Spiritual Sharing July 2006

Mon 20060710
* About this past Sunday. I went to see Dxxx Rxxx, a friend from La Caixa scholarship program. He is almost the only one I'm still in contact with. Updating each other for a couple of hours. About the spontaneity of calling my brother and going to mass with him, his wife and the little Marta (my niece). Having lunch with them afterwards. About not doing many plans and letting plans come spontaneously. I had a great time yesterday.
* About going to the West park on Saturday with a group of friends. Listening to a band playing at the park. They played Joaquín Larregla's Jota. My grandmother taught me how to play it many years ago on the piano. Having a memory about my grandmother.
* About Sxxx and Exxx's wedding announcement on Saturday night. That's very beautiful. Praying for them, so that they may find the job they deserve.
* Exxx didn't pass the examination for the goverment position. Thinking about them width he second reading of this weekend mass: hard situations not to allow us to be proud but trust. Of the comments of Sxxx about getting closer to the apostasy. I hope this is just a temporary thought.
Thu 20060706
* Corinthians 12, 7-10: "In view of the extraordinary nature of these revelations, to stop me from getting too proud I was given a thorn in the flesh, an angel of Satan to beat me and stop me from getting too proud!. About this thing, I have pleaded with the Lord three times for it to leave me, but he has said, 'My grace is enough for you: my power is at its best in weakness'. So I shall be very happy to make my weaknesses my special boast so that the power of Christ may stay over me, and that is why I am quite content with my weaknesses, and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and the agonies I go through for Christ's sake. For it is when I am weak that I am strong".
* Sometimes it is too hard to admit this. However, my dearest Lord has shown me not to be proud, He has shown me my limits and I thank for having them. Let me take advantage of the things that do not seem to work according to my plans. They show me Your plans.
* About thinking about Alfonso these days. This didn't happened to me since Gxxx.
Mon 20060703
* Last Sunday I went to mass with my parents. I usually don't go with them. However, yesterday Jxxx Mxxx Mxxx was there concelebrating. He is one of the missionaries in the Ivory Coast (at a little town called Tiébissou).
* When he read the gospel, he moved my heart. His reading was very simple but it was simply they way he read it that brought me so intense the presence of my dearest Lord.
* When giving the peace, my mother mentioned that we should go up to the altar to hug Jxxx Mxxx. However, it was not necessary: Jxxx Mxxx himself, descended from the altar to encounter us. About having a little chat with him after the mass. Showing him the photographs of the little Mxxx (my brother's just born baby).
* About the gay pride parade. Of how Axxx was holding the banner beside me. Of how I enjoyed his presence. I approached him from time to time touching him very gently. After gay pride, I cleared out some of my doubts about being interested in more than one person. I guess that there's only one now. Of how Jxxx got enthusiastic about me (I'm not quite ready to give him what he needs).
* About the little email I sent to Axxx, inviting him to encounter Jxxx Mxxx Mxxx in the coming celebration we will have with him. I have no idea whether he would come. But the idea of inviting him was not quite mine.
Thu 20060629
* My aunt will get pre-retired by the end of this week. The company offered her a very good fairwell package. Yesterday, she told me that his company realeased a message all around the world in a very official way that three main factories in Europe were to be closed. This means that the company is not going very well. They are going to pre-retire more people. It seems that my aunt got extremely lucky. For all the pre-retirements after her will reduce considerably the compensation. My aunt has sold, one second before the bubble bursted.
* About how my aunt was badly treated in the past years. Working still very hard, her bosses often took advantage of the merits and acknowledgements for my aunt's work.
* However, at the very end, some people wanted to unwind, to try to undo and mend what was badly done in the past. They succeeded, my aunt finally got something at the height of what she deserved. About how the human resources head was hurrying my aunt to retire. I guess he knew what was happening (three factories closed).
* About how happy my aunt was yesterday. About the little farewell lunch her close friends prepared for her yesterday. A simple event, full of close friends. One of them left the company a few months ago, but was there, just for this lunch.
* Thank you my dearest Lord, for yesterday my aunt and I had a great time watching a Zarzuela with Plácido Domingo. But I enjoyed even more the little conversation we had walking together back home. She told me all this. Thank you my Lord, for You support those who follow You, even if they don't know You.

