Spiritual Sharing August 2005

Tue 20050823

* Jeremiah 20, 7-9

"You have seduced me, Lord, and I have let myselft be seduced; you have overpowered me: you were the stronger. I am a daily laughing-stock,

everybody's butt. Each time I speak the work, I have to howl and proclaim: 'Vilolence and ruin!'. The word of the Lord has meant for me insult, derision, all day long. I used to say, 'I will not think about him, I will not speak in his name any more'. Then there seemed to be a fire burnin in my heart, imprisoned in my bones. The effort to restrain it wearied me, I could not bear it".

* About how I thought of Jxxx when reading this text. For he feels that fire and at the same time that dificulty to share and proclaim what he has received. For I feel the same too. Thank you, my Lord, You seduced me. I give thanks for I let myself be seduced.

Mon 20050822

* My prayer for Mxxx Axxx's wife. For life is hard sometimes for some people. Let me appreciate what I have for it's a lot.

* Matthew 16, 13-20

"When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi he put this question to his disciples: 'Who do people say the Son of Man is?'. And they said: 'Some say he is John the Baptist, some Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets'. 'But you', he said, 'who do you say I am?'. Then Simon Peter spoke up, 'you are the Christ', he said, 'the Son of the living God'. Jesus replied, 'Simon son of Jonah, you are a happy man!. Because it was no flesh and blood that revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven".

* I thank my Lord so much for those thoughts and feelings that I positively know do not come from others or myself but they come from my dearest Lord. They are not mine. I don't take ownership on them. I simply thank for them.

Fri 20050819

* About the murder of brother Roger, the prior of the ecumenical community of Taizé (France). He was about 90. A woman out of her mind killed him.

* My prayer for the whole community which is trying to recompose and accept what has happened. For brother Roger for he is already in the presence of his beloved. For the woman, for this nonsence is difficult to be explained.

* Of how a priest friend of mine is affected by this. He was very close to Roger. Of how I feel to take a week of vacations and go there (I have never been to Taizé). I don't know if I will manage to do it.

* I went to a mass on Wednesday celebrated by this priest friend of mine and a Taizé inspired prayer on Thursday.

* Isaiah 55, 6-9

" Seek the Lord while he is still to be found,
call to him while he is still near.
Let the wicked man abandon his way,
the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn back to the Lord who will take pity on him,
to our God who is rich in forgiving;

for my thoughts are not your thoughts,
my ways not your ways (it is the Lord who speaks).
Yes, the heavens are as high above earth
as my ways are above your ways,
my thoughts above your thoughts".

* My dearest Lord, thank you because your ways are not ours and yours so much higher. Let me not need to understand, let me just trust.

Wed 20050817

* Psam 137:

"I thank you, Lord, with all my heart,
you have heard the words of my mouth.
Before the angels I will bless you.
I will adore before your holy temple.
I thank you for your faithfulness and love
which excel all we ever knew of you.
On the day I called, you answered;
you increased the strength of my soul.
The Lord is high yet he looks on the lowly
and the haughty he knows from afar.
Your love, O Lord, is eternal,
discard not the work of your hands".

* Thank you, my dearest Lord, for you hear the words of my mouth. They say "May thy will be done, your paths accomplished, for I trust my Lord". Thank you, for your answer is not what I have to do, but your support which increases the strength of my soul.

Sun 20050814

* Matthew 15,21-28

"Then out came a Canaanite woman from that district and started shouting, 'Sir, Son of David, take pity on me. My daughter is tormented by a devil'. But he answered her not a word. And his disciples went and pleaded with him, 'give her what she wants for she is shouting after us'. He said in reply, 'I was sent only to the lost sheep of the House of Israel'. But the woman had come up and was kneeling at his feet.'Lord' she said 'help me'. He replied,; 'It is not fair to take the children'a food and throw itto the house-dogs'. She retorted, 'Ah yes, dir; but even house-dogs can eat the scraps that fall freom thir master's table'. Then Jesus answered her, 'Woman, you have great faith. Let your wish be granted'. And from that moment her daughter was well again".

* About those moments in which the most loved one says that he or she is only for others but I. About those moments in which the most loved one tells us that it is not fair to take the food of the sons to give it to the dogs. Of how it feels to be considered like a dog by the most loved one. But still that woman continued trusting. She was not asking for herself but for her daughter. Of how she does not mind being called a dog or a beach by the most loved one. There's someone more important than her (her daughter). Of how Jesus is admired of her.

* Let me not avoid the pain of being ignored. For you are with me and the unbearable pain gets tender when you are present. Of how this pain nurtures my authentic feelings and motivation. Let me feel the pain but be with me. Nobody said that your presence was easy, or comfortable or painless. Humiliate me for you know how to do it with love. Make me humble, for You know how to do it with love.

