About sexual orientation and spituality

About sexual orientation and spirituality

Is 50, 4-7:
"The Lord God has given me a well trained tongue,
that I might know how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them.

Morning after morning he opens my ear that I may hear; and I have not rebelled, have not turned back.

I gave my back to those who beat me, my cheeks to those who plucked my beard; my face I did not shield from buffets and spitting.

The Lord God is my help, therefore I am not disgraced; I have set my face like flint, knowing that I shall not be put to shame".

Today I address myself to you with an inspired tongue, not because my word is particularly initiated, bright, inspired, or well-trained but because it is my Lord who inspires it. It is Him who teaches me "how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them".

It was my Lord who two years ago made me realize with this same text, of a call to share an encountering experience with Him from an unusual perspective: that from a gay person. Being aware of how helpful it was for me to listen to people like me talking about their own coming out process, this dearest Lord of mine has never stopped to insist that I could not keep this experience just for myself, even if only a few people would take advantage of it. My dearest Lord has been recursively repeating this same message for the past two years. He has opened my ear and after opposing this idea for quite some time, I could not resist any more.

When deciding to come out, one gets exposed to be observed and pointed, not accepted, being unable to be oneself. Today, my dearest Lord helps me to become vulnerable and start getting exposed to this situation sometimes with a great joy and others with a deep sorrow.

The story I want to share with you starts at the end of my secondary education. There I met the person who would become my best friend that year. That friendship overflowed all possible expectations of what up to that moment I understood for friendship. He transformed me and made me feel a joy and burning of heart that I had never experienced before. I also started to realize of my ups and downs when he was not paying all the attention that I would have liked. It was quite a few years later when I realized that this friendship with this boy had never been a friendship. Indeed, it was the first time I was in love with someone. At that moment I was not ready to accept that I was gay.

It was at the age of 25 that I realized how and who I was. I decided to tell my parents and my brother. It was quick. I joined them together. My brother was telling jokes about so much mystery and formality. My words were: "I just wanted to tell you that I'm gay". After a few minutes of silence, my mother asked a few questions and the meeting finished at once. After telling my parents, I decided that I would not tell anyone else. I consider myself very lucky because my parents accepted it very well and they always offered their support and acceptance.

During those years I always experienced myself as someone different. Someone that did not follow the processes of everyone, that did not speak about girls and never had a girlfriend. During this time I never met anyone gay to share experiences with. I could have searched him but I didn't do it. Perhaps because I did not have a strong enough need of it and because I felt very close the presence of my dearest Lord, who never left me walking on my own. At that part of my life I kept busy with a lot of activities (family, friends, parish, Jesuit group, work) which progressively developed an intense intimacy with the one who up to that moment and from that moment on, had been and would always be around: my dearest Lord.

The second message that I want to transmit is said in another passage of Isaiah:

Is 55,6-11:
"Seek Yahweh while he may be found;
call to him while he is near.
Let the wicked abandon his way,
let him forsake his thoughts,
let him turn to Yahweh for he will have mercy,

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
my ways are not your ways, says Yahweh.
For as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts above your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down
from the heavens and do not return
till they have watered the earth,
making it yield seed for the sewer
and food for others to eat,
so is my word that goes forth out of my mouth:
it will not return to me idle,
but it shall accomplish my will,
the purpose for which it has been sent".

This is my experience after some years of walk of life. The experience of trust and starting not to consider my criteria and plans as the best for me and those around me. It is the experience of starting to open myself to other plans, other criteria that are not my own and discover that it is precisely through those plans how my dearest Lord reveals Himself. Being able to confirm after some time, how wise and appropriate these upsetting and initially unappealing plans were, and how much happier they made me than my own.

Some years later, I went to the US to study. When I graduated, I looked for a job in Oklahoma. This was a difficult decision that I did carefully. This job fitted perfectly in what at that time I understood as my Lord's plan for my professional life: get knowledge in an interesting area to be able to return back to the university in Madrid and develop my professional career teaching and researching. The contract for this job was rescinded two weeks before starting. I had already moved out. This fact that initially left me completely upset and out of place would become a very deep instrument to encounter my Lord. It is the perception that there is someone taking care of me. Someone who has designed a joyful plan for me with immense care and love. The steps of this plan are revealed little by little, at their right time. It is the experience of the delicate hand of the Lord who hurts and heals simultaneously. The hand that combines the Passion and the Resurrection. Using the words of Teresa of Ávila:

"He hurt me with an arrow
poisoned with love,
and my soul became
one with its Creator;
I don't want any other love,
for to my Lord I have given myself.
And my Beloved is for me
and I am for my Beloved".

After having my contract rescinded, I found another job in New York. There, it was where I came out: I found a gay parish, discussion groups, retreats for people like me and an environment where I could start to live and express myself as I was, without pressure or judgment, where I did not have to control who knew, who didn't.

Today I thank my dearest Lord very deeply, for He brought me to New York though I had firmly decided to go to Oklahoma, trying my best to do His will. Today I trust more his criterion, for it goes so much beyond mine, for it is so much wiser than mine. I thank very deeply my Lord, for having plans for me. They upset me, I don't want them when they show up. I would have preferred other things, in other moments. However, I realize of the great love that my dearest Lord put in them and how these plans make me much happier than my own.

I started Saint Ignacio’s spiritual exercises in everyday life in this Jesuit parish during my second year in New York. I realized of the painful but also so delicate and loving plan that my Lord had designed for me. I started the spiritual exercises motivated by a Principle and Foundation that my dearest Lord and I wrote two years before. The previous year before starting this experience, I did a silent retreat and my working topics were the prayer "Take Lord and receive" from the contemplation to attain love from the fourth week of the spiritual exercises and this Principle and Foundation:

"The foundation of my life is a collection of simple little things. Things that happen on an ordinary day. They follow through time and on another ordinary day one asks oneself whether life is worth living. Trying to answer once more about the foundation of my life, the simple little things come up again. How small is the foundation of my life! Indeed, when one collects a lot of simple little things, a big reason to give thanks keeps growing, a big foundation why life is worth living. There are times in which willing to say great things, the words fill out my mouth; they even choke my throat. But the words abandon my mouth without conveying a little piece of heart. On the other hand, the simple little things don't choke my throat and it is my heart who gets out of my mouth and not my words".

