Sobre orientación sexual y espiritualidad

Esta contribución contiene el testimonio de un lector de este cuaderno de bitácora sobre la experiencia de encuentro con Dios a través de la aceptación e integración de su orientación sexual. Se trata de un fichero de audio mp3 de 50.5 MB que se puede bajar copiando el enlace que se muestra a continuación:

Sobre orientación y espiritualidad:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RN3SW30L (en español, in Spanish)

Spiritual Sharing December 2007

Spiritual Sharing December 2007

Mon 20071203
* This was an work intensive weekend for CRISMHOM. Papers and procedures to change the social address of this association. Trying to help out Axxx for this is unbearable on a single person. About Ixxx accepting the vicepresidency and Oxxx the vocal position of CRISMHOM. I thank they are available and appreciate their support.
* I ate with my parents on Sunday. I left just after eating. I had forgotten some papers for my mother and I didn't finish the papers I had to do. Finally I finished preparing the papers and gave these papers to my mother.
* Too many activities this weekend. I could not see the little Axxx. He was very busy too. On Sunday evening he got back home.
* About the Advent celebration on Saturday evening. I was preparing it with Jxxx Lxxx the same day my mother was taken to the hospital for a choking crisis. It was beautiful. I liked what Jxxx Lxxx had prepared. I enjoyed what I prepared at the celebration. A collection of texts that will be read throughout the Advent season. I preapred it quickly and hadn't much opportunity to enjoy it. My joy came at the celebration. Those moving simple messages.
* About the prayer Axxx did for Cxxx in the celebration. Of how Axxx told me that it was the action of the Holy Spirit. I was trying to explain him how my dearest Lord is. How the Holy Spirit needs us to transmit the message of the Good News. Now, he is explaining me how the Holy Spirit acts through us. He's now found his own example. The example in which it was the Lord Himself who told Axxx who He is. Axxx listened and experienced the joy of our dearest Lord.
* About an email I wrote Axxx the following day when I was at mass. I thought I would be with him but he didn't attend. I wrote him about this canddle he had dedicated to Cxxx the previous day, inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Wed 20071205
* Asking people to write Christmas greetings for the Mission in Tiébissou and Bouaké in the Ivory Coast. About the hug Dxxx gave me the past Monday at the mass when giving the peace to each other. It was unexpected and the iniciative was not mine. It was Dxxx who offered me his hug of peace. About Exxx praying and remembering his son who passed away some years ago. She was the person who spoke the same day I spoke about sexual orientation and spirituality.
* About the email Dxxx wrote me from from San Francisco. Sharing some life experiences, dificulties, good things and a beautiful friendship.
* About the email I received from Axxx yesterday. It was the response of that I wrote him after the mass on Sunday. He acknowledged that the candle he had lit for Cxxx was not his own, but really inspired by the Holy Spirit. He's got his own example. I don't have to explain him how the Holy Spirit flows in favor of tolerance and love.
* About participating in this discussion table about reconciliating the homosexual reality with faith life and encountering process with the Lord.

Fri 20071207
Romans 15, 4-9:
"Everying that was written long ago in the scriptures was meant to teach us something about hope from the examples scripture gives of how people who did not give up were helped by God. And may he who helps us when we refuse to give up, help you all to be tolerant with each other, following the example of Christ Jesus , so that united in mind and voice you may give glory to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ".

