Spiritual Sharing June 2008

Mon 20080602
* Thank you for CRISMHOM's retreat this weekend. I think that we all enjoyed it. We were mainly concerned with getting to know each other. That objective was accomplished.
* About getting somehow closer to Jxxx. Thinking about perhaps starting a relationship with him. What does my dearest Jesus think about this?
* My prayer for Dxxx and his wife. They got married on Saturday. I was not there but I had them in my thoughts and heart.

Thu 20080612
* My prayer for dad. I should phone him more often. The new medication is pushing him lower. He is going down. He felt bad before this treatment but now he is feeling worse. My prayer for him. He is having a hard time. May I call him more often.
* My prayer for CRISMHOM. A difficult situation about visibility has come up. May the Holy Spirit be among us, so that with Your help we can reach a solution to this without having too many people leaving the group. This is pretty much as the texts we are working about the experiences of the first christian communitites. May we listen to the Spirit of Jesus.
* Going this weekend to a conference to present the work I finished a year ago and nobody paid attention to. Now this work is starting to draw attention. Let me continue working.

Wed 20080618
* Thank you my dearest Lord for dad is improving with the new treatment after going through one of the worst days of his life. Now he is better and improving. Thank you so much for he is going up. May he continue with Your help and the help of everyone.
* Tomorrow we have the ceremony of the giving of the Rainbow prize at CRISMHOM. It seems that there is a lot of enthusiasm, at least from a group of members. May the Holy Spirit invade us in this ceremony and especially during the general assembly on Saturday. There are important topics to deal with, hopefully with the optimistic atmosphere after the Rainbow prize.
* Yesterday it was the birthday of Exxx. My best wishes for her.
* Jxxx is desolated after arriving in New York and visiting his former boyfriend in Chicago. Maybe she should not have visited her but she did and finished desolated. Now she is concentrating of keeping busy, not allowing herself to think too much. She's got a lot to do before she can settle down. Intense work is the best medicine in her situation. May my dearest Lord be with her. May she feel Your presence very near.
* May my soul glorify my dearest Lord, for I like Your way of doing things. May Your presence be with us always.

Mon 20080623
* I slept well last night for I was tired. I spent the whole Sunday working on CRISMHOM. This is the very last effort before the summer.
* Exxx getting back from Venezuela, asking for help again. I don't know still what I'm going to do.
* My prayer for Axxx. Unable to enjoy life. Not willing to accept some help from others. Not willing to change plans for others. Progressively enclosing more and more within himself. There is not much to be done but being there, whenever he allows it. May my dearest Lord allow us to be patient. May Axxx realize that allowing himself to get enclosed is not the right path towards his own healing and happiness.
* Matthew 10, 26-33

Do not be afraid. For everything that is now covered will be uncovered, and everything now hidden will be made clear. What I say to you in the dark, tell in the daylight; what you hear in whispers, proclaim from the housetops".

Tue 20080624
* Today my prayer is for Axxx. May the presence of my dearest Lord be with him. May he realize of your infinite love, especially through those who are around, close to him. Loneliness is not a good companion. Trying to do his best but getting frustrated for the result gets somehow wrong. May my dearest Lord give him a well trained tongue that he may know how to speak to the weary a word that will rice them. For now, may we all take some rest and time off so that we can better tolerate and deal with each other.

Mon 20080630
* My prayer for Exxx. Unsure whether to help him, the way he wants me to help him. It seems to me that I'm not being of any help but the opposite. What can I do to for him? I ask for you help for I don't know what to do. "My ways are not Your ways", show me Your ways.

Spiritual Sharing May 2008

Tue 20080506
* Thank you for the spiritual exercises the past weekend. Also because Pxxx found my PDA (I had lost it).
* Today I feel tired. I didn't sleep well last night. I had recovered my sleep during the exercises and now I have lost it in two days. I feel oppressed. After the exercises I was thinking of doing some kind of voluntary work. The conclusion is that for the moment I'm dying after the first work day and can't see much progress during the week. Let me wait a little and reconsider with more time and peace.
* Let me relax and be peaceful. Perhaps this is the best way of being efficient too.
* I was really tired yesterday in the jesuit group meeting. I enjoyed very much the mass. I thank my parents for having left all the things at home. Thank you Pxxx, for finding my PDA.

Thu 20080508
* Feeling very tired this week. I had recovered during the retreat last week. However, from Sunday to Monday I did not sleep well. Monday was a horrible day at work and I could not sleep well either.
* I will finally see Axxx this evening. My prayer for him. We will have a simple talk. I hope it helps him to step forward.
* About finding Sxxx and Exxx with Lxxx: an old friend from New York. We had dinner together. We just ran accross each other.
* About the conversation with Jxxx Lxxx on Tuesday. Realizing once more about how great my dearest Lord has been with me. Jxxx Lxxx reminded me again about having contact with the most poor through some sort of voluntary work. He told me to contemplate the life of Jesus. To start speaking not as much about my dearest Lord, but my dearest brother Jesus. Involving my relationship with God as a disciple, in the midst of other disciples and with Jesus as my older brother. I worked out a lot the possibility of starting a voluntary work during the past retreat. I still feel very busy. May my dearest brother Jesus invade with his presence and company so that I cannot but go with him to do some voluntary work. Help me figure out which one it should be.

Fri 20080509
* My prayer for Axxx. I met him yesterday and tried to cheer him up. I didn't find him well. Let me follow him up so that at least he doesn't feel alone.
* John 20,19-23:
As the father has sent me,
So am I sending you.
Receive the Holy Spirit

Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful, and kindle in them the fire of your love.

No one can say, "Jesus is Lord" unless he is under the influence of the Holy Spirit.

Come, Thou Father of the poor,
Come, Thou, light of all that live!
Thou, of all consolers best.
Visit Thou these hearts of thine.
Heal our wounds, our strength renew.
On our dryness pour thy dew.
Melt the frozen, warm the chill.
Guide the steps that go astray.