It was the experience of not being too much impressed by big events, great words or experiences, big commitments, pharaonical projects. The experience of not paying too much attention to first tier people: the famous, the handsome, the clever, those who everyone looks at. The experience of looking at small details, little acts of love, small words or absence of them, a silent presence, saying hello, kisses, handshakes, hugs to known people or not so well known. It was the experience of starting to look at second tier people: those who are not famous, those who do things though nobody knows, those who are silently close without drawing too much attention, those who are ready to do what no one wants to do.

In the parish meetings I realized that I don't want to hear discussions, or sermons or read intellectually acomplished writings. I just want the weep or joy or shout for peace from those who transcribe from the readings of their heart. Not about perfect feelings but those from their own life. Without caring of others' thoughts, but honestly sharing their own.

The spiritual exercises in everday life brought me that contact inicially less intense but more permanent with my Lord. Through time, this contact became significantly more intense as long as I was realizing of how my dearest Lord was acting in my life.

The most vivid moments of encountering my Lord during that time can be summarized in the following notes:

* The process of encountering the Lord is so much NOT about me (what I do or fail to do) and so much MORE about Him: what He can achieve in me, what He does, what He did and what He is so much willing to do for me.

* Thank You, my dearest Lord, thank You; thank You very much; thank You so much, for you chose this very way of giving You (death on a cross) to teach me how to love.

* How shall I make a return to the Lord, for all the good He has done in me?

During this time in New York I was not searching very actively for a boyfriend. I did not go very often to gay places and I kept myself to the people around this parish. I found people that interested me who became my friends. I started to fall in love with one of them. During the second year in New York I didn't tell him what I felt because he was thinking of becoming a priest. At some point he decided to enter the noviciate. He told me about this in a retreat when I was ready to ask him whether he wanted to start dating. I decided to get out of his path and not interfere in his own process.

That weekend I felt quite lonely. I have lived many years alone, out of Spain and I'm used to this. However, that weekend I felt especially lonely. I started to realize that I felt like that because I decided to get out of his path. This decision was rational but my heart was still resisting. I thought that after going through all this process there was nothing left for me (I had given everything). The following day, when I was doing the spiritual exercises in everyday life, I read the prayer of generosity of S. Ignacio. I had read it before, but it did not draw too much my attention. That Monday my dearest Lord wanted to show me who He is through the last sentence of this prayer:

"Eternal Lord, only begotten son of God,
Teach me true generosity.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve.
To give without counting the cost,
To fight heedless of wounds,
To labor without seeking rest,
To sacrifice myself without thought of any reward
Save the knowledge that I have done your will.
Amen".

The last sentence of this prayer showed me the path towards not searching for a reward in our actions, save the knowledge of having done the will of our Lord. My dearest Lord wanted to move my heart very strongly when reading this last sentence. What was left for me after all, was simply the internal knowledge that I had done the will of my dearest Lord. That was enough, indeed it was plenty, much more than what I needed. After this encounter, I never felt lonely again or thought that the decision of withdrawing of his life was wrong.

Finally, this gentleman who I felt in love with, did not get into the novitiate. I started to make plans to get back to Spain after the second year in New York. My original intention was not to unveil my feelings towards him. On one side not to disturb, as it's of little help to say someone that one loves him and leave a few weeks later. On the other side, because I did not want to commit myself up to the point of considering the possibility of staying in New York some more years.

A few weeks before getting back to Spain, I came across him in a mass and we sat together (we did not usually do it). In this mass my dearest Lord wanted to vividly move my heart so that I would not get back to Spain without saying what I was feeling. When the mass ended I told him in approximately three minutes. He had to leave very quickly and I had something to say that could not wait. It was not only about saying "I love you" but also "I stay" for at least another year and a half in New York if he was willing to start up a relationship. He was not acquainted with what I was feeling (I had previously taken myself out of his path) and definitely not prepared to start a relationship with me. However, he told me that he would call me during the following week.

It is very difficult to express with words the Passover of my Lord during this mass or some other moments in which it happened. Moments in which one understands who the Lord is, because it is the Lord Himself who expresses with simple little things who He is. It is a knowledge that (at least in my case) comes a lot more from affection than from reason. To try to express what happened in this encounter, I borrow a few words from Saint John of the Cross:

"I entered where I knew not,
and stayed without knowing,
all science overflowing.

I did not know where I entered,
but, when there I saw me,
without knowing where I was,
great things I understood;
I won't tell what I felt
that I stayed without knowing
all science overflowing.

The one who sincerely there arrives,
tired of himself becomes;
all prior great knowledge
seems suddenly out of place;
and his science grows so higher,
that stayed without knowing,
all science overflowing

And if you want to hear it,
this highest science consists
of an exalted feeling
of His Divine Essence:
it is the work of his clemence
to leave us without knowing
all science overflowing".

Saint John of the Cross.

This text is the expression of allowing oneself to be led to an unknown situation, to get out of oneself, to be exposed to insecurity, to abandon having everything under control to start having nothing under control. In this situation one discovers that it is possible to understand without knowing. I did not know what my Lord wanted me to do. I knew what I wanted (not to say anything). But my Lord wanted to lead me to this upseting situation and I understood the message. All my reasons turned to second place.

The experience of reaching this situation sincerely makes me feel tired of myself. I cannot bear me any longer; I cannot bear any longer more of those so many reasons that implicitely look for my own interest. The most important is no longer what I want. All reasons seem out of place. It is that beautiful expression of Saint Paul: "I have everything for a loss in comparison with the Mesiah".

Finaly, "if you want to hear it", this overflowing science consists of an overwhelming feeling of His Divine Essence. For when one encounters the Lord (at least in my case), great ideas, or words, or thoughts, or reasons don't come out: only simple little things. They make us feel strongly who the Lord is, how He gives himself to us, how He loves us. A feeling that moves the heart when one thinks and remembers those little things. In this particular situation three simple words: "I love you", in others to write an email, or make a call, or contemplate a person in a difficult situation, or make a small prayer for someone and send it. All this is the work of His clemence. For even if it is only for a moment, one has to admit that this is a gift from God and the only thing one can do about it, is to give thanks.

After saying what I felt on that Sunday, I took ownership of my Lord's gift through a triumph spirit which flattered this big step. However, my dearest Lord wanted to show me to be humble when that suceeding spirit started to progressively descend up to the lowest, on the following Friday. For this person I declared to, did not call or say anything. The Lord make me feel little, small, the tiniest of all. Today I thank my dearest Lord. It was me who finally wrote him and we agreed to meet on Saturday afternoon.