Mon 20071210
* My parents and my aunt are under pressure. My grandmother is loosing her head and the relation of my aunt and her is not good. My aunt cannot live only for my grandmother and do what she wants at all times (that's what my grandmother wants probably without realizing). My parents eat with my them both every weekend (Saturday and Sunday). My niece is also coming during the weekend. My parents have a lot of load. I usually go one day for I also need some time for myself.
* My father suffered the same as my mother (the experience of choking and being unable to breath) this weekend.
* My dearest prayer for my aunt. May You inspire her the right action and word so that my grandmother realizes how much my aunt loves her. The right word so that my grandmother starts to value what she is doing for her. May You inspire me something to do or say or simply a moment to be present so that the situation can be smoothed.
* Thank you for being able to spend a whole afternoon and part of the evening at home. Studing german lying on bed. I could rest a lot. I thought I would fall asleep when studying german but I stayed well awake. However I could rest a lot.
* About the phone call I did to Axxx on Sunday evening. I went together with him and a friend of his the previous night. I liked being with them both. My heart was moved after that call. I told him about the situation at home, about a movie I wanted to recommend him that he had already seen: Sunday's light (a hard but good movie). There was an angel in that movie. One of those who do not return bad for bad. I felt identified with him.
* About Saturday evening spent with Axxx and Jxxx Lxxx. Jxxx Lxxx called me Saturday morning to organize something with Axxx so that he would not be alone. At first Axxx refused the plan for he had a lot to do. After two hours, he called me again to tell me that he was willing to come. We went and had a good time. My prayer for Axxx he is moving forward.
* About seeing the movie Sunday's light with my aunt on Sunday afternoon. She needed some time off. She enjoyed the movie and my company. We walked together a little after the movie.

Mon 20071217
* My parents are not from a health point of view in their best moment. There is a lot of noise now: my brother's wife is about to have a baby tomorrow, my brother is studying in the evenings in the university, my grandmother needs a lot of attention now. My parents take care of their grandchild and my grandmother during the weekends. I also try to help out but maybe it is still not enough.
* Last Thrusday I participated in a devate about homosexuality and religion. It was a good experience.
* About the comment Axxx did at the very end of out meeting at CRISMHOM. He mentioned that after the devate about homosexuality and religion. He had felt him very close to You, my dearest Lord.
* About spending the evening with Axxx on Sunday. We had a good time. Getting to now each other.

20071218
* Thank you, my dearest Lord for today Pablo is born among us. The little Pablo is well and so is his mother. This is to give many thanks. All the worries in August about the problems of pregnancy seem hopefully to be over now.
* May the God-with-us be among us these days and all the days of the year.
* Yesterday, I could hear my grandmother shouting to my aunt through the phone. I guess my aunt is used to this but I was not. May prayer for them both, especially for my aunt. May she find the most appropriate word and gesture to make my grandmother happy and peaceful.

Mon 20071231
* Weekend full of activities. About buying presents for everyone.
* It seems to me (I wish I were wrong) that Axxx would not call me during the three weeks of Christmas time. We are all busy, working during Christmas, spending time with the family. I bought for his birthday a little printed carving, now that he's decorating his sitting room. Let me be patient as he has been patient with me. May my dearest Lord be close and inspiring the appropriate gesture and word (at least on my side).
* About the breakfast with Dxxx on Sunday morning. I'm very happy to have seen him once more. About the mass with Axxx just after being with him.
* About Mxxx Lxxx inviting a group of us to her birthday celebration. I'm very happy for her for she has found a girlfriend.

Numbers 6, 22-27
"The Lord spoke to Moses and said, "say this to Aaron and his sons: This is how you are to bless the sons of Israel. You shall say to them:

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord let his face shine on you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord uncover his face to you and bring you peace.

This is how they are to call down my name on the sons of Israel and I will bless them".