Thu 20050811

* Psalm 66,2-3

"O God, be gracious and bless us
and let your face shed its light upon us.
So will your ways be known upon earth
and all nations learn your saving help".

Maybe this is the reason why I share these notes. so Your ways be known upon earth. Most of what I write does not belong to me but You inspired it. I give it out for I want all nations learn about Your saving help. For the biggest gift I have ever received is to get to know You and have intimacy with You. I want your face shed its light upon everyone.

Tue 20050809

* Llama de amor viva
¡Oh llama de amor viva
que tiernamente hieres
de mi alma en el más profundo centro!
Pues ya no eres esquiva,
acaba ya si quieres,
rompe la tela deste dulce encuentro.

¡Oh cauterio suave!
¡Oh regalada llaga!
¡Oh mano blanca! ¡Oh toque delicado,
que a vida eterna sabe,
y toda deuda paga!

Matando muerte en vida la has trocado.
!Oh lámpara de fuego
en cuyos resplandores
las profundas cavernas del sentido,
que estaba obscuro y ciego,
con extraños primores
calor y luz dan junto a su querido!.
¡Cuán manso y amoroso
recuerdas en mi seno,
donde secretamente solo moras!:
y en tu aspirar sabroso
de bien y gloria lleno
¡cuán delicadamente me enamoras!.

San Juan de la Cruz

Sun 20050807 (continuation)

* My dearest Lord, about going up the village to have reception in my cellphone and talk to Jorge. May thy will be done, your paths accomplished. For I trust my Lord, for I just hope to listen to Him as Eva was doing a few days ago. Let me know your will as that gentle breeze. Show me your presence as you did with those disciples in the middle of the storm when you appeared walking on the sea. Give me your hand for I sink. May you let Jorge know about your will too.

* Psalm 84,9. "I will hear what the Lord God has to say, | a voice that speaks of peace. | His help is near for those who fear him | and his glory will dwell in our land". My dearest Lord, I want to hear what You have to tell me. Let me listen, You speak.

Sun 20050807

* Yesterday, it was the feast of Robledillo. They had a little orchestra playing for all. People dancing and drinking. Little kids, parents, teenagers, grandmothers, old people, strangers like me (though I think I don't feel a stranger any more). All together late at night. I joined for a little while a "peña" (groups of friends that join together at these events). I knew a couple of people there and they invited me to come up for a little drink. I felt very comfortable. We went to dance later and I could see and talk to some old, some young, some kids, altogether in the same place.

* About the farewell of the priest of this little village. In the middle of the mass I didn't know anything but I saw how he occasionally stopped for a little while and continued as if nothing was happening. Of how he gave the peace to every single one at the mass. Of how I started to understand. Those stops were trying to hide his emotions. Of how people clapped at him. About those hidden tears I could see on some of those I know at the end of the mass. No comments, gentle silence. People getting out of the church. Some going to the sacristy for I guess a last farewell.

* About Mxxx showing me her house and inviting me to go for a drink we could not have because the bar was closed.

Sat 20050806

* I felt in connection with Exxx the whole day. My heart got moved several times when working. I continue praying for her.

* About reencountering Jxxx Mxxx Zxxx yesterday in the open air opera. We met 13 years ago in that summer I spent in the prison of Seville (1992). He was in the seminary at that time. He is a friend of one of the people from the opera lovers group. When we met I didn't even know that I was gay. After 13 years, I find out that he is gay too.

Fri 20050805

* Exxx is a member of the welcome group. She was feeling a little down lately. She told me yesterday that she was going to Calcuta, to work with the missionaries during her vacation month. Of how she knew that she had to do that. During a mass, in which the priest was not particularly inspired. It doesn't matter, you talk to us mysteriously in any moment. I pray today for her, for she is searching, searching hard with generosity. For she was listening, for she reveals me once more how You are. Thank you for being like this, my dearest Lord. Thank you for her, for anyone who searches, finds. May she find what she is looking for. May she encounter You.

Tue 20050802

* Kings 19,9 and 11,13: "Elijah went into the cave and spent the night in it. Then he was told, 'Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord'. Then the Lord himself went by. There came a mighty wind, so strong it tore the mountains and shattered the rocks before the Lord. But the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind came an earthquake. But the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire. But the Lord was not in the fire. And afer the fire came the sound of a gentle breeze. And when Elijah heard this, he covered his face with his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave"

* Thank you my dearest Lord, for you manifest yourself like a gentle breeze. For you don't like earthquakes or fires or mighty winds but the peace and serenity of a gentle breeze. For your touch is gentle and soft. I cannot fear your presence but simply thank for it. Thank you, my dearest Lord, thank you so much for You chose to be like this.