On Saturday morning, in spite of my somehow hopeless state, I decided to go with a friend to the funeral of his father who had passed away a few days before. Previous to arriving at the church, we got his grandmother, his mother and a friend of the family on the car. They were somehow disputing. When I saw them I could hardly believe what was happening. When getting into the church I found myself sorrounded by strangers and my friend could not take care of me as he was talking care of the family. I found a small place in a little corner, praying for someone I hardly knew. The sister of my friend, full of humanity, started to talk about her father. Her words moved strongly my heart and those strangers started to be familiar. That nonsensical situation started to be full of sense. When I got back to Manhattan, I felt much better than when I left for the funeral.

After arriving in Manhattan, I met the person I declared myself to the previous week. He confirmed that he could not offer me what I needed but simply his best friendship.

I arrived home and there I found a very good girl friend of mine who was staying a few days at home. I told her what had happened and how I was. Only my dearest Lord knows how thankful I felt for her presence. In the early morning of the following day (I could hardly sleep) I wrote an email to the one who could not correspond my love. That message was not mine but my Lord's.

In the experience of the spiritual exercises in everyday life, those days I was going through the passion. That passion happened at the same time as my own passion. The email I wrote that early morning was the inflection point in which my passion turned into resurrection. This email healed me and from that moment on, I only evolved upwards. It was the fourth week of the spiritual exercises in everyday life what was starting: the resurrection.

I remember the comment of the director of my spiritual exercises in everyday life: "You have contemplated the passion of Christ and you have experienced your own passion. Why don't you contemplate Lord's concern for your own passion?". When I did this exercise, my dearest Lord wanted to move strongly my heart when I contemplated Him saying to me this little thanksgiving prayer:

"Thank you xxxx, thank you; thank you very much, thank you SO MUCH for you chose this very way of giving you, to show me how you love".

During Easter, I took a vacation week to do job interviews in Spain, anticipating my return to Spain after summer. I did some interviews for a company through a friend. Finally this company did not offered me a job. I realized that this person did not pushed much for me. He thought that perhaps I didn't fit in that department. Today I thank strongly his decision. However, at that moment I could not help feeling angry and out of place.

This friend had worked in a great company in London and decided to leave his super-job and get back to Spain because this father had cancer and was dying. In our last job interview, he told me that when he got back to Spain he could spend still six months with his father before his death. Those words moved strongly my heart but I didn't tell him anything. Perhaps because it was a job interview and after all, we didn't know each other so well.

When the company confirmed that they would not offer me a job, I felt angry and out of place. I brought the memory of this friend with some anger. However, I thought that if I were him I would most probably have done the same. On that night I wrote him an email. At the beginning I was feeling angry. However, as long as I wrote, my dearest Lord transformed my feelings, turning my anger in something very different:

"Dear xxxx:

In spite of the fact that at the end of the selection process there haven't been opportunities, I cannot but thank you for your interest and help. You have been the link that has given me at least the opportunity of knowing your group and lines of work (at first those were all my expectations).

Before accepting my job in New York, I found another one in Oklahoma which I thought was better for me. It turned out that a week before starting and having already moved out, they rescinded my offer (the company was doing Energy Trading and plunged after Enron's scandal). Two years later, I strongly believe that they did me a great favor. Today I allow myself thinking about the possibility that your company is doing me another great favor. I have very good reasons to think that things happen for some reason and the providence will explain why.

In our last interview, I did not feel confident enough, perhaps because we don't know each other so well, or perhaps because you were my interviewer. Now that the selection process is ended, I simply wanted to tell you that I strongly agree with your reasons to get back to Spain. They make me feel admired and respectful. I think that you will never have doubts about why you got back. In the last years I'm educating my decision criterion to choose with these type of priorities.

Finally (and perhaps this was what I was most willing to have told you at the end of our last interview), I'm so sorry for the death of your father.

Receive a tight hug,

xxxx".

With this email I simply want to express what my dearest Lord can achieve in my angry and out of place heart. After writing this email, I never again felt any anger or resentment against this friend. Indeed, what I started to feel from that moment on, was a deep feeling of thanksgiving.

When I returned back to Madrid, my original intention was to propose the possibility of creating a gay group in my Jesuit community. I arranged a meeting with one of the spiritual directors to check with him this proposal. I also proposed him to give this coming out talk in front of the whole group. This meeting was fixed at the end of November. At the beginning of October, someone told me that a person was necessary to lead the welcome group (a group to help the integration of new people). I thought that I could be called to do this. However, I preferred to lead the gay group. I thought of asking first whether my proposal was appropriate, and if it was rejected, then to offer myself to lead the welcome group.

I went to a retreat with another group called "Welcome and Sharing" and there my dearest Lord decided once more to change my plans. My heart got strongly moved for the fact of thinking that I could not make the welcome group wait for a month an a half to see if my will (creating a gay group) was satisfied. After that experience, I offered myself to lead this welcome group. A month an a half before speaking to the spiritual director.

It's again the expression of how my Lord changes my plans. Of how His plans are beyond mine and how more happy I am when I follow His plans. Of how this Lord has a plan for me carefully developed with immense love. A few months after deciding to lead the welcome group, I found a Christian gay group within the gay community center in Madrid (COGAM).

A few weeks ago, when I was reading the psalm of the Sunday mass, one of these simple little things I was talking about before came up:

Psalm 130:

"Guard my soul in peace before you, O Lord

O Lord, my heart is not proud
nor haughty my eyes.
I have not gone after things too great
nor marvels beyond me.

Truly I have set my soul in silence and peace.
A weaned child on its mothers' breast,
even so is my soul.

O Israel, hope in the Lord
both now and for ever".

My context when I read this text was a strong feeling of being limited and unable in my work. A context in which I cannot progress forward at the rhythm I would have liked. The message received was a deep thanksgiving, for in this situation my heart is not proud nor haughty my eyes. I'm not willing to go after things too great nor marvels beyond me.

With respect to my relation with the hierarchical church, I can only say that I know who I trust and that who I trust is God, God himself. My criterion to act is given by what my dearest Lord and I sincerely discern in my best conscience. This discernment process is carried out with the help of people inside and outside the church. This is perhaps the reason why I have avoided many conflicts with the hierarchical church. I feel than from a sincere and loving search of the truth, the condemnation from the hierarchical church to the gay community has not affected me as much as to other people. I know many who have left the church. And many of those who still stay in the church, live their relation with the hierarchical church in a very conflictive and belligerent way. Feeling guilty and excluded. I think (and I can be wrong) that this situation arises because these people haven't received or accepted the immense gift of discovering and encountering the Lord. This can be explained to a certain extent because some sectors of the hierarchical church have not succeeded to show who the Lord is. I have been very lucky to have found a part of the church who has shown me who my dearest Lord is. To them I'm deeply grateful.