SpiritualSharing November 2007

Spiritual Sharing November 2007

Thu 20071101
* The experience in Holy Land is not as intensive or emocional as maybe I was expecting. I feel myself tired. Maybe, a need some more sleep to be ready to enjoy. This is not quite a touristic trip. I feel that I need more sleep to recover. Perhaps too many activities, too many places. That's fine.
* About the comments of Mxxx today when visiting the place where Jesus said to Peter that we would be the head. About those three times in which Jesus asks Peter whether he loved Him. Jesus asks the first two times with the word "agape" which means inconditional love. The love that gives everything, the whole person. Peter responds positively with the word "filia" which is the love of a friend. The third time, Jesus asks witht he word "filia" and Peter responds afirmatively with the same word. Perhaps this is the most Peter can give Jesus: the love of a friend (he had previously denied Jesus three times). Jesus asks with the same word used by Peter so that he can respond positively.
* About the postcard I sent to Axxx. He is in the midst of the passion. Difficulties, lack of sence, problems with his partner, lack of understanding, lack of being understood, lack of being respected in one's own rythms. I thought of Axxx when we visited the Mountain where the Beatitudes where proclaimed. Of how Jesus says that the more we are poor or we suffer or we lack of food or we are in difficulties, the closer we are to Him. This is so hard to see within the passion, the suffering periods. I was myself imbedded in a similar situation six months ago and it was so hard (my situation is still a lot weaker than his). I thank my dearest Lord to be with me in those moments even if I could not realize of His presence. I pray especially for Axxx today, so that he can realize of Your presence, my dearest Lord.
* About the answer of my little Axxx. He is willing to kiss me again. Willing to know how I feel during this trip, sharing experiences.

Fri 20071102
* About reading the book of Ruth. Of how emocional I became this morning reading it. It is a very short book (hardly four pages), such a beautiful story. I'm not supposed to be enjoying this reading when visiting the Holy Land. I should be marvelled at those texts about the life of Jesus. However, this is what my dearest Lord is giving me: dryness and coldness when looking at the Holy places and warmth when reading the story of Ruth.
* My dear prayer for Jxxx Bxxx and especially for his wife. He lost a 30-year-old son a few months ago. His wife is devastated. However, he is rather fine. He told me that whenever he thinks about his son, he feels like weeping but he's been able to come to this trip and be very normal and follow the dynamics of the whole group. He's strong and fortunately he is not devastated. I gave him a recording of the talk Exxx Hxxx and I gave two years ago about the experience of encountering the Lord. Exxx shared her experience of encountering the Lord through the acceptance of the death of her husband and a few months later his 30-year-old son. She was indeed devastated and shared her experience of encountering the Lord through this situation. My talk was about the experience of encounering the Lord thought the acceptance and integration of my sexual orientation.
* He is now listening to my talk. I'm here in a little corner of a hotel, praying for Jxxx, so that my dearest Lord gives strength to his wife and to him. So that they may encounter the Lord through this horrible situation. I remember some of the things in my talk that might help them. About that hard but wonderful message of the prophet Isaiah: "my ways are not your ways". About starting to think that what I think is best, is not necessarily the best. That my dearest Lord might have other plans different from mine. May Your will be done, Your paths accomplished, for You are our dearest Lord and You take care of us.

Ruth 1,11-18:
Naomi said, "Return home, my daughters. Why should you come with me, when I have no more sons to become your husbands? Return home, my daughters. I am now too old to marry again. Even if I hope to have a husband tonight and give birth to sons, would you remain unmarried waiting for them to grow up? No, my daughters. I won't share my lot with you, for it is too bitter. Yahweh's hand has been raised against me!"

Again they sobbed and wept. Then Orpha kissed her mother-in-law goodbye, but Ruth clung to her. Naomi said, "Look, your sister-in-law returns to her people and her gods. You too must return. Go after her."

Ruth replied, "Don't aske me to leave you. For I will go where you go and stay where you stay. Your people will be my people and your god, my God. Where you die, there will I die and be buried. May Yahweh deal with me severely if anything except death separates us." Realizing that Ruth was determined to go with her, Naomi stopped urging at her.

Thu 20071108
* My most tender prayer for Cxxx. This is my last prayer for her. She doesn't need it any more. May we know the shortness of our life that we may gain wisdom of heart. She's got already such a wise heart. She was ready, she knew the shortness of her life and gained so much wisdom of heart. She is now with the wisest, she does not need any more to worry about the shortness of her life, for she has achieved to receive the true wisdom of heart. Thank you very much, Cxxx, for you taught me to know the shortness of my life and so, gain wisdom of heart. Now, my prayer is for the whole family, especially for Axxx. May the presence of my dearest Lord be with them all, so that they achieve Your comfort and consolation.