Mon 20080519
* About Exxx, getting back to Venezuela. Hard experiences, failure, a heart attack to his mother. May my dearest Lord make his rute beside him. I simply walked along his side for a few months. That was a hard and difficult path. May my dearest Lord find some other ones to walk along his path so that he may be one of those who walk along one of those little ones preferred of my dearest Lord. Having dinner together after looking for a flight back to Venezuela. Going with some other people on Thursday evening to see the fireworks at the Retiro commemorating San Isidro's feast. Maybe I should not search that much how to find those needed of my Lord. I have them already. May my dearest Lord tell me something with him.
* About finishing the reduced version of my paper to send to Risk. I have still to review it a little but that's done after working on it a couple of days.
* About going to visit Exxx and Exxx and the little Mxxx this weekend. Thank you for their welcome and company. Playing with the little Mxxx. Sometimes I think that the reason why my brother's little Mxxx does not pay attention to me is because there's too much competition and because I'm not giving my time out, for whatever reason or activity. I'm always thinking of doing something else. When being with Mxxx this weekend, I had nothing to do but being with her. Maybe I should look for this.

Thu 20080522
* About the conversation I had with Jxxx Lxxx on Tuesday. He insists on contemplating the life of my dearest Jesus so that I eventually fall in love with him. This is about living the brotherhood, getting progressively closer to the most poor, the little ones, the forgotten. About living the brotherhood with Jesus and my other brothers and sisters. Falling in love with my older brother so that I realize of my other brothers and sisters. There must change something in my life. I'm not there. I don't have time to spend with those more in need (also my family). This is not spontaneous. May my dearest Jesus allow me to fall in love with him so that I may realize of my brothers and sisters. Specially those in need. I know where I am, my dearest Lord has given me the gift of knowning that my foundation is Him. I cannot explain who I am without Him. May my dearest Jesus disclose that love towards the people. Not a foolish love but a concrete one. The love that is expressed through actions and thoughts, words and presence, time and money.
* My prayer for Exxx. May he find his way. My opinion is that his way is not in Spain now. He still thinks that it is here. May our older Brother let him know his way. My prayer also for her mother, who suffered a heart attack a few months ago.

Mon 20080526
* My prayer for Jxxx, she will go soon to New York and she's lost one of her big motivations. My prayer for Axxx and Ixxx.
* About having lunch on Saturday with Jxxx and Pxxx. Playing a little with my niece, enjoying the little Pxxx.
* About the meeting at CRISMHOM. I enjoyed considerably the atmosphere that was created, the final prayer. Going later to have dinner. When I was leaving, Lxxx and Jxxx told me that they wanted to invite Jxxx Lxxx and me to have dinner with them. I liked the invitation.
* About going to the party on Saturday night. Sxxx and Exxx called me. It was an open party. Rxxx and Pxxx were there too. They invited me to meet Rxxx's gay friends. They were very amusing. I met though someone who I liked and would be interested in getting closer.
* About having a little apperitive on Sunday morning with Sxxx, Exxx, Rxxx and Pxxx. Getting updated with their news. Many things have happened.
* About having lunch with my aunt. I guess she enjoyed it very much. I did too. I went to the meeting of the board of directors of CRISMHOM. I realized that I did not coordinate very well the contact with the receivers of the Rainbow prize. About Jxxx and Axxx talking care of me for I was a bit upset. Axxx offered to write the meeting report to help me.
* On Friday, Pxxx left the bank Santander. He is very young but in two years he's done a lot of very interesting work. In his last presentation, he 1 thanked me in public that his work was well backed in my paper. For the first time, people start to realize of what I finished to write and research a year ago. The head of quants asked me to have a meeting about the hybrids this Wednesday. He did not listened to me a year ago when I presented to him the same work. Now he is interested.

Wed 20080528
* Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.
* Matthew 11, 25-30:

Jesus exclaimed: "I bless You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for hiding these things to the learned and the clever and revealing them to the simple. Yes, Father, for that is what it pleased you to do. Everything has been entrusted to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, just as no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him".

"Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest. Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Yes, my yoke is easy and my burden light".

* 1 John 4,7-16:

"Everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Anyone who fails to love can never have known God, because God is love"

Thu 20080529
* CRISMHOM gave a prize to an intitution that originally accepted it. However, some conditions about the visivility of the event were clarified and this institution rejected the prize. The president wrote a letter to answer, but it was not formally appropriate. I sent the letter because it was the president had authority to do it but now I think I should have stopped that letter.
* About having the impression that I'm not taking the right decision.
* Concerning the decisions about sending the letter to the CONFER, I sent it because I submitted to the authority of the president. I would never have sent it on my own account.

Sat 20080531
* About the phone call to Pxxx after the party before his marriage next week. He finished badly at the end of the night. He didn't drink too much and he ate a lot but at the end of the night he was very drunk. I brought him back home in a taxi with two more people. There must be something wrong with the food because he was vomitting the whole night and the following day. This is the first time in which Pxxx told me about being very stressed at work during the week. The stress combined with low defenses have made him fall sick badly. This is the first time I see Pxxx showing me how he feels. He thanked me for calling, for having taken him back home the previous night. I don't usually trust Pxxx very much. He is not transparent. I have the impression that he is hiding things to me. This is the first time I did not have that impression. Thank you my Lord for this.

Spiritual Sharing April 2008

Wed 20080402
* My prayer for dad. May he improve his health, may he do his best to improve it.

Acts of the apostles 2, 14, 22-28
I saw the Lord before me always
for with him at my right hand nothing can shake me.
So my heart was glad
and my tongue cried out with joy;
my body, too, will rest in the hope
that You will not abandon my soul to Hades
nor allow Your holy one to experience corruption.
You have made known the way of life to me,
you will fill me with fladness through your presence.
* Thank you for the evening I spent with Ixxx. He is not religious but he is very respectful. We have quite a lot points in common. We could finally go to Barenboim's concert. I hope he enjoyed it.

Thu 20080304
* Acción de gracias por la muerte de Balbi (mi abuela):

Los grandes momentos, ya sean dolorosos o gozosos, nos acercan a nuestro Creador, produciendo un encuentro que nos lleva a dar gracias. Hoy te damos gracias SeÑor, por nuestra querida Balbi. Por todos los años que la hemos tenido entre nosotros.