To end, I wanted to clarify that as a gay man, I don't feel that my condition is a consequence of any dysfunction, failure or illness which must be avoided or corrected. Certainly, I haven't chosen to be gay. However, I think that it was my dearest Lord who decided to create me as I am and I certainly think that He didn't do any mistake. I think that He decided to create me as I am with a purpose, a vocation. He had already thought of a plan to express Himself to the world through me, as I am. I think that my Lord takes advantage of the gay community as any other even more marginal, excluded, humiliated and poor communities, to show us who He is and express his love for the world.

Spiritual Sharing November 2006

Spiritual Sharing November 2006

Thu 20061116

"Espíritu Santo,
concédenos poner paz allí donde hay antagonismos,
y hacer perceptible
por medio de nuestra vida,
un reflejo de la compasión de Dios.
Sí, concédenos amar
y manifestarlo con nuestra vida".

Hermano Roger de Taizé

"Saint Spirit,
give us the ability to spread peace where there are discords,
and make visible
through our life
God's compassion.
Yes, gives us the ability to love
and express it with our life".

Brother Roger of Taizé

Wed 20061115

* Psalm 15.

"Preserve me, God, I take refuge in you.

O Lord, it is you who are my portion and cup;
it is you yourself who are my prize.
I keep the Lord ever in my sight:
since he is at my right hand, I shall stand firm.

And so my heart rejoices, my soul is glad;
even my body shall rest in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead,
nor let your beloved know decay.

You will show me the path of life,
the fullness o joy in your presence,
at your right hand happiness for ever".

* My dearest Lord, "it is You who are my portion and cup; it is You Yourself who are my prize". I don't need great expectations or promises. I just want the presence of my dearest Lord. Surely, all those expectations and promises are true. However, it seems to me that the presence of my dearest Lord is enough for me. That's all I need. May this dearest Lord of mine be willing to let me know who He is. I'm willing to know. He is so much willing to let Himself known to me.

Tue 20061114

* About the talk by Jxxx that I was reading a few days ago about the Holy Spirit.

"Cuando descubres a gente que se calla pudiendo defenderse, al ser tratada injustamente con mentiras, y calla sin disfrutar de su silencio. Cuando descubres a alguien que se priva de algo sin esperar agradecimiento, sin ser reconocido por los demás; incluso cuando por dentro, el hacer eso tampoco te deja la sensación de estar liberado".

"When one discovers people that is quiet when they could be defensive when being treated unfairly through lies, and they are quiet without enjoying their silence. When one discovers somebody who voluntarily decides not to have what he wants without expecting anything from the others, not even their acknowledgement; even when internally, they don't have the sensation of feeling released".

Mon 20061106

* My prayer for Lxxx Fxxx. May Your presence be upon him so that he does not feel hopeless. Let us bring up our presence close to him so that he does not feel alone.

* Thank you for the appetitive at Cxxx's and for the conversation with my parents about a proposal to bring out to the gay debate into my Jesuit community. I called one of the Jesuit priests yesterday night to do my proposal. There might not be many gay people in this community. However, I ask myself whether these gay people are not there because they felt that this Jesuit community was not their place any more. Especially when they were young. When people leave a community, they start to live their faith on their own. That is very hard and difficult. They don't have much support in parishes.

Sun 20061105

* Psalm 17:

"Yo te amo, Señor; tú eres mi fortaleza;
Señor, mi roca, mi alcázar, mi libertador.

Dios mío, peña mía, refugio mío, escudo mío
mi fuerza salvadora, mi baluarte.
Invoco al Señor de mi alavanza
y quedo libre de mis enemigos.

Viva el Señor, bendita sea mi Roca
sea ensalzado mi Dios y Salvador.
Tú diste gran victoria a tu rey,
tuviste misericordia de tu Ungido".

"I love you, Lord my strength,
my rock, my fortress, my saviour.

My God is the rock where I take refuge;
my shield, my mighty help, my stronghold.
The Lord is worthy of all praise:
when I call I am saved from my foes.

Long life to the Lord, my rock!
Praised be the God who saves me.
He has given great victories to his king
and shown his love for his anointed".

* My prayer for Lxxx Fxxx. Thank you so much for yesterday meeting at CHISMHOM. It was simple, but I enjoyed it so much. I am realizing of how powerful it was the more I think about it. Your presence was there in such a simple way. Thank you especially for the sharing of Lxxx Fxxx. He is feeling hopeless. It was very sincere and simple. Of how Axxx, at the very end of the meeting, mentioned him, giving support. About those simple prophetic signs (this simple word of support) which tell us who You are and how You work through us. There were quite a few of those prophetic signs as long as we were talking about them.

Fri 20061103

* Last Friday a colleague of work approached me 20 minutes before getting back home. I thought that he was going to ask me about the work he was developing at that moment. I approached him but he asked me to go to a more private area nearby. Then, I thought that he wanted to speak about his situation at work, problems, difficulties and so on. He said to me: 'I'm going to marry. You are the first to know it'. I thanked him and congratulated for so wonderful news. He asked me if I knew anyone giving a good pre-marriage course. He told me that his girlfriend did not go through the process of religion and she didn't know much even culturally about Catholicism. He asked me then whether I knew any initiation course. I told him that these things are more about an encountering experience than just acquiring some knowledge. Then I recommended him a couple of parishes where they could go to adult meeting groups.

* I pray for them, so that they may encounter you. I give thanks for they are searching. I give thanks for there's still people searching You.

* Deuteronomy 6,2-6: "Listen, Israel: The Lord our God is the one Lord. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength. Let these words I urge on you today be written on your heart". My dearest Lord, may these words be written on my heart.

Tue 20061010

* Psalm 89,12-17:

"Fill us with your love that we may rejoice.
Make us know the shortness of our life
that we may gain wisdom of heart"

* My dearest Lord, make me know the shortness of my life that I may gain the wisdom of Your heart. For there's compared to Your wisdom, I want to hold riches as nothing and consider all gold as a pinch of sand.

Mon 20061009

* Thank you for this wonderful opera Exxx brought me last Thursday. The dinner on Friday night was also good. My prayer for Sxxx. Hoping she gets what she needs.