In manos tuas Pater
comendo spiritus meum.
(In Your hands, I give out my spirit)

Jesus, remember me,
when you come into your kingdom.

Confitemini, Dominum, quoniam bonum.
Confitemini, Dominum, Aleluya.
(Trust the Lord, for He is good)

Ved de cuán poco valor
son las cosas tras que andamos
y corremos,
que en este mundo traidor
aun primero que muramos
las perdemos:
de ellas deshace la edad,
de ellas casos desastrados
que acaecen,
de ellas, por su calidad,
en los más altos estados
desfallecen.

Coplas a la muerte de mi padre
Jorge Manrique

See of how little value
are the things towards we walk and run,
which in this cruel world
still before we die,
we loose:
for them our years undone,
for them disastrous situations
which happen,
for them, for their quality,
from the highest states
they surrender.

Mon 20071112
* Thank you my dearest Lord for this weekend. Too many things done but they were worth.
* About helping out Jxxx with the cleaning ot the attic. That was quite a lot of work. However, we could finish and now things are getting so much better.
* About the meeting on Friday night with the people from CRISMHOM to prepare the last details of the talk about Homosexuality and Christianism in the Christian Network general Assembly. I had met Axxx to have dinner and go to see a movie. I changed plans to attend the meeting. He was disappointed but didn't say much. I asked and he told me. He accepted it. It was only dinner in the end. About the simple comment from his grandmother: "hay más días que longaniza" (there are many days). He talked to me about patience with this little proberb. I listened to him, for he spoke with authority: he is being patient.
* About calling Alxx to go to the celebration liturgy at the Christian Network. At first he told me that it was late (I called him to late) and we would not have enough time. However, in the end he called me back and we went. We were late but not too much. He got out of home and we were all pleased to see each other at the celebration.
* Thank you very much for the afternoon with Axxx. I cooked for him and invited him to come home. About the little prayer we did together in front of the piano. Maybe he didn't interpret it as a prayer but for me it was.
* About calling my aunt on Sunday night. I haven't seen them this weekened. I have been perhaps too busy. However I called them. It was a good idea. We talked for a bit and I guess that being in contact is helping my aunt deal with my grandmother.

Tue 20071113
* Yesterday I sent a message to Axxx with my last prayer for Cxxx. It was emotional to read it again. May this prayer or some other start to move Axxx. May he discover who You are.
* My prayer for Axxx. May he continue in Your presence. May he realize that You are there. He is alone. May I put the subtle company of a friend around him.
* I visited Jxxx Lxxx yesterday. He is worried for Axxx. I was moved by his compassion and pity for Axxx. He talked to him on the phone. I could see how released he felt after the phone conversation.

Wed 20071114
* If I had to summarize the encountering moments during my pilgrimage to the Holy Land, they are not so much related with the Holy places themselves.
* About Jxxx, my room mate during the Holy Land trip. He has lost his older son three months ago. He was working in a construction, a deposit fell on top of him and he died. He told me that he felt very sad whenever he thought of his son. However, he was sure that he was with the Most High and could not be any better. His wife was devastated. She could not get out of home. Jxxx, however, was fine. It was possible to talk to him, he laughted and enjoyed the presence of the other people from the trip. He had found a deep peace somehow.
* I thank my dearest Lord, for what was happening to Jxxx is the work of Your hands. It is wonderful to contemplate it. How such a difficult situation can be full of the peace of your presence? Jxxx let your presence be with him. He said that he was not doing anything especial, no effort to let You get into his life. But You were there. He was very thankful too. He had been for years a little distant from the jesuit community. However, now the support from this community was very important.
* Another couple had also lost a son. This last one committed suicide. Of how harder this situation is. Jxxx told me about this situation. He considered himself fortunate because he could find himself peaceful. He had no doubt that his son was with the Most High. However, this other couple found it a lot more difficult to be peaceful. "What did we do wrong?" they were asking themselves.
* About a whole family coming to the Holy Land trip. The parents, two daughter and a son, the boyfriend of one of the daughters, the husband of the other. The father is got cancer. It was beautiful to contemplate the beauty of this whole family taking the opportunity to do this trip together.
* About the comment Jxxx Lxxx told me: "the people are those who move us". Not so much the Holy places or intelectual thoughts. They Holy places I visited in Israel didn't move me by far as much as getting in contact with these people, with their situtation in life, with their joys and difficulties.