Gracias por sus platos y comidas, muy en especial por sus croquetas de gambas y su tortilla de patata. Son el símbolo de lo mucho que disfrutaba al tener a toda la familia reunida. En sus últimos aÑos, siempre que bendecíamos la mesa le preguntábamos: "¿por quién pedimos?". Ella siempre respondía: "por toda la familia". Te damos también gracias porque a pesar de que la echaremos de menos, Tú has estado y más que nunca estás ahora, muy cerca de ella.

Balbi nos manda unas letras de despedida diciendo algo así: "queridísimos todos, ya sé que nos vamos a echar de menos, pero en un momento dado, una tiene que seguir su propio camino. No quiero ser una carga para vosotros sino un motivo de alegría. Por eso os dejo, que tengo muchas ganas de reunirme con Laureano, Maximina y Eusebio, mis hermanos y todos los demás. Un beso inmenso a todos, Balbi".

Le damos muchas gracias a nuestro SeÑor porque la vida sigue, como un tren que no espera. Y aunque es preciso despedirse, y aprovechar el beso y el abrazo, y no escatimar las lágrimas si el corazón lo necesita, hay que coger el tren y no quedarse en tierra. Y habrá momentos para recordar la despedida; ya no con pena, sino alegría, de poder seguir avanzando en la vida, para mayor gloria y servicio de nuestro Señor.

Con todo el cariño, muchas gracias Balbi, gracias Señor, por todo ...

También queremos agradecer a Balbi todo lo bueno que ha hecho por cada uno de nosotros. Al igual que la Virgen María, lo guardaremos siempre en nuestro corazón.

Y por último, te damos gracias, Señor, por la paz inmensa que sentimos.

Mon 20080407
* This was a busy weekend. Far too busy. Still, all the things that I did were worth.
* Thank you for the such an emocional concert on Sunday morning. Alexander Nevsky was performed. Thank you so much for I could share this experience with Ixxx: we were together. I haven't been to a concert which moved me so much in years. The conductor was very young and the contralto could not be any better. Thank you for the walk Ixxx and I enjoyed together. I told him a little about the spiritual exercises. He listened to me attentively. That was important to me. Thank you for our lunch.
* One more edition of the solidarity supper by "Acoger y Compartir". That was good. I didn't feel too well for I think I should have helped them more. Still, everything was well worth the effort.
* About the concert on Friday. I was with my aunt. The first piece was a Hail Mary prayer. Something indeed very moving. The music was from an unknown composer with the same stetics as Gorecki. I guess that it was indeed very moving for my aunt, for my grandmother prayed with Hail Mary in her last moments.

Tue 20080408
* Yesterday, I spent the evening with Jxxx Lxxx. Thank you for his listening. My prayer for him too.
* Thank you, my dearest Lord, for noone is perfect. For sometimes we do what we should not, but we cannot avoid it. Thank you, for showing our limits. Perhaps this will allow us to be more sympathetic. We are not proud of these things. Not doing the right thing makes us suffer terribly. May we learn to be close to those who are not perfect as we ourselves are not perfect.

Mon 20080414
* About my grandma's funeral. It was a resurrection mass with Balbi. Thank you for all the people who attended. She is fine now, taking care of us all. Thanks Balbi.
* The teaching session at CRISMHOM on Saturday evening was very good. I called Jxxx Lxxx to congratulate him the following day. Many people attended, though many were late. I left the meeting early to have dinner at Ixxx's house. I indeed enjoyed the dinner. I stayed overnight with him and although I hardly could sleep, I enjoyed it very much.
* Sunday morning I felt extrange. I went to a concert with Ixxx and I started to feel estrange after the concert. I think that what bothered me was the way in which Ixxx expressed himself. It was very "femenine". This happened to me the first time I met him but not the other times. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this on Ixxx's side but I felt just they way I felt. Ixxx is a wonderful person and I need to tell him with full care what I felt.
* Thank you for the confirmation mass on Saturday morning and the meal with my family. I feel very short of time. Dad was not particularly well on Saturday. I'll call him to see how he is going.
* My dearest Lord, I feel confused. Be very close to me. I need your presence to know the right gesture and word to be loving and simple.

Tue 20080415
* My dearest Lord, my prayer for dad and Jxxx Lxxx. May Exxx be all right.
* Feeling unsecure, with a knot in my heart. I'm exploring unknown areas of myself. This is very much related with what happened to me with Ixxx on Sunday afternoon. May my dearest Lord be very present, so that I be loving and respectful. May things get clearer. How is it possible that I enjoy so much with someone and a few hours later, I feel somehow blocked and unsure? This is about exploring new areas of myself. I thought that I reasonably knew myself but I guess that I'm wrong. Let me know, my dearest Lord, who I am. May I think for Ixxx. May I treat him with lots of care and love. He is a great person.
* About going to my jesuit community yesterday evening. Jxxx was talking about christian marriage. Realizing what I'm getting into. Jxxx mentioned that the act of marring is not only about feelings but it is a decision taken by our will.
* May my dearest Lord be with me, very close, so that I may take loving decisions as my dearest Jesus would do in my case.

Wed 20080416
* John 14,1-12:

Do not let your hearts be troubled.
Trust in God still, and trust in me.
There are many rooms in my Father's house;
if there were not, I should have told you.
I am going to prepare a place for you,
and after I have goine and prepared you a place,
I shall return to take you with me;
so that where I am
you may be too.

* My dearest Lord prepared a place for grandma. He has returned a month ago take her with him, so that where He is, will also my grandma be.

Thu 20080417
Letter to Peter 2,4-9

The Lord is the living stone, rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him; set yourselves close to him so that you too, the holy priesthood that offers the spiritual sacrifices which Jesus Christ has made acceptable to God, may be living stones making a spiritual house. As scripture says: See how I lay in Zion a precious cornerstone that I have chosen and the man who rests his trust on it will not be disappointed.

* My dearest Lord, the stone which the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. This is the work of Your hands. It is wonderful in my eyes.

Fri 20080418
* May my dearest Lord allow me to get clear about continuing with Ixxx and have the enthusiasm I had a week ago. It seems to me that what keeps me apart from him is not indeed very important. However, my feelings did not agree with my reasoning last Sunday. May You allow me to accept, get used or at least know soon whether to accept or get used if possible.