* I enjoyed working with my father and brother setting up in Humanes all the furniture which was left over after my brother renewed his kitchen. We worked together very well. It was fun to see all the gadgets my brother had (we worked very well thanks to that).

* About the little concert with Bach cantatas. I send the message of the two choirs of the last cantata to Axxx. Always about accepting suffering as a means for encountering God (at least not avoiding suffering systematically as difficult situations reveal us who our dearest Lord is like).

* Wisdom 7,7-11: "I prayed, and understanding was given to me; I entreated, and the spirit of Wisdom came to me. I esteemed her more than sceptres and thrones; compared with her, I held riches as nothing. I reckoned no priceless stone to be her peer, for compared with her, all gold is a pinch of sand, and beside her, silver ranks as mud. I loved her more than health or beauty, preferred her to the light, since her radiance never sleeps. In her company all good things came to me, at her hands riches not to be numbered".

Wed 20061004

* Romans 8, 26-27

"The Spirit comes to help us in our weakness. For when we cannot choose words in order to pray properly, the Spirit himself expresses our plea in a way that could never be put into words, and God who knows everything in our hearts knows perfectly well what the Spirit means, and that the pleas of the saints expressed by the Spirit are according to the mind of God".

* My prayer for Jxxx. May the Spirit come to help us in our weakness, when we cannot choose words to pray properly for Your Spirit himself expresses our plea without words and You know what we mean.

Tue 20061003

* Thank you for reencountering Jxxx Rxxx and his brother Jxxx. Thank you for that simple but wonderful dinner also with Exxx.

* About going to Xavier on Saturday morning with my mother and Mxxx. A long way but it was worth the travel. We had a great time. About the mass at Xavier church. Enjoying to take communion the very last one. When I knelt at consecration the whole row did at the same time. As if there was some sort of communion, a common feeling, a shared experience, synchronous hearts.

* Of how this man, married and with several children, approached me caressing with a gentle touch. I did not feel harassed but I am worried for him. My dearest Lord, let me know what to do about this.

* Thank you for the 4th symphony by Bruckner and the presence of Exxx with me. I enjoyed very much being wrapped into this wonderful music.

* I need to leave my computer alone. I'd rather play the piano. I need to sleep.

* Remembering the story of Frodo and Sam (from the Lord of the Rings). My heart got very moved with of how this two fiction characters remind me so much of how my dearest Lord is.

* About the messages of this girl who came to Xavier with my mother and me. She was thanking the welcome and praying for me. I feel that many people pray for me. Your presence fills my like and is stronger than anything else.

Tue 20060926

* I enjoyed very much the presence of Axxx yesterday at dinner. Of how the presence of my Lord came to me yesterday morning with this wonderful "Colloquy of love":

Coloquio de amor

"Si el amor que me tenéis, | Dios mío, es como el que os tengo; | decidme, ¿en qué me detengo? | O Vos, ¿en qué os detenéis?

Alma, ¿qué quieres de mí? | Dios mío, no más que verte. | Y ¿qué temes más de ti? | lo que más temo es perderte.

Un amor que ocupe os pido, | Dios mío, mi alma os tenga, | para hacer un dulce nido | donde más la convenga.

Un alma en Dios escondida, | ¿qué tiene que desear? | sino amar y más amar, | y en amor toda encendida | tornarte de nuevo a amar?."

* Axxx broke his arm some weeks ago and now he is recovering the mobility of his arm (only 15 days unable to move his arm). It is a tedious and painful process. About the image of my dearest Lord approaching Axxx from behind. He cannot see him. You were taking his arm with lots of care. You were moving it backwards and forwards very gently. When reaching the end, you were stretching a little more. Axxx started to feel the pain. He pressed his teeth tight. My dearest Lord did the same from behind. He was feeling the pain of Axxx when he saw him with this teeth pressed. My dearest Lord stretched very gently a little more, felt a little more pain. Then he released the arm and stated to move it in the opposite direction. One movement after the other, Axxx was feeling the pain at the end of each movement. The movement was slow to allow for a little of rest in between each end. Time after time the arm could move more and more and the pain was no longer such pain. The love of my dearest Lord manifests in this way.

* I imagined myself doing the same thing with Axxx. Contemplating the subtle and gentle way of moving his arm. Feeling his own pain when reaching the end of each movement.

Thu 20060921

* St James 3,16- 4,3: "Whenever you find jealousy and ambition, you find disharmony, and wicked things of every kind being done; whereas the wisdom that comes down from above is essentially something pure; it also makes for peace, and is kindly and considerate; it is full of compassion and shows itself by doing good.

Where do these wars and battles between yourselves first start?. Isn't it precisely in the desires fighting inside your own selves?. You want something and you haven't got it; so you are prepared to kill. You have an ambition that you cannot satisfy; so you fight to get your way by force. Why you don't have what you want is because you don't pray for it; when you do pray and don't get it, it is because you have not prayed properly, you have prayed for something to indulge your own desires.

Wed 20060920

* Wisdom 2,12; 17-20: "The godless say to themselves, 'Let us lie in wait for the virtuous man, since he annoys us and opposes our way of life, reproaches us for our breaches of the law and accuses us of playing false to our upbringing. Let us see if what he says is true, let us observe what kind of end he himself will have. If the virtuous man is God's son, God will take his part and rescue him from the clutches of his enemies. Let us test him with cruelty and with torture, and thus explore this gentleness of his and put his endurance to the proof. Let us condemn him to a shameful death since he will be looked after (we have his word for it)".

* My dearest Lord, am I put to the test?, do they oppress me waiting for You to help me?. I don't think they even wait for that. May the peace be present in this world of ours. May I contribute to it.

Mon 20060918

* Thank you my dearest Lord because You are great with us. For You take care of us. Thank you for Sxxx' job. Thank you, for the subtle way You told me that You are with us. With that Psalm that brought me so intensively Your presence and the presence of Sxxx. For You heard our voice. Thank you, my dearest Lord, thank you very much, thank you so much.

Wed 20060913

* Psalm 114, 1-6, 8-9:

"I will walk in the presence of the Lord in the land of the living.

I love the Lord for he has heard
the cry of my appeal;
for he turned his ear to me
in the day when I called him.

They surrounded me, the snares of death,
with the anguish of the tomb;
they caught me, sorrow and distress.
I called on the Lord's name.
O Lord my God, deliver me!.