Mon 20050801

* About taking time to consolidate relationships. May you be with us. Neither of us needs a relationship. We only need You and your presence. I don't want a relationship where you are not in the middle.

* About the multiplication of the loaves. You only ask me what I have (maybe only 5 loaves and 2 fish). Let me give what I have, even if it is little. Once I have given it, You take care of it. The multiplication is your duty and you certainly will do it.

Fri 20050729. Romans 8,35, 37-39

"Nothing can come between us and he love of Christ, even if we are troubled or worried, or being persecuted, or lacking food or clothes, or being threatened or even attacked. These are the trials through which we triumph, by the power of him who loved us.

For I am certain of this: neither death nor life, no angel, no prince, nothing that exists, nothing still to come, not any power, or height or depth, not any created thing, can ever come between us and the love of God made visible in Christ Jesus our Lord"

* These are the trials through which we triumph, by the power of him who loved us. My dearest Lord, our triumph over trials is all about the power of him who loved us. Thank you for your love and presence. My getting over this New York week was mainly about the power and sympathy of my Lord who so much loves us. Thank you, for nothing will ever be able to be between Your love and us.

Thu 20050728

* Thank you, my dearest Lord, for You wanted me to go through the passion during the week in New York. I was not alone, you were with me in every moment. I don't know what would have happened if you had not been there. But you were there. I felt the pain and my heart was hurt but you were there. You transformed that senceless pain in a pain that rebuilds. My heart was hurt but that allowed me to receive and receive Your inmense love. Thanks, my Lord, for being there. Thank you very much. Thank you, so much. I can only say, may Your will be done. I chose your plans for they are the best though I could not understand at that time. Let me trust You, my Lord, for You are my good shepherd.

Wed 20040727

* Psalm 118

"Lord, how I love your law!
My part, I have resolved, O Lord,
is to obey your word
The law from your mouth means more to me
Than silver and gold
Let you love be ready to sonsole me
by your promise to your servant.
Let your love come to me and I shall live
for your law is my delight
That is why I love your commands
more than finest gold.
That is why I rule my life by your precepts:
I hate false ways.
Your will is wonderful indeed;
therefore I obey it.
The unfolding of your word gives light
and teaches the simple"

* My dearest Lord, let me trust You for your will is so much above my own will.

Tue 20050726

* Thank you, my Lord, for your presence.

Mon 20050725

* Romans 8, 28-30: "Sabemos que a los que aman a Dios todo les sirve para el bien: a los que ha llamado conforme a su designio. A los que había escogido, Dios los predestinó a ser imagen de su Hijo para que él fuera el primogénito de muchos hermanos. A los que predestinó los llamó; a los que llamó los justificó; a los que justificó los glorificó".

* I like the Spanish translation. "We know that to those who love God everything serves for the good".

Fri 20050720

* My dearest Lord, I feel a little anxious at work. It's mainly about being uncertain whether I am contributing as much as others do. I don't feel confident of what I should do. I do quite a lot of work that I probably shouldn't do. Thanks my Lord, for the other people of the group support me and lead me.

* Romans 8,28-30: "We know that by turning everything to their good, God co-operates with all those who love him, with all those that he has called according to his purpose". My dearest Lord. I'm trying to turn everything to others good. This is the work of my Lord, as he cooperates with all that love him. My dearest Lord, I love you and that's how you have conquered me to serve others.

* "Those He called, he justified, and with those he justified he shared his glory". Thank you, my dearest Lord, for you have shared Your glory with me.

* Matthew 13, 44-52. "He kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field which someone has found; he hides it again, goes off happy, sells everything he owns and buys the field".

Tue 20050719

* Kings 3, 5; 7-12: "God said to Salomon: 'Ask what you would like me to give you'. Solomon replied, 'Lord, my God, you have made your servant king in succession to David my father. But I am a very young man, unskilled in leadership. Your servant finds himself in the midst of this people of yours that you have chosen, a people so many its numbers cannot be counted or reckoned. Give your servant a heart to understand how to discern between good and evil, for who could govern this people of yours that is so great?. It pleased the Lord that Solomon should have asked for this. 'Since you have asked for this ' the Lord said 'and not asked for long life for yourself or riches or the lives of your enemies, but have asked for a discerning judgement for yourself, here and now I do what you ask. I give you a heart wise and shrewd as no one before you has had and none will have after you".

* My dearest Lord, I see how you are pleased when I don't ask for myself but to achieve the qualities to serve the others better. For Solomon did not ask for riches or long life but a discerning judgement to lead your people.

* Thank you, my dearest Lord, for you find your pleasure for my prayer yearning for help to serve others. Let me ask you for clarity and generosity to see how the process with Jorge of getting to know each other could turn into getting to love each other. That's not going to be easy but I trust You, my dearest Lord. I ask for your help.