Mon 20080421
* My dearest Lord, thank You. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for You listened to my prayer. I finally got clear about whether to continue with Ixxx. On Friday night we had dinner together. Along that dinner I realized that we were not for each other. I walked him back to his home and told him. He was sad to hear my news. I treated him with the care my dearest Lord inspired me. I phoned him two days later and he was better. Still sad but on one side happy, because I could give him a clear answer and I had not made him waste his time and especially make him suffer more. Thank You, my dearest Lord. I'm peaceful. Thanks, for you heard my prayer.
* Helping my brother out with moving and reorganizing his house. Thank you so much for the Fidelio opera that my aunt invited me. It was great. Thank you, for she has me in mind all the time.
* About going to the Rxxx's birthday party. He's doing a great effort get out of the closet. Giving his first steps. Trying to support and go along with him.

Tue 20080422
* Psalm 65:

"Come and hear, all who fear God.
I will tell what he did for my soul:
Blessed be God who did not reject my prayer
nor withhold his love for me".

* My dearest Lord, thank You. For You did not reject my prayer.
* My thanksgiving prayer for Jxxx Lxxx. He celebrated yesterday his 13th year serving You as a priest. May You be with Him in his lights and shadows.
* My prayer for Exxx. I paid his monthly rent already. May he find stability.

Mon 20080428
* I have been working for more than a year without the people in my work really knowing what I was researching or discovering. Out of a necessity from the Front Office and after almost a year of not reaching a solution, my boss asked me to do a presentation to them. When I did it, both the people from the Front Office and my own department realized for the first time of what I have been doing in the past year and a half. Thank you, my dearest Lord for I this opportunity. The days before and after the presentation You wanted to greatly move my heart with these two verses:

"My heart is not proud, not haughty my eyes;
I didn't go after things too great,
nor marvels beyond me".

If ever I had to tell what is the "secret of my success", I would repeat again and again these two verses.

* Thank you for the dinner in Mxxx and Mxxx's house, with Pxxx and Cxxx.
* I spent most of the Sunday working with my brother to help him end with all his house setting up. That was a good thing. He was greatful and thankful and also Pxxx.
* My nephew and niece were wonderful the other day.

Spiritual Sharing March 2008

Mon 20080303
* About the choking attack dad had yesterday evening at my grandmother's house when we both were taking care of my grandmother while my aunt was out taking some time out. My father's mood was good yesterday before the attack. After it, it descended towards earth level. It was not too long but left my father totally exhausted.
* My dearest Lord, I don't know what to do with this happening. I deposit it onto Your hands. I don't understand whether this has any meaning. I don't understand, but there are so many things coming from You that I don't understand. May Your presence descend upon dad. May my dearest Lord support him, relieve his fears. May he know that after all You are with him, taking care. May we all take the best out of this hard situation that is getting long, especially for my aunt and my parents.
* About the conversation I had yesterday with Axxx. It was good to talk to him. We both enjoyed the conversation. I thank for having him as a friend. I wrote an email to Axxx as a consequence of this conversation.
* Feeling this morning with my heart a bit shrinked. I offer this to You. May You do whatever is best according to Your criterion.

Wed 20080305
* Yesterday I went to a concert with my aunt. I found her quite good and I'm very happy about that. There is a person coming in the morning to help her out and she indeed does. The load has been significantly releaved. She was talking me about the Shakespeare reading she had to do when she was studying English many years ago. In the concert we heard "A Midsummer's night dream" (one of those readings she did). My prayer for my grandmother.
* I phoned home yesterday night to see how dad was going. He did well yesterday morning and slightly worse in the evening. He was better, his tension had come down. May he progressively recover.

Fri 20080314
* About the conversation that I had with Exxx Cxxx last night. He has reached a difficult situation. Being supportive and helping him out to take a good decision. My prayer for him. May he achieve economic stability to reach stability in all other life disciplines.
* Dad came yesterday by home. He has recovered a lot from the last choking attack he had in front of me two weeks ago. My aunt is also going better. May my dearest God accept my thanksgiving prayer for these gifts.
* About contacting people once more from the internet. My process with Axxx seems to be over. Getting to know new people. About somebody who took inniciative towards me. Feeling on my side appealed to him.
* Going to the Easter retreat with Welcome and Sharing. It seems good to do this.

Mon 20080317
* I pray for grandma. She is deteriorating quickly. She's neither eating nor drinking. Yesterday I spent a few hours in the evening and helped out holding her onto bed. It is difficult for a single person to manage her. She was complaining. Sometimes, she was praying.
* About Chxxx passing away on Saturday morning. I called Mxxx (her daughter) on Saturday morning. On Sunday, my parents and I spent the whole morning in the tanatory. Giving out our presence, support, a few words. Dad prepared some prayers for a non-religious audience. About Pxxx's (Mxxx's husband) words. Thanking emotionally for our presence. We were just a few people. He said that they were alone except for this little group that was present. My prayer for them both and for Chxxx. She will join my other grandmother (her sister) and will be all happy together with the rest of their beloved.
* Helping out my brother with the furniture moving on Saturday. Dad, he and me together. It was fine but we were all tired by the end of day.
* This was a busy weekend, very much in the Lent spirit. May my dearest Lord be with us.

Tue 20080318
* My prayer for Exxx. I paid his rent this month. He was decided to return back to his country. May he quiet down a little, so that he may take a good decision.
* Jxxx told me yesterday that she had news for us. I guess that that could mean that she is leaving for the US to live in New York. Those would be very good news, though we will miss her.

Sat 20080322
* I'm in he Easter retreat organized by Welcome and Sharing. Having a good time. Meeting new people. Encountering others I already knew. A good experience. From a spiritual point of view, not very intensive. But this is very fine.
* Calling dad and mum to know about how my grandma is doing. Dad continues a little like everyday. He feels good or bad depending on the day.
* The most emotional moment in this experience so far was yesterday night during the night prayer. There was an intergenerational discussion in group before the prayer. The young people were said to be weak and not too much willing to be responsible, to compromise their lifes. During the night prayer I put my hand in the side of the back of one of them. It was a gentle touch. I could see the impact in him and so the impact in me. Jxxx Lxxx was right. The most intense moments are always related to people, to human beings. Not that much of ideas. He thanked me the following day. I returned my thanks to him for we could both thank each other for becoming each of us the instrument of my dearest Lord.