How gracious is the Lord, and just,
our God has compassion.
The Lord protects the simple hearts;
I was helpless so he saved me.

He has kept my soul from death,
my eyes from tears
and my feet from stumbling.
I will walk in the presence of the Lord
in the land of the living".

* I pray so that Sxxx may tell You, my dearest Lord: "I love the Lord for he has heard the cry of my appeal; for he turned his ear to me in the day when I called him".

Tue 20060912

* About the conversation I had with Axxx yesterday. He did not seem very enthusiastic. Recovering his broken arm, that was not as easy as he initially thought. His traveling plans in the near future don't seem to fit with his arm limitations. Maybe Jxxx was right. I found him a little sad. My little prayer for him, for his brother (who was operated from a brain tumor). Hoping he can recover soon and be happy.

* About the little meeting with Exxx, Oxxx and Cxxx. It was nice to see them after the summer.

Mon 20060911

* About being busy this weekend. Thank you for the birthday party of Jxxxx and Sxxx. I had a great time.

* I enjoyed very much being on Saturday at Nxxx and Exxx' house with some other old class mates at university. I enjoyed it very much. For the wonderful welcome, the meal that Nxxx and Exxx prepared for us.

* About helping out moving furniture at my brother's house. He has so much stuff. About how pretty and wonderful was the little Mxxx (their daughter).

* About the little conversation with Sxxx at her birthday party. Talking about long term work, struggling with uncertainty. After almost six months working hard at work, last week the light came up and we understood everything (all results came by in a week after several months). Talking about that with Sxxx. Of how she has been struggling for a year to find a reasonable job. My prayer for her, so that she may find what she is looking for. Always with hope (though it is not easy for her or for anyone to keep hope after so much time struggling).

Mon 20060908

* "Dans nos obscurités, allume la flame qui ne s'eteint jamais, qui ne s'eteint jamais. Dans nos obscurités, allume la flame qui ne s'eteint jamais." (un chant de Taizé).

* In our obscurities, fire on the flame that never extinguishes, that never extinguishes. In our obscurities, fire on the flame that never extinguishes" (from a Taizé song).

* Psam 145, 7-10:

"My soul, give praise to the Lord.

It is the Lord who keeps faith for ever,
who is just to those who are oppressed.
It is he who gives bread to the hungry,
the Lord, who sets prisoners free.

It is the Lord who gives sight to the blind,
who raises up those who are bowed down,
the Lord who loves the just,
the Lord who protects the stranger.

The Lord upholds the widow and orphan,
but thwarts the path of the wicked.
The Lord will reign for ever,
Zion's God, from age to age, Alleluia!".

* Thank you, my dearest Lord, for You are always there, You take care of me. I have been struggling for almost six months with the provisions at work. Finally, today it is the official presentation. All the important conclusions came up this past week. The result of six months. I don't know well how all this got figured out. Thank You my Lord for being there. I'm sure You are always there.

Wed 20060906

* Psalm 145, 7-10: "It is the Lord who gives bread to the hungry, the Lord, who sets prisoners free. It is the Lord who gives sight to the blind, wo raises up those who are bowed down, the Lord who loves the just, the Lord, who protects the stranger".

* My prayer for Sxxx. May she find what she needs most. My prayer for Jxxx Lxxx's father and for the rest of the family.

* This Friday is the funeral of Jxxx, the son of Vxxx. He died a year ago, doing scuba diving. He was very young. Everyone got really affected by this. My prayer for Vxxx (his mother) and Eduardo (his brother). Also for the rest of the family.

Tue 20060905

* 1 John 2,1-5: "Listen, my dear brothers: it was those who are poor according to the world that God chose, to be rich in faith and to be heirs to the kingdom of which he promised to those who love him".

Thu 20060901

* Working too hard for the past week. Not having enough time for anything. Hoping that I can reach a softer steady state.

* My prayer for Cxxx and for Sxxx.

* Feeling a little discouraged at work for the atmosphere. I'm working too hard, whereas the rest of people seem to be very relaxed. Not feeling very close to the conversations around me. Receiving the impression that the model of life is to work as little as possible. I cannot see much motivation. It may be simply the result of my pressed personal situation.

Mon 20060828

* About this past weekend that I spent with my family in my grandmothers' village in Guadalajara.

* Ixxx came by on Sunday slightly complaining because we didn't go and visit her. She brought me a cake she had just baked. It was excellent. Ixxx is building a house in the village for his daughter and son. They did never get on very well with the family (not too well even between them). I guess that Ixxx wants to build this house to have something to offer to her son and daughter after working very hard for her whole life and draw them close to her in the coming years. I understand the little complain of Ixxx, she is lonely perhaps and needs someone who may think of her. She has been taking care of old people for many years. Now she is getting older. Let me think of her and visit her. Just a small visit may be enough. A little letter. A tiny word. Let me think of her. Let me have her present. I pray today for Ixxx so that she never feels lonely.

* About getting back to Madrid with Sxxx and Mxxx. I enjoyed the trip. We don't see each other very often but we updated each other quite well. Thank you for their availability to bring me.

Thu 20060825

* Letter to Diognète (written around 190-200). The author is unknown but regards himself as being non-christian.

"Christians are not different from others by their country, language or dressing. They don't live in their own neighbourhood or speak extraordinary dialects (,,,). They smply follow local dressing, eating or way of living, manifesting surprising attitudes and really paradoxical, which come from belonging to a community well moved by the Spirit of God.

They don't refuse their obligations as citizens and stand all charges. For them every foreign land is their nation and their nation is foreign land. They marry as everyone else, they have children but they don't abandon their new born. They all share the same table but not the same bed. They are in the world but they don't live according to the world. They spend their lives on earth but they are citizens of heaven. They obey the established laws but their way of living well over satisfies those laws.

They love all human beings, but they are persecuted. They are misunderstood, condemned. They are killed, and through that they win life. They are poor but enrich a great deal. They don't have anything but over-abound of everything. They are despised and through that they get justified. They are insulted and they bless (...).

In one word, they same way the soul is in the body, the christians are in the cities of the world (...).

Persecuted, christians multiply from day to day. The responsability that they received from God is so important that they are not allowed to give up".

"Les chrètiens ne se distinguent des autres hommes ni par le pays, ni par le langage, ni par le vêtements. Ils n'habitent pas de villes que leur soient propres, ils ne se servent pas d'un dialected extraordinarire (...) Ils se conforment aux usages locaux pour les vêtements, la nourriture et la manière de vivre, tout en manifestant les attitudes étonnantes et vraiment paradoxales que leur viennent de leur appartenance á une communauté toute animée par l'Esprit de Dieu.