Mon 20071119
* This was an intense weekend. My brother was very happy because he finished ordering his house. I helped him the whole Saturday morning. It's been a process that lasted for two years. Now it is almost complete.
* About the CRISMHOM meeting on Saturday. The leader of the meeting was late and I led instead. It was very moving for me. It was about the Pentecost reading, when the Holy Spirit was given to the disciples. I asked a little more detail to our priest who was there. He answered something that I had heard before from him. However, I realized of how important and deep it was on that meeting. People started to share after him. I was encouraging everyone to share, especially those who were new. About the comment of Exxx. It was very simple but probably the deepest (he was giving out a piece of his heart) that I have ever heard from him. Another person sharing about his dark night after a car accident where other people had died for this person's not very conciencious driving. Of how he recovered. Jxxx was also moved. He was asking for forgiveness to some people. He reminded us that our group was created the day before Pentecost. He was thinking of us a lot when he was preparing the meeting.
* After the meeting we went to have dinner. I was really tired. However, I went for a little drink after dinner. I enjoyed that moment. I found Jxxx at that place who was bringins us a christian to join us.
* About going to mass with Axxx. We both enjoyed the mass. It was about the Church as our Mother and the Church being every single one of us being a loving mother. We went for a drink after the mass. His crisis continues but we didn't speak about it. We shared some moving films that we saw at the gay festival. Moving films. Perhaps not always very politically correct but full of human feelings, loving situations, sometimes so extremelly dificult. We also talked about receiving the Holy Spirit. I shared some experiences I have had or heard about. I hope this is the best I can do for Axxx. Thank you my dearest Lord for You were so present.
* I went to have lunch with my family on Sunday. My mother gave me as a present the book that Cxxx and Txxx have been using to pray: "Show me your face" from Carlos García Vallés. About a little conversation I had with my mother when I asked her about how Txxx was (his husband passed suddenly away a few weeks ago). She is having a hard time but now she can pray. She uses the book my mother gave me all the time. My mother told me about the love Pxxx (the husband of one of Txxx's daughters) had for her and her husband and how he expressed that in a spiritual retreat.

Mon 20071119
* About going to the meeting at my jesuit community. At the end I found Pxxx (the husband of one of Txxx's daughters). We exchanged emails and phone numbers. I told him about the writing of the recently passed away Cxxx ("The experience of an illness") and send it to him that night.

Wed 20071121
* I was sick on Tuesday. I ate something that went wrong. I was so cold that night. I had to put more blankets. By three in the morning I vomited the dinner and started to feel better. I could not go to work the following day. I sent a message to my boss at work to tell him I was not going. He answered back telling me to recover, take a rest and not to come to work in the afternoon. I thanked this message.
* About the phone call from Exxx. He had read the notes I sent him about the spiritual exercises of the past May, at the hardest moment of my crisis at work that I suffered with him. This was a few days before he left the bank because he could not stand the situation any longer. He was willing to answer my email but did not find time to stop and write. However, he called me to ask and share his own views about this particular way to see life.

Fri 20071123
* This coming Sunday is the last day of the liturgic year: "Jesus, King of the Universe". I was reading the gospel for Sunday. It is the text where Jesus is crucified. About my dearest King of the Universe. His most glorious moment is precisely that in which He is the most given; the moment in which He is crucified. The throne is the cross. His staff is the weapon used to trespass his heart. My dearest Lord, this is so out of human nature.
* "The Lord will reign for ever and will give his people the gift of peace".
* Thank you for the celebration of Thanksgiving day yesterday night. It was beautiful. It's always been. Many reasons to give thanks for. I thought it was next week. I had to hurry up but I could cope with it. It was nice the presence of Pxxx and Rxxx. I was moved by Lxxx Bxxx and Pxxx.