Sun 20080323
* About the story Cxxx shared with me. A young peruan girl who lost her parents. She went to school led by the Sisters of Charity. When she was still very young (17), she entered the order and after a year was moved to Spain. She left the order and found herself alone in Spain. She started to work and to study too. In a supper she met a woman who adopted her and invited her to live in her own house. She still remembers vividly the experience with the Sisters of Charity. Being in contact with them.
* I joined a group of young people on Saturday. I became very emotional when I heard some of fheir sharing. I was silent the whole time, just listening. These are the feelings I used to have when leading the welcome group in my jesuit community three years ago.
* Meeting nice people, good people. This was not a particularly intense Easter from a spiritual point of view. Let me enjoy the simplicity of everyday life, where experiences are not necessarily very intense.

Mon 20080324
* About the return trip back to Madrid with Gxxx. We had a good time. We took advantage to share some of our lifes, It was so much better to have her company rather than coming back on my own.
* Feeling a little spiritual hangover from these days.
* Grandma continues pretty much the same. May she realize that You are there, that my aunt is there and the rest of us.

Thu 20080327
* My grandmother passed away on Monday night. May she rest peacefully. Thank you, my dearest Lord, for now she is in Your company. The last night I was with her she was saying (maybe without sence) "how bad, how bad". In the midst of these words she was praying pieces of a Hail Mary. This scene might be interpreted by me perhaps in a different way of what she was thinking or realizing (if she realized of anything at all). This scene was very sad. Now she is peaceful and rests in Your hands. Dad led a prayer time with some readings and prayers he had prepared.

"In manus tuas Pater, commendo spiritus meum"

* After arranging all the details, we slept a few hours. We spent the following day in the tanatory, receiving relatives and friends. We brought things to read and do to take advantage of the time. Indeed , we could not do anything for there were visitors all along the day. Many people came. More than what anyone of us could expect. We were not alone a single moment. Thank you for this company. About the messages and phone calls I received from the people of my work.

* On Wednesday we buried her in the presence of the closest relatives and friends. That turned out to be quite emotional.
* We all celebrated the resurrection of our dearest Balbi going to "El Pardo" to eat together to a restaurant. This was such a nice idea from my father. My grandma enjoyed very much going to this place.
* About how grateful my aunt was with the people that took care of granma during the last months. So thankful with the nun who sent her these two women. About my aunt thinking of becoming a volunteer for the homeless table she runs. My aunt is not linked with the church. However, all these attitudes and feelings are so much those of my dearest Lord.

Fri 20080328
* My prayer for my aunt. For the first time in several years, I will invite her for a drink tonight, after the concert. May I help her to recover her life little by little. I remember Txxx talking to her in the burial. She became very emotional. Later on, she told us that Txxx simply had said that he was realizing that "we love each other".
* About Ixxx, I liked very much his presence yesterday night. He's more of a listener. He reminds me Sxxx a lot.
* Thank you for the remaining calls sending condolences for the death of my grandma.

Mon 20080331
* About the conversation I had with my aunt on Friday night after the concert. She has returned home just after the concert for years to be with my grandma. I proposed her to go for a drink. I told her about my dating plans. We shared quite intimately. My prayer for her. May she recover promptly from the death of grandma.
* Today it was the 96th birthday of my grandma. We celebrated it on Saturday in my grandma's house with my aunt. Dad felt really bad. He was not in the mood of anything. He felt choked and probably affected by returning back to mum's. On Sunday I had lunch with them again.
* Thank you for the walk with Ixxx. I enjoyed very much his company. He has invited me tomorrow for an organ concert. Happy to have met him.
* My prayer for Exxx. He's got a big mess. He's doing his best but doesn't have something stable and consistent yet. I told Exxx to support him with her experience with a tele-operator job.

Spiritual Sharing February 2008

Mon 20080204
* I get back to my routine after almost 10 days of sickness with flu. I thought it would be shorter but the doctor of the Social Security told me to stay the whole week at home and she was right. I've needed all that time.
* Living once more with my parents during this week. Getting inside the dificulties and the situations. Letting them take care of me. Taking care of them on my side. Looking at what they do. Sometimes they put themselves up to the limit and that is not always good. They haven't had good health since a long time ago (August 2007). Getting slightly better and doing more things (that's why they never get well).
* Being in contact with Axxx. Things have got back to its place. I feel fine but would like to spend more time with him. He's not in his best moment from a working perspective. He showed firmly his love to me three weeks ago (when he didn't see much future in our relationship).
* This past Saturday, the meeting at CRISMHOM started with only 5 people. I led the meeting and at the end we were nearly 20. About enjoying being more people.
* My prayer for the family. May they find some possible ways of improving. Let me help them (my presence this week was helpful).

Tue 20080205
* Dad came by yesterday night to bring me the rest of things I left in their house. He told me again that he had enjoyed my presence when being with them last week.
* Yesterday I finished work very tired. Perhaps I'm still not fully recovered. I went to bed at 10:30. Woke up at 3:15 but could sleep again till 6:30.
* Inspire me the best way to work with Pxxx Pxxx. It seems to me that he does not follow or is not motivated.
* Corinthians 1,26-31
Take yourselves for instance, brothers, at the time when you were called: how many of you were wise in the ordinary sence of the world, how many were influential people, or came from noble families? No, it was to shame the wise that God chose what is foolish by human reckoning, and to shame what is strong that he chose what is weak by human reckoning; those whom the world thinks common and contemptible are the ones that God has chosen (those who are nothing at all to show up those who are everything). The human race has nothing to boast about to God. But You, God has made members of Christ Jesus and by God's doing he has become our wisdom, and our virtue, and our holiness, and our freedom. As scripture says: if anyone wants to boast, let him boast about the Lord.

* May my dearest Lord become my true wisdom. Not as much that of human reckoning. Thanks my dearest Lord for you chose those who don't consider themselves wise so that their wisdom is Your wisdom. Thank you for choosing those who consider themselves weak, for their strength is Your strength.