Ils s'acquittent de tous leurs devoirs de citoyens, et supportent toutes les charges. Toute terre étrangère leur est une patrie et toute patrie une terre étrangère. Ils se marient comme toute le monde, ils ont des enfants, mais n'abandonnent pas leurs nouveau-nés. Ils partagent tous la même table, mais non la même couche. Ils sont dans le monde, mais ne vivent pas selon le monde. Ils passent leur vie sur la terre, mais sont citoyens du ciel. Ils obéissent aux lois établies mais leur manière de vivre dépasse de beaucoup ces lois.

ILs aiment tous les humains, mais on les persécute. On les méconnaît, on les condamne. On les tue, et par là ils gagnent la vie. ILs sont pauvres et enrichissent un grand nombre. Ils manquent de tout et surabondent en toutes choses. On les méprise, et dans ce mépris ils trouvent leur gloire. (...) On les calomnie et ils sont justifiés. On les insulte, et ils bénissent. (...).

En un mot, ce que l'âme est dans le corps, les chrétiens le sont dans le monde. L'âme est répandue dans tous les membres du corp comme les chrétiens dans les cités du monde (...).

Persécutés, les chrétiens se multiplient de jour en jour. La responsabilité que Dieu leur a confiée est si importante, qu'il ne leur est pas permis de déserter".

Wed 20060824

* About the dinner with Jxxx, Sxxx, Exxx and Cxxx. Talking about important things in the middle of a relaxed atmosphere where stupid and funny comments came through. Praying for Sxxx and Jxxx. May the presence of my dearest Lord be with them. About that seminar about vulnerability at Taizé. I did not attend but remembering the comments of those who did: making oneself vulnerable as a priviledged way to encounter You. Thinking about Jxxx and Sxxx. Of how vulnerable they may feel. May all this difficult situation for both be a means to encounter You.

Tue 20060823

* Getting back from the trip to Bulgaria. Remembering some deep moments during the trip. They came from the previous weeks. Thinking about not being rejected by Axxx during the wedding in Bordeaux, the farewell mass of Víctor and the hugs with the people of Mxxx's parish.

* Spending time with this group of people from Acoger y Compartir.

* About sharing spontaneously with Jxxx Mxxx of how I am going with my gay group, some of the events in France. I thank him for accepting me and offering his support.

* Installing programs yesterday in the PDA, reading some email. I realized how long I spend doing this. Other things might be more interesting. About reading or playing the piano. I think I should find some time for this. I could continue using the computer or the PDA but it might not be as urgent as it may seem. I can do other things in the meantime.

Tue 20060815

* When I was in the bus today, I was thinking about the passage of the marriage of Cana. Of how Mary approached Jesus telling him that there was no wine. Jesus complained saying that his time had not come yet. However, he finally did what his mother wanted (provide the wine).

* Thinking about the fairwell party of Vxxx (a Congolese priest who stayed in my parish for seven years). When giving the peace, my mother said aloud: 'isn't there anyone hugging Vxxx the day of his farewell?'. In fact, I didn't realize of what was happening. A few seconds later she told me: 'why don't you go and hug him?'. My mother asks me to do these type of things from time to time. I don't like it. I felt a little like Jesus complaining about Mary telling him that there was no wine ('no one is hugging Vxxx ...'). My first reaction was to internally complain. However, I went down the stairs (I was sitting behind the altar), crossed the altar behind the priests (Vxxx was at the other corner), approached Vxxx and hugged him. I finally did what my mother suggested (well after complaining), pretty much as Jesus did what Mary wanted (well after complaining). After doing this little thing, I started to realize of how good idea it was. It did not originate from me (it was my mother's idea). I felt like a simple messenger, transmitting a message of someone else (the message that also received my mother and transmitted it to me).

* About the simple mass we celebrated in the morning in the middle of the garden of the hotel. Of how Jxxx Mxxxl shared the phone conversation he had with Txxx from Niger. The people from Niger had organized a party to celebrate the innaguration of all the projects that were developed during the whole year. They were celebrating in the desert with the sky full of stars. He shared with us that these moments in which projects are innagurated and celebration follows are those momnts in which the work of a whole year is justified and hope and energy for future projects is provided.

Mon 20060814

* About the orthodox service yesterday. Of how the pastor came out and joined us. He was very pleased to be with us. He thanked our presence and our will to be with them. He invited the three priests that came with us to come inside (where only the priests can be). He kissed them and they all prayed for the piece and unity for a few minutes. It was a very simple way to welcome us and make us participate in their service.

Sun 20060813

* Today I was in an ordodox service at the cathedral in Sofia. There where several things I was not used at all. During the service I was contemplating the simple hug that Santi gave me last Thursday. I did not quite expect it. When he approached me to say hello, I put my hand on his shoulder and he espontaneously hugged me. We don't know each other too much (we just shared a few days in Taizé).

* About a little message received today in this orthodox service. It was about sharing, perhaps at a talk about simple little things, a thought that came up vividly to me when I went to Axxx wedding in Bordeaux two weeks ago. In my second stay in France, I progressively fell in love with him, though I was not very aware of it at the time. He was the first person I dared tell about being gay after my parents. Finally I did, one afternoon. He was confused and told me that he was not like me. I asked him to hug me but he refused at that time. I left him and went to the little chapel of the residence where I was living and spent there some hour and a half trying to calm down. I went out of the chapel and approached the entrance of the residence. He passed by at that moment and saw me. I would have expected him to look down, trying not to have seen me and continue walking. I even expected him to ask me to leave him alone and get out of his life. However, to my surprise, he approached the door and opened it to help me in. He shook my hand and looked into my eyes. He finally told me that he was going up to his room and invited me to go with him. I joined following him.

* Of how much all this succession of simple and espontaneous little acts meant to me. I thanked so much that he preferred to trust who I was, rather than all derogatory stereotypes about gay people. He simply behaved as if nothing had happened because indeed, that was the case. I continued being the same person. He knew that and didn't care about anything else.