Fri 20071130
* Last Monday my mum suffered a choking attact after the mass at my jesuit community. I went with dad to the hospital. After a few hours my mother was well again. Too many activities, emocions, permanent coughing. I don't know. The doctors haven't reached yet a conclusion. My dad was very worried. He thought that he was about to loose mum. A warning perhaps. Let me not take the important things for granted. May we still know the shortness of our life that we may gain wisdom of heart.

* About the message I sent to Axxx. I sent him a little poem dedicated to the child Jesus. This time I was thinking of Axxx. I was very moved when I wrote this message.

Ver llorar a la alegría,
ver tan pobre a la riqueza,
ver tan baja a la grandeza
y ver que Dios lo quería.
¡Gran merced fue en aquel día
la que el hombre recibió.
¡Quién lo viera y fuera yo!

See the happiness crying,
see the richness so poor,
see the greatness to low
and see how The Lord loved him.
Great gift it was that day
what man received!
Who could it see that and it be I!

Spiritual Sharing October 2007

Spiritual Sharing October 2007

Mon 20071001
* My prayer for Cxxx. May my dearest Lord be with her and her family.
* Thank you very much for this weekend. I had a very good time. I felt your presence very near.
* Contemplating the scene when Fxxx asked me about the reading she had to read in her friend's weddding. She didn't understand the reading and asked me about it. This reading greatly moves my heart. I explained to her in a very spontaneous way. This is the story of Rut, of how she would not leave alone another woman, after her husband and sons died. "I will be buried wherever you would be buried", "I won't leave you alone".
* About the general assembly at CRISMHOM. Most of the people were there. It was worth though tiring. After four hours and a half, I was indeed tired and not willing to do much. Still, this meeting was the reason why I did not go to Loyola in my jesuit group pilgrimage. I could not attend Sxxx's birthday that very night (too many activities).
* About Exxx's party celebrating his doctoral thesis. Nice atmosphere, good people, both from the bank and other friends from Exxx's infance in his village. I liked very much the little comment Lxxx told me. He is from Senegal and he left the country when he was 16 to study in France. So did his wife (also from Senegal). He told me that he missed his country, the atmosphere, the people, his parents, the rest of his family (most of his brothers are in France). He was thinking of perhaps returning some time ... This comment moved me.
* About the conversation with Pxxx about messages to be delivered through music or other means. Should they be received by others? If noone received it, does it mean that the original message is not deep or worthwhile? I was thinking that a moving message should always be received by someone. Pxxx thought that it may not be received, and that would not invalidate the message. Maybe he was right. I was thinking, perhaps, more on those messages of my dearest Lord. If they come from my dearest, they always get their destination.
* I stayed till seven in the morning with all this people. I had a great time. It's been a long time since I haven't done this. It was worth, I had a great time.
* About getting up the following morning at 11 (I slept only four hours). I woke up and did not want to waste the rest of the day. I had a coffe and went to mass. I found Axxx there. I enjoyed sharing the mass with him. He told me about a group of singers, friends of him who were singing at a jazz club that evening. He was not sure whether he was going. I told him that I would go with him. We had again a great time.
* I went to see Sxxx after the mass to give her a little detail I had bought for her birthday. She invited me the previous night but with all the activities and Exxx's party, I could not go. She didn't mind. I had a coffee with her. She has good plans for this year. Things getting organized. I was happy to hear all that.
* I spent the rest of the afternoon having lunch with my grandmother, my aunt and my father. I had a little nap after lunch but I could not sleep. About my thoughts during that nap. The presence of my dearest Lord was there. I enjoyed it. Contemplating some moments of the previous night.
* About the concert at Clamores on Sunday night. Talking to Axxx. We ran accross Jxxx too. It was great to listen to that group of five voices orchestrating everything with their voices.