Wed 20080206
* My dearest Lord, my prayer for Jxxx Lxxx. He was willing to be with me on Monday and I told him to postpone our meeting one week (I was still recovering). May You be very close to him. He certainly loves You. Sometimes he feels lonely. May Your presence and mine and that of others make him not be lonely.

Thu 20080207
* It seems to me that my relationship with Axxx is indeed over as he already told me three weeks ago. Let me be patient as he himself has been with me. He might be thinking, waiting for me to fully recover from flu. He might be right after all. It cannot work out. Let me be acceptive and peaceful.
* About the Ash Wednesday celebration yesterday. I was quite emotional. Let me get into the Lent season. It's always been more intensive than Christmas.
* Dolor, sentimiento y confusión porque por mis pecados va el SeÑor a la pasión.

Fri 20080208
* Feeling a little estrange this morning. When I talked yesterday to Axxx, I think he was not willing to meet this weekend. Perhaps the following for a coffee. I think it is getting progressively more and more clear that he thinks that our relationship does not have any future. I thought of not sending more messages and let it go. Let me simply love, my dearest Lord. Maybe I can not give him what he needs but definitely I can give him what You gave me, my dearest Lord. The love of a friend, or perhaps something more. Let me offer what You, my dearest Lord, would offer.

Mon 20080211
* Feeling a little discouraged this morning and yesterday evening. I spent both Saturday and Sunday with my family. Trying to help and smooth out the situation with my presence. My grandmother could not eat by herself for the first time on Sunday. I had to feed her. She is becoming progressively more limited. She does not sleep and does not allow my aunt to sleep. My prayer for them, especially for my aunt. It is very hard to cope with all this.
* Yesterday evening I was willing to get back home to write a composition in german and study some papers I printed on Friday. I didn't study the papers but I wrote the composition. It was fine to stay with my niece and the little new born. I was playing with my niece and we were connecting. Perhaps I should forget about all those things to study and start to enjoy my family. My heart is not ready yet. It is willing still to do other things.
* About going to mass with Pxxx Cxxx, a jesuit friend of mine. He will baptize my nephew in two weeks time (I asked him to do it). It's been a long time since the last time I went to mass with him. I had a good time. I also saw Pxxx Mxxx.
* About the meeting at CRISMHOM. Jxxx Lxxx prepared the revision of life. I liked it. I participated quite a lot with brief comments. I felt very identified with the topic and the sharing.
* I think that part of my difficulty about starting the week again is that I'm missing Axxx. It became more clear to me at the end of last week, that he is not willing to continue. Perhaps keep our friendship but definitely not a relationship. I was thinking of perhaps a second chance. However, I think this is my learning: sometimes there is not a second chance. The opportunities should be taken at their right time. Axxx has taught me some important things. I should continue trying, though I may feel myself now discouraged.
* My dearest Lord, I like sticking to my plans and it is hard for me to change them and open myself for new plans. Let me enjoy the present moment and allow myself to change my plans and enjoy what I'm doing at a particular moment of time. Let me not think about what I planned but enjoy the livings of the present moment. I may be missing a lot of wonderful things, simply because when they happen, I'm thinking that I should be doing something else (something I had already planned).
* About the answer Mxxx and Mxxx gave me when I sent them my experience of encountering the Lord through the acceptance of my sexual orientation. I could have sent it some time ago. However, for some reason I haven't done it.

Tue 20080212
* Yesterday I went to see my friend and spiritual director. We shared with each other. I thank his comments and his sharing. He lets me into a perspective in which my barriers to have intimate relationships seem ridiculous.
* About learning how to spend time with no "efficient" use: be with friends or family. Learning how to waste time enjoying the simple presence, dull comments, or very profound ones perhaps. Nothing has been done, simply be with other people. Sometimes I find myself willing to do other things while I spend time with people. I'm not with them and I'm not doing the things I may want to do. Let me learn to organize myself not to think of doing other things while I'm with people or just let those things be.

Wed 20080213
* Yesterday, I didn't feel very well at work. I think this is about what I would like to do well, rather than what I can do well. I can still improve a lot if I work a little in it. Let's do that. Let me concentrate in what I can do well and not worry that much on what I cannot do that well.
* About going to see Cxxx Ixxx yesterday at the Galileo Galilei. I had a great time. It was a pleasure to see again Oxxx and other people.
* My dearest Lord, let me accept my limits and concentrate on what I can best do, rather than wish to have what I don't have.
* I was reading this after work:
"En paz me acuesto y en seguida me duermo, porque tú solo SeÑor, me haces vivir tranquilo".

"In peace I go to bed and I fall asleep at once,
for You my Lord let me live peaceful".

* Psam 12, 1-4a:
Our soul is waiting for the Lord.
The Lord is our help and our shield.
May your love be upon us, O Lord,
as we place all our hope in you.

Thu 20080214
* My prayer for dad. I went to a concert with my father yesterday. We went to the upper floor, where there are so many people. He had two days ago another choking bronquial spasm. He felt enclosed among all that people, feeling that if he needed to get out, he would not be able. In the second part of the concert, we moved to another seat with a better way out. He is getting afraid, thinking of not going again to a concert with that seat. May my dearest Lord inspire me the appropriate word or attitude to calm him down. My prayer for him. May he be in your hands. May all this have sence perhaps in the future. I know Your ways are above mine.
* My prayer for my aunt. She is reaching the limit taking care of my grandmother. Inspire me the way to support her.

Fri 20080215
* Genesis 12, 1-4

The Lord said to Abram, 'Leave your country, your family and your father's house, for the land I will show you. I will make you a great nation; I will bless you and make your name so famous that it will be used as a blessing.

I will bless those who bless you: I will curse those who slight you. All the tribes of the earth shall bless themselves by you'.

So Abram went as the Lord told him.
* May my dearest Lord bless those who have led me to the encountering of my dearest Lord.
* My prayer for my aunt and dad. I'm happy that dad is going with mum to a village near Madrid. I think that's the best they can do to improve.
* From the transfiguration of Jesus (Matthew 17, 5):

From the bright cloud the Father's voice was heard: 'this is my Son, the Beloved. Listen to him'.