Fri 20060811

* Isaïe 52,7-10: "Qu'ils sont beaux, sur les montagnes, les pieds du messager qui annonce la paix, du messager de bonnes nouvelles qui annonce le salut, qui dit à Sion: 'Ton Dieu règne'. C'est la voit de tes guetteurs: ils élèvent la voix, ensemble ils poussent des cris de joie, car ils ont vu de leurs propres yeus le Seigneur qui revint. Ensemble poussez des cris, des cris de joie, ruines de Jerusalem! Car le seigneur a consolé son peuple, il l'a racheteé. Le Seigneur a découvert son bras de sainteté aux yeux de toutes les nations, et tous le confins de la terre ont vu le salut de notre Dieu".

* Isaiah 52,7-10: "How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of the messenger whoannounces peace, who brings good news, who announces salvation, who says to Zion, 'Your God reigns". Listen!. Your sentinels lift up their voices, together they sing for joy; for in plain sight they see the return of the Lord to Zion. Break forth together into singing, you ruins of Jerusalem; for the Lord has comforted his people, he has redeemed them. The Lord has bared his holy arm before the eyes of all nations; and all the ends of te earth shall see the salvation of our God".

* Having present all the situation of the libanese and israelite people in state of war. For how beautiful is the messenger who announces peace.

* About having dinner yesterday with the group of people I went to Taizé. I had a great time. It was a very simple gathering. The priest invited us to come over his place to have dinner. He prepared gazpacho and Mxxx brought a chesse fondue. Talking very simply about anecdotes of the previous week at Taizé.

* About the tenderness of Fxxx and Sxxx when they hugged me saying hello and goodbye. Feeling very much happy about having told them about being gay at Taizé. I guess they understood. About Rxxx, he understood too.

* Contemplating Mxxx, his tenderness too, his spontaneity with that group of people. He hasn't shared his whole reality with them yet. Praying for him. I guess it must be hard for him, just as it was for me a few years ago. Feeling quite identified with him. Wishing he may progress on that issue too.

* About laughting at all the politically incorrect comments of the priest. He is quite different to what I would have expected from the seminary in Madrid. He finished his PhD before feeling his vocation to serve God. He is mainly himself before enrolling the priesthood. I am very happy to see him very much himself after 7 years in seminary.

Thu 20060810

* Last week I went to Taizé (an ecumenical Christian community in France). I also went last year. It was not as deep or maybe emocional as last year (I also went last year).

* About the comments of a young woman in the seminary of the Methodist Church in New Jersey. Taking a good decision is so much about trust and believing on the action of God through others.

* Of how I enjoy meeting the people from Marco's parish. They are a group of five great people. I enjoyed very much to have met them.

* Of how the whole time was busy with activities. Maybe needing some more time on my own. I would have liked to have shared with Marco and also the rest of the people about our own experience there.

* Of how after Taizé my prayer went deeper but not as much when I was there.

* I don't know how Marco might have felt when I went there. In one of the discussions, I shared with three of the members of our group that I was gay and the process of normalizing my situation before God.

Thu 20060810

* Last week I went to Taizé (an ecumenical Christian community in France). I also went last year. It was not as deep or maybe emocional as last year (I also went last year).

* About the comments of a young woman in the seminary of the Methodist Church in New Jersey. Taking a good decision is so much about trust and believing on the action of God through others.

* Of how I enjoy meeting the people from Mxxx's parish. They are a group of five great people. I enjoyed very much to have met them.

* Of how the whole time was busy with activities. Maybe needing some more time on my own. I would have liked to have shared with Mxxx and also the rest of the people about our own experience there.

* Of how after Taizé my prayer went deeper but not as much when I was there.

* I don't know how Mxxx might have felt when I went there. In one of the discussions, I shared with three of the members of our group that I was gay and the process of normalizing my situation before God.

Mon 20060710

* About this past Sunday. I went to see Dxxx Rxxx, a friend from La Caixa scholarship program. He is almost the only one I'm still in contact with. Updating each other for a couple of hours. About the spontaneity of calling my brother and going to mass with him, his wife and the little Mxxx (my niece). Having lunch with them afterwards. About not doing many plans and letting plans come spontaneously. I had a great time yesterday.

* About going to the West park on Saturday with a group of friends. Listening to a band playing at the park. They played Joaquín Larregla's Jota. My grandmother taught me how to play it many years ago on the piano. Having a memory about my grandmother.

* About Sxxx and Exxx's wedding announcement on Saturday night. That's very beautiful. Praying for them, so that they may find the job they deserve.

* Exxx didn't pass the examination for the govement position. Thinking about them witht he second reading of this weekend mass: hard situations not to allow us to be proud but trust. Of the comments of Sxxx about getting closer to the apostasy. I hope this is just a temporary thought.

Thu 20060706

* Corinthians 12, 7-10: "In view of the extraordinary nature of these revelations, to stop me from getting too proud I was given a thorn in the flesh, an angel of Satan to beat me and stop me from getting too proud!. About this thing, I have pleaded with the Lord three times for it to leave me, but he has said, 'My grace is enough for you: my power is at its best in weakness'. So I shall be very happy to make my weaknesses my special boast so that the power of Christ may stay over me, and that is why I am quite content with my weaknesses, and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and the agonies I go through for Christ's sake. For it is when I am weak that I am strong".

* Sometimes it is too hard to admit this. However, my dearest Lord has shown me not to be proud, He has shown me my limits and I thank for having them. Let me take advantage of the things that do not seem to work according to my plans. They show me Your plans.

* About thinking about Axxx these days. This didn't happened to me since Gxxx.

Mon 20060703

* Last Sunday I went to mass with my parents. I usually don't go with them. However, yesterday Jxxx Mxxx Mxxx was there concelebrating. He is one of the missionaries in the Ivory Coast (at a little town called Tiébissou).

* When he read the gospel, he moved my heart. His reading was very simple but it was simply they way he read it that brought me so intense the presence of my dearest Lord.

* When giving the peace, my mother mentioned that we should go up to the altar to hug Jxxx Mxxx. However, it was not necessary: Jxxx Mxxx himself, descended from the altar to encounter us. About having a little chat with him after the mass. Showing him the photographs of the little Mxxx (my brother's just born baby).

* About the gay pride parade. Of how Axxx was holding the banner beside me. Of how I enjoyed his presence. I approached him from time to time touching him very gently. After gay pride, I cleared out some of my doubts about being interested in more than one person. I guess that there's only one now. Of how Jesús got enthusiastic about me (I'm not quite ready to give him what he needs).

* About the little email I sent to Axxx, inviting him to encounter Jxxx Mxxx Mxxx in the coming celebration we will have with him. I have no idea whether he would come. But the idea of inviting him was not quite mine.