Thu 20071011
* Thank you very much for the past weekend in Barcelona visiting Exxx. I sent to him the notes I took when doing my last spiritual exercises. Feeling that my friendship to him is increasing. After working with him for a couple of years and having a hard time with him, it seems that we are building on top of that solidly. Also enjoying the presence of Mxxx and the visit to Axxx in Reus. Willing him all the best for the examination to be part of the diplomatic group.

Mon 20071015
* About sleeping properly, the last couple of days. I needed it.
* My prayer for Txxx and the whole family. Also for the family of Lxxx Oxxx Bxxx. They passed away a week and a half ago. Txxx was devastated. It happened unexpectedly from one day to the following. May my dearest Lord be with the families.
* About the meal with my little Axxx. I was doubting whether I was getting progressively closer to him. There was another person who appealed me but I was not sure whether he was gay. This week I'm thinking more about Axxx. Let me progressively get clarity about my feelings.
* My prayer for my aunt. She is taking care of my grandmother who is getting worse little by little. Living with my grandmother is very hard. She is demanding all the time the attention of my aunt. She does not quite allow her to sleep. My grandmother does not realize, but my aunt is getting to the limit anyone may stand. My family is trying to help out.

Thu 20071018
* My prayer for the family and friends of Lxxx. I was in his funeral yesterday evening. It was very moving. Sitting beside Jxxx (a friend from the university).

* Timothy 3, 14; 4, 2:
All scripture is inspired by God and can profitably be used for teaching, for refuting error, for guiding people's lives and teaching them to be holy.

Before God and before Christ Jesus who is to be judge of the living and the dead, I put this duty to you, in the name of his Appearing and of his kingdom: proclaim the message and welcome or unwelcome, insist on it. Refute falsehool, correct error, call to obedience (but do all with patience and with the intention of teaching).
* Thinking of Jxxx Lxxx telling me the other day that he is discerning whether to leave CRISMHOM. He is discerning well, allowing You to speak. Contemplating the calling of Jxxx Lxxx to be with us a couple of years ago: "Before God and before Christ Jesus, I put this duty to you, in the name of his Appearing and of his kingdom". May the will of my dearest Lord be done, His paths accomplished. Whatever You want, whenever You want, if ever You want.

Fri 20071019
* My prayer for Txxx, for the whole family. Yesterday I went to the funeral of Lxxx Cxxx. May you be with them. I saw Txxx a lot better than in the tanatory. She could speak to us, giving thanks and asking for help from above. May that help of her very loved ones decend upon her and the rest of the family through You Holy Spirit. May we all be Your messengers.

Mon 20071022
* So many activities during this weekend. Thank you for your presence. My dearest prayer for Txxx and the whole family. "I went to a funeral this past Thursday. The husband of that woman, good friend of my mother, who I once kissed (a kiss from my dearest Lord) during a retreat, has passsed away. This couple that I contemplated walking together peacefully with their hands joined. He went to bed with her and the following morning you had already called and joined him". May all the peace and strength of my dearest Lord, be given to Txxx and this whole family, though all of us and the power of You Holy Spirit.
* Thank you for the life review last Saturday at CRISMHOM. New people, nice people, getting to know each other, sharing life and faith. Going to dance (for the first time in two years after a CRISMHOM meeting). Having a great time with them. About coming across Fxxx at the gay pub where we were dancing. She is a member of my group at work. I had lunch with her on Friday. I didn't mind coming across her. Now, she most likely can imagine that I'm gay. Maybe she will tell other people, maybe not. I don't mind. I'm now ready to let other people now. I don't mind they may find out.
* About the afternoon I spent with my little Axxx. I introduced him to my little girls. I think they liked each other. Thank you for the meal, and the coffe. We went to a square and let the sun heat us up. A wonderful day. He showed me his house. We hugged and kissed each other.
* About joining in Jxxx Hxxx's house in Sevilla la Nueva. I like seeing the people, enjoying Jxxx's little baby girl. Thank you for their hospitality.