Tue 20080219
* My prayer for Exxx. May you be with her, may I be with her, call her, support her.
* About Axxx taking iniciative to talk to me through the messenger on Sunday. That was unexpected to me. I liked his iniciative.

Wed 20080220
* My prayer for Exxx. May You be with her. May we all try to help her as much as we can.
* About sending an email to Axxx yesterday night to invite him to a concert.

John 4, 5-42:

If you only knew what God is offering and who it is that is saying to you: 'Give me a drink', you would have been the one to ask, and he would have given you living water.

Whoever drinks this water, will get thirsty again; but anyone who drinks the water I shall give, will never be thirsty again: the water that I shall give will turn into a spring inside him, welling up to eternal life.

Believe me, woman, the hous is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know; for salvation comes from the Jews. But the hour will come (in fact it is here already) when try worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth: that is the kind of worshipper the Father wants.

Thu 20080221
* Yesterday I talked to Exxx over the phone. She's getting by only. She told me that she sees my grandmother worse and worse and probably it is better to wait a little before starting to think of other possibilities.
* The little Axxx is willing to have that promised paella that I prepared for him before he shutted down the relationship with me. After a month and a half without seeing each other, it seemed that this was not going to happen. I'm happy about this. He moved strongly my heart and I felt very loved when he broke with me. This is paradogical for most people feel the opposite. He was very delicate and loving in the way he did everything.
* My prayer for my brother. He's starting a new company and we are all a little uncertain of how is that going to work out.
* Let me contemplate all the happenings of my life from the perspective of several months. Let me see the action of my dearest Lord in this little piece of the map of my life. I guess that a deep praise and prayer would come up admired and saying: 'how well this is done'. Things happening at its right time not when I wanted but when You wanted. If I look at my life, I see the action of my dearest Lord all over the place and I praise admired saying: 'how well this is done'. Difficult and joyful moments are all necessary to reach happiness. Thank's for being there though I may not have seen you at that particular time.

Mon 20070225
* Going to the concert on Friday evening. That was excellent. Meeting Mxxx and Mxxx after sending them my writing about sexual orientation and spirituality. My mother got very angry when I said to her that I had told them. The following day, she regretted and asked me to excuse her. I didn't pay too much attention to all her complaints and I definitely excused her the following day. Mxxx told me a little comment, thanking for she had got closer to God after reading the document. Maybe the whole family on my mother's side will learn about who I am, and maybe not in the best context. On the other hand I don't think they will as receptive as Mxxx and Mxxx were.
* About the baptism of the little Pxxx and Ixxx. Many children running from one side to another. A lot of noise but worth seeing. I couldn't attend the CRISMHOM mass celebration.
* About the meal in Jxxx's house. Meeting once more after more than a month my group of close friends. That was good to see them again.
* About spending most of the evening with my grandmother, dad and my aunt. There is tension in the family for the situation is difficult but fortunately there's plenty of love. Spending some time with my grandmother. I was simply sitting near her. I took her hand and tapped it gently for some time. I found her quite good (taking into account that she is getting horribly bad). I could speak to her and she understood more or less. She was smiling when I was talking to her. My dad told me that she was saying a few days before that she was going to be very happy when arriving at heaven. This stroke us very much. Dxxx understood first and my grandmother repeated it again and this time my dad was listening very carefully and closely. Indeed my grandmother was saying that: "I will be very happy when I arrive into heaven".
* My prayer for my aunt. May she take some rest. May we all do our best to help. My prayer for my grandma. May she be happy and not terrified when passing away. May she feel somehow Your presence.
* About meeting Exxx at the end of Sunday. He is a man from Venezuela who has come to work in Spain. He came to CRISMHOM and I met him beforehand by email through a page of contacts in the internet. He is a good person with great dificulties but fighting and opening his way. He does not lack enthusiasm but still he is in a difficult situation. I think that our conversation helped him. It was a look from outside, from another context. I hope he may continue the best possible.

Tue 20080226
* My prayer for the father of Mxxx. She sent me a SMS message this morning asking me to pray for him. He has cancer since about a year and a half. The doctors have told her that he most likely won't go beyond Wednesday. May the peace invade him and also Mxxx. May he be ready to encounter You.
* My prayer for my grandmother and especially for my aunt. I don't know how long will be left for grandma, but she's reaching the end too. May the peace of my dearest Lord invade her and also my aunt.

Wed 20080227
* Yesterday, the father of Mxxx passed away. She sent me a message the previous day to pray for him. Yesterday evening she sent me another message to tell me he dad died. May prayer for him and very especially for Mxxx.
* Grandma is sleeping better and so is my aunt. Going down little by little. However, these days she is happier.

Thu 20080208
* Yesterday, the mother of Nxxx, Exxx, passed away. Nxxx has been taking care of her for many years. She has almost shut down her own life for her mother. My prayer for Exxx and very especially for Nxxx. May Nxxx recover her life and be happy. She indeed deserves it. She has done your Will the best she could. May the comfort and consolation of my dearest Lord be with her.

Spiritual Sharing January 2008

Wed 20080102
* My little Axxx is jealous; jealous of You. For I feel very passionate for You and definitely not as much for him. May I get more passionate for him; but definitely not any less for You but still more; for my passion for him will be the true one the more I feel passionate for You. He liked my little present. Happy birthday, little Axxx.
* My prayer for my family. Thank you for my family. May all the noise that is now present starts with Your help to fade. My prayer for my aunt. May You give her and us the strength to stand to deal with my grandmother.

Tue 20080108
* Last Sunday I invited the whole family to come over for the Wise Men celebration. I prepared paella. It's been the best one I have ever cooked. Everyone enjoyed, the little Mxxx had a great time. It was well worth the effort.
* About dad having problems to see the good things and try to mitigate the not so good ones. My prayer for him. May he have some regular sleep and progressive mitigation of his breath recent problems. Maybe it is more about what he thinks than what he has but he cannot avoid it in the short term.
* I'm tired. I need a rest. I haven't taken any vacation during Christmas. Yesterday I worked the whole day (it was a holiday). I want to finish a report before taking vacation and it is taking longer as expected. I want to finish today and take some days off. I can see that I may get angry easier than other times. I should not allow this to happen as my family should not suffer my being tired. I should simply take some time off.
* I see my grandmother going progressively down and down. On Sunday, her voice reminded me the voice she had when she got out of the hospital at the beginning of last year. However, she was very happy with the gifts she received out of the Wise Men.
* The little Mxxx gave me a kiss before leaving on Sunday. I guess this is the first time she does such a thing and I liked it. About what a little child can do with a simple detail.
* Thank you for the New Years Eve with Mxxx, her sister, Rxxx and some other friends. I had a great time.
* About the birthday celebration of Mxxx Lxxx. I can see her very happy.