Fri 20060623
* This morning I was awake early. I could not quite sleep. I was thinking about Sxxx, a girl that works in my bank. She is getting married next month and she told us by chance a couple of days ago. We don't have much relation. We belong to two departments which are somehow in competition and the interaction between them can be tense. About imagining approaching her next week and congratulating for her marriage. Wishing her all joy and happiness for this new stage. Allowing her to forget about job affairs for some time and enjoy her honeymoon.
* My dearest Lord, it seems to me that these thoughts and feelings do not belong to me (I hardly know her). I don't know who they belong to, but I insist, they are not mine. I think they belong to You, for they surprise me. Let me go down next month and congratulate her for her wedding. About feeling how Your presence arises simply thinking of this simple sign of going down and congratulating her. This is in the same direction of descending to the altar the other day to hug Vxxx in her farewell mass. It was unexpected for me to hear my mother suggesting to hug Vxxx. This is about the subtle way in which my Lord speaks.
* Continue speaking, my dearest Lord. Let me be listening, attentive, diligent. So that I may know Your will.

Thu 20060622
* Matthew 11, 25-30: "Jesus exclaimed, I bless you, Father, Lord of heaven and of earth, for hiding these things from the learned and the clever and revealing them to mere children. Yes, Father, for that is what it pleased you to do. Everything has been entrusted to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, just as no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.

Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest. Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. Yes, my yoke is easy and my burden light".
* Thank you my dearest Lord, for hiding who You are to the learnt and the wise and revealing it to the simple. Let me be simple, for that's the way to deeply know who You are.

Mon 20060619
* About the celebration of the confirmations at my jesuit group on Saturday. I could not go to rehearse with the choir but at least I joined it for the celebration. I was quite emotional.
* About the formal and official Vxxx's fairwell mass at the parish. Of how little protagonism was given to Vxxx. About the big amount of people attending this mass. I've never seen so many people in that church. Of how good the words of the pastor were about the celebration of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. However not even a mention to Vxxx. I was sitting behind the altar. In a place where the pastor does not like people to sit. However there were a number of us sitting there. My parents were sitting nearby. When giving the peace, my mother told me that she would like anyone hug Vxxx, as none of the priests was showing any closeness to Vxxx. I descended to the altar. Crossed the central part and approached Vxxx. I hugged him and returned back to my place. Vxxx farewell was left for the end of the mass. The pastor gave him a robe so that Vxxx would remember his presence in Madrid. About the simple but emotional words that Vxxx said. He thanked officially the pastor and his colleague priests. Of how he mentioned our group of "pichurrines" with so much love as compared with that formal mention to the pastor. Being with Vxxx after the mass.

Thu 20060615
Deuteronomy 8, 2-3; 14-16: "Moses said to the people: Remember how the Lord your God led you for forty years in the wilderness, to humble you, to test you and know your inmost heart (whether you would keep his commandments or not). He humbled you, he made you feel hunger, he fed you with manna which neither you nor your fathers had known, to make you understand that man does not live on bread alone but that man lives on everything that comes from the mouth of the Lord".
* My dearest Lord, You have humbled me significantly in the past year. Thank you for You made me understand that I cannot live and be happy out of myself alone but from everything that comes from Your advise and Your love. Maybe now, You know better my inmost heart, maybe now You unveiled my inmost heart so that I may contemplate it.
* About being awake this morning by 4am thinking about giving a little talk at work about the secret of success: "My heart is not proud, not haughty my eyes. I didn't go after things too great, nor marvels beyond me". The idea of coming out at work arising again.


Wed 20060614
* Romans 8, 14-17: "Everyone moved by the Spirit is a son of God. The spirit you received is not the spirit of slaves bringing fear into your lives again; it is the spirit of sons, and it makes us cry out, "Abba, Father!". The Spirit himself and our spirit bear united witness that we are children of God. And if we are children we are heirs as well: heirs of God and coheirs with Christ, sharing his suffering so as to share his glory".

Mon 20060612
* About how I felt when going alone to the counsel of Young Professionals at my jesuit community. Cxxx didn't come for she is taking care of her mother. I was thinking of calling Cxxx to tell her how I felt. Finally I didn't do it. I talked to her on Sunday and didn't mention anything of how I felt. Now I think it was better this way.
* About the farewell party of Vxxx, this priest from Congo who has stayed in Madrid for the last seven years. We met him at my former parish. He has been with us when we were all working in the parish. I hosted this farewell party. Of how emotional was the mass we celebrated after almost two years following each of us our own way. About the tensions and differences among people. However, it was very reconciling and emotional.
* About Vxxx, his simplicity and humbleness. Willing to keep in contact.