Fri 07/08/05.

* "Homosexuality is one of God's most significant gifts to humanity. To be gay or lesbian is to have received a special blessing from God. All humans receive their own special graces from their creator, but God has chosen some to be gay and lesbian as a way of revealing something about Godself that heterosexuals do not".

* Eliel

Thu 07/07/05. The parabole of the sower (Matthew 13, 1-23).

* "But happy are your eyes because they see, your ears because they hear!. I tell you solemnly, many prophets and holy men longed to see what you see, and never saw it; to hear what you hear, and never heard it".

* My dearest Lord, let me be very happy for what you have showed me and what you have told me is true and wonderful. Thank you so much for you continue showing and telling me who you are. For those who don't have the opportunity of having met you.

Tue 07/05/05. Is 55, 10-11

* "Yes, as the rain and the snow come down from the heavens and do not return without watering the earth, making it yield and giving growth to provide seed for the sower and bread for the eating, so the word that goes from my mouth does not return to me empty, without carrying out my will and succeeding in what it was sent to do".

* The word of my Lord is effective. Don't allow me not to believe in this. Whenever I speak the words inspired from my Lord or do the will inspired by Him, it will never return to me empty. I may not see it, but those words and those actions will water the earth and will give their crop.

Mon 07/04/05.

* I pray to my Lord so that his will be done and his presence be with us. Let my Lord's ways be done and not mine. I may not be sure about mine but I'm pretty sure of his.

* Thank you for this weekend. Thank you for I enjoyed a lot the presence of Nxxx, Mxxx and Axxx. Especially for Nxxx that I haven't seen for a while. Thank you for the presence of Fxxx in the gay parade. She chose to be with Pxxx and me. I finally wore a T-shirt and held a banner. Thanks also for the presence of Sxxx and Esther.

* Thank you, my Lord, for the jesuit group agreed in allowing us to speak about our spiritual journey through coming out.

Wed 06/29/05. Matthew 11,25-30.

* "I bless you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for hiding these things from the wise and the learnt and revealing them to the simple".

Fri 06/24/2005

* It helps me so much to think that my Lord is the little shepherd, and me and all of us, the mate shepherd:

.A lonely little shepherd is sad,

out of pleasure and happiness,

and in his mate shepherd his mind thinking, and his loving chest very hurt.

He does not cry for being hurt by love, it doesn't grieve him to see him like that, though his heart is hurt;

but he cries thinking he's forgotten.

That only thinking he's forgotten | of his pretty mate shepherd, with great sadness | he allows himself being badly treated in alien land, | his loving chest very hurt.

And says the little shepherd: 'Helas, poor | of that who my love has refused, | and does not want to enjoy my presence, | and the loving chest for his love very hurt!.

And after a little while he's himself exalted | on a tree where his pretty arms he extended, | and dead he's stayed sticked on them, | his loving chest very hurt.

Saint John of the Cross

Un pastorcico solo está penado,
ajeno de placer y de contento,
y en su pastora puesto el pensamiento, | y el pecho del amor muy lastimado.

No llora por haberle amor llagado
que no le pesa verse así afligido,
aunque en el corazón está herido;
mas llora por pensar que está olvidado.

Que sólo de pensar que está olvidado
de su bella pastora, con gran pena
se deja maltratar en tierra ajena,
el pecho del amor muy lastimado.

Y dice el Pastorcico: !Ay, desdichado
de aquel que de mi amor ha hecho ausencia,
y no quiere gozar la mi presencia,
y el pecho por su amor muy lastimado!

Y al cabo de un gran rato se ha encumbrado
sobre un árbol do abrió sus brazos bellos,
y muerto se ha quedado, asido de ellos,
el pecho del amor muy lastimado.

Saint John of the Cross

Thu 06/23/2005

* I feel a little oppressed at work. Let me trust you. I'm sure that in some time I won't remember this moments but I will remember you. Let me be calm. It's not worth getting oppressed. Be with me, dearest Lord.

Tue 06/21/2005

* I was very late yesterday to the jesuit group meeting. I managed to get to the communion of the mass. But I was happy to be there when everyone clapped at Jxxx for his 30th anniversary of his ordination as a priest. Thank you, my Lord, for the presence of Jaime in our jesuit group for so many years. May you always be with him and encourage him to serve others as he's already done.

Mon 06/21/2005

* From Saint John of the Cross

Suma de la perfección
Olvido de lo criado
memoria del Criador,
atención a lo interior
y estarse amando al Amado

Sum of perfection
Amnesy of what is created
memory of the Creator
attention to the interior
and being loving the Beloved