Thu 20080110
* Let me not forget to call dad asking for what the doctor told him. We are all getting too used to dad being sick, with pain, unable to sleep, tired. It is unfortunate for sometimes he might feel that we don't worry for him.
* Isaiah 42, 1-7:

Thus says the Lord:
Here is my servant whom I uphold,
my chosen one in whom my soul delights.
I have endowed him with my spirit
that he may bring true justice to the nations.

He does not cry out or shout aloud,
or make his voice heard in the streets.
He does not break the crushed reed,
nor quench the wavering flame.

Faithfully he brings true justice;
he will neither waver, not be curshed
until true justice is established on earth,
for the islands are awaiting his law.

I, the Lord, have called you to serve the cause of right;
I have taken you by the hand and formed you;
I have appointed you as covenant of the people and light of the nations.

To open the eyes of the blind,
to free captives from prison,
and those who live in darkness from the dungeon.

* Thank you my dearest Lord, for your sevant does not "cry out or shout aloud or make his voice heard in the streets". Thank you for He does not break the crushed reed nor quench the wavering flame. This is so much the way You have educated me. Thank You for being like this. Thank You for You "have taken me by the hand and You have formed me". Thank You for You have endowed me with Your spirit.

Tue 20080115
* My prayer for my family. My father, my aunt, my mother. These days, especially for my father. He's having a hard time with his health. For the little Pxxx who was just born a few weeks ago. There is a lot of noice, difficulties, things that get out of our control. Good relation among us though. Keep us all joined together.
* I went to my jesuit community yesterday evening. Pxxx was taking about being in a hurry as a lifestyle. I felt quite identified. I took yesterday the day off but I did not quite relax but took advantange to do a lot of those things that I cannot do when I'm working. By the end of the day, I was quite tired and found myself in this talk after being in a hurry the whole day. I closed my eyes while listening to the talk and thought of Axxx, hugging him and leaning my head on his shoulder. That was my symbol of the absence of hurriness. In the offerings of the mass after the talk, the people who prepared the mass offered some attitudes to drop in order to encounter the Lord. I internally did this offering: "The other day my boyfriend told me that he saw in me a remarkable absence of passion. However, he could see that the very big passion I had was for that from above and he was "jelous". I offer my dearest Lord that passion that Axxx was looking in me. I was not mine, I had received it from that who sent it and those fishermen who transmitted the message of my dearest Lord". I became quite emotional when doing this offering. Perhaps this one was also from my Lord.
* About writing the email to Axxx about how I enjoyed his conversation with this friend of him who was applying for a job. I enjoyed how he encouraged his friend. About the care and love of his conversation. He also liked his brighty eyes when he spoke to me about him thereafter.

Thu 20080117
* Prayer of a lucky man:
I'm lucky, my Lord, and I know it. I'm lucky to have met You, to know Your paths, Your will, Your law. Life is meaningful for I have met You, for I know that this hard world of us has a reason to be, that there's a loving hand who supports me, a friendly heart that thinks of me, an eternal presence day and night inside me. I know my way, for I have met You, You are the Way. Thinking of this makes me realize how lucky I am to have met You, to live with You.

Carlos G. Vallés S.J.

Fri 20080118
* About the email Axxx sent me yesterday. He preferred not to come to the invitation of the dinner with Sxxx, Exxx and Jxxx. He gave me a very good reason. His original passion for me is developing into affection, care, tenderness and perhaps friendship. For him, passion is very important and perhaps I have extinguished somehow his original passion. I'm unsure whether what he understands for passion is the same as what I understand. However, in my case, I develop that passion through time (am I being very rational?). He thinks that You, my dearest Lord, are his competitor. This breaks down my schemes as You (if it is really You and not some excuse on my side) will never be a competitor but the best supporter.
* My dearest Lord, let us speak about this. Let's clarify what's happening. Let me find out what he needs.

Mon 20080121
* Yesterday my little Axxx told me that he considered that our relationship does not have any future. His speech was loving, helping. We are not continuing, but I felt his love. His delicate way of telling me what he is feeling, his views. Finding out together what is happening. Listening to each other and reaching a level of communication that I only have with my best friends. He was very empathic. I wrote him yesterday night a thanksgiving email. Those that are written not expecting any answer. It is so true that one starts to value things indeed when they are gone. I'm happy that he entered my life. For his patience and love. Jxxx was right, I'm mainly looking for affection and he needs a lot more.

Wed 20080123
* Confusing feelings. Ups and downs under a down background. One thing that is clear: there's love in the midst of this situation. About my comment about the Divine Providence when we were discussing on Sunday. That brought tears into my eyes in front of him. He was very empathic. This comment was about not having everything under control and letting unexpected things happen. Those provided and not calculated. There is too much control and so little spontaneity on my side. I guess I'm afraid. But the other day I saw clearly my little Axxx's love for me, even in spite of the fact that he shutted down our relationship. He exited his side and tried indeed to understand my side. I learnt a lot from this conversation. Is there a real reason to be afraid? If ever something happened, I'd rather let it happen with my little Axxx; for he loves me.
* About the conversation with Jxxx Lxxx on Monday evening. I never thought that he would share with me what he did. Thanks for his sympathy; it did a lot of good in me. I saw that my stopping reasons are not that justified. Things are usually not perfect, but if there is love in the midst, it is different and there's love.
* Yesterday I went to Fxxx's mother funeral in ICAI. I saw many old faces. We usually see each other in this sort of event. Still, good to see them.
* "Thanks handsome! They are not hard, they are being estrange. Disorganized and estrange work. I don't want to heat up ... No way. Kisses". Keeping busy, mind and life busy. Not many chances to think too much. Letting some time go.