Fri 20060602
* John 17, 11-19: "Holy Father, keep those you have given me true to your name, so that they may be one like us. While I was with them, I kept those you had given me true to your name. I have watched over them and not one is lost except the one who chose to be lost, and this was to fulfill the scriptures. But now I am coming to you and while still in the world I say these things to share my joy with them to the full. I passed your word on to them, and the world hated them, because they belong to the world no more than I belong to the world. I am not asking you to remove them from the world, but to protect them from the evil one. They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world. Consecrate them in the truth; your word is truth. As you sent them into the word, I have sent them into the world, and for their sake I consecrate myself so that they may also be consecrated in truth".
* My dearest Lord, for those times in which You let me know who You are, it seemed to be that I don't belong to this world. Of its criteria, its values. I fell much more hat I belong to You.

Thu 20060601
* About the little email I sent to Jxxx yesterday. Of how it moved me thinking of the connection between Jxxx and that little shepherd of the poem by Saint John of the Cross. Praying for my jesuit community.
* Last Saturday I was back home by 4am. I was tired but I hardly slept for the little rest of the night. I somehow started to think about releasing my notes about sexual orientation and spirituality (my little talk last November) among my colleagues at work. Of how it felt to come out to these people. In my praying time at the bus yesterday I was thinking about the same. Reading once more that coming out text and realizing how it felt against my colleagues at work. I liked it. This is not the second time I have thought about this. It starts to come back and back again for some time.
* Let me know what's best. Let me do Your will, my dearest Lord.

Tue 20060530
* Yesterday in my jesuit group meeting, Jxxx, the spiritual director who has been longest with us, talked to us. I saw him a little sad, discouraged and worried. It's one of the first times that I hear him talking with altered voice. Speaking from his heart and not so much from his head. I have seen him angrier other times. The reason of his sadness is us all, not willing to encounter our dearest Lord. Not willing to respond to His love, to overcome the difficulties to pray, to do spiritual exercises, to attend the meetings, to take care of our spiritual and interior life. He was worried about us forgetting our Lord.
* I pray for us. That we may want to encounter You. I pray for Jxxx so that he may see it.

UN PASTORCICO

Un pastorcico, solo, está penado,
ajeno de placer y de contento,
y en su pastora puesto el pensamiento,
y el pecho del amor muy lastimado.

No llora por haberle amor llagado,
que no le pena verse así afligido,
aunque en el corazón está herido,
mas llora por pensar que está olvidado;

que sólo pensar que está olvidado
de su bella pastora, con gran pena
se deja maltratar en tierra ajena,
el pecho del amor muy lastimado.

Y dice el pastorcico: !Ay, desdichado
de aquel que de mi amor ha hecho ausencia,
y no quiere gozar la mi presencia,
y el pecho por su amor muy lastimado!

Y al cabo de un gran rato, se ha encumbrado sobre un árbol, do abrió sus brazos bellos,
y muerto se ha quedado asido dellos,
el pecho del amor muy lastimado.

S. Juan de la Cruz

Wed 20060525
* Ephesians 1,17-23: "May the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, give you a spirit of wisdom and perception of what is revealed, to bring you to full knowledge of Him. May He enlighten the eyes of your mind so that you can see what hope his call holds for you, what rich glories he has promised the saints will inherit and how infinitely great is the power that he has exercised for us believers".
* My prayer for Sxxx. May she find the job she's so much looking for.
* Thank you for the presence of Mxxx Mxxx in our meeting at the jesuit group yesterday.
* May my dearest Lord, be willing to tell us who He is. May I listen.

Tue 20060523
* About spending the afternoon with Marco on Sunday at the Retiro. I had a great time. I thank for spending this time with him.
* Praying for Sxxx. May she get the job she's so much looking for.
* Remembering Bxxx Zxxx, this jesuit priest I met in New York. He passed away a few days ago from a heart attack. He was young. Thanking the presence I spent with him.
* Reading once more the email that Mxxx Lxxx sent me from the community of nuns of Valdejimena. I sent them the talk I gave last November about my experience of encountering the Lord from the