Tue 20071023
* My prayer for Exxx, so that she can cope living and encouraging my grandmother.
* I enjoyed the meeting at my jesuit group. I was very tired. It was about developing the imagination as a means of encountering the Lord. I was closing my eyes quite often. Bringing back some images of my little Axxx when we hugged each other. I liked the mass. Praying for the families of Txxx and Lxxx Oxxx. I went to the funerals last week. The daughter of Lxxx was there. Giving thanks for all the missionaries around the world. Especially for Jxxx Mxxx in Tiébissou.
* About thinking of proposing my little Axxx to come along with me to mass to the parish of Pxxx in "El Pozo del Huevo" (a very conflictive neighbourhood in Madrid). He does not go to mass but I would like him to come with me.
* About Pxxx speaking yesterday about keeping wealth, disputing with others because of money, having all that we need to live without my dearest Lord. How can I live without my dearest? Pxxx was getting almost angry from time to time talking about this. I wonder sometimes why. Perhaps it is because he has seen so much misery in so many different places. Yes, that might be the reason.

Mon 20071029
* My prayer for Axxx. I didn't know he was in the middle of such an existencial crisis. He needs a friend. May You be his friend, my dearest Lord. May he allow You to be his friend. Indeed he is allowing You. He finds comfort and answers when going to mass. May I be his friend. Let me take some care on him. Simple calls, simple messages. Some company when going together to mass. May my dearest Lord be with him. May he know, may he realize.

Recuerde el alma dormida,
avive el seso y despierte
contemplando
cómo se pasa la vida,
cómo se viene la muerte
tan callando;
cuán presto se va el placer,
cómo ;después de acordado (vuelto en sí)
da dolor,
cómo a nuestro parecer
cualquiera tiempo pasado fue mejor.

* This reading brings my father to my mind. He is 70 and I think he starts to realize that the end is not so far. I don't want him to think too much about this. However, I want to think and feel about this. Maybe because I still see it far, but I want to realize about the teachings of the end of life.

May we know the shortness of my life,
that we may gain wisdom of heart.

"cuán presto se va el placer, cómo después de acordado (vuelto en sí), da dolor".

"how fast the pleasure disappears!, how once back to our mind, gives us pain!"
* Let me find pleasure that does not disappear. The pleasure that back to my own mind is still a great pleasure.

Tue 20071030
* Departing to the Holy Land. Good impressions. Nice people.
* I saw Axxx pretty bad on Sunday. He's really discouraged. He's lost the charm of life. His partner is not helping him much. Feeling compassion and worry for him. I told him about my little Axxx and he told me about his state. He shared very intimate things with me. I felt very empathic. When saying goodbye, I hugged him tightly. Today I sent him an SMS message. I'll pray for him these days. May my dearest Lord be with him. May I convey Your presence to him.
* Thanks very much for Pxxx is fine. She went to the hospital last week. A potential problem during her pregnancy. Nothing serious but she must take care of herself.
* Meeting my little Axxx once more on Sunday. I feel very welll with him. It's been already a couple of weeks since I haven't called anyone else. Feeling comfortable with him. Feeling like hugging and touching him. I sent a message to him this morning and he answered back. He is happy and peaceful. He is respecting my own rythms. He's not forcing anything. I progressively start to think of him more and more often.
* My parents brought me this morning to the meeting point for the Holy Land journey.

Ved de cuán poco valor
son las cosas tras que andamos
y corremos,
que en este mundo traidor
aun primero que muramos
las perdemos:
de ellas deshace la edad,
de ellas casos desastrados
que acaecen,
de ellas, por su calidad,
en los más altos estados
desfallecen.

See of how little value
are the things towards we walk
and run,
which in this cruel world
still before we die,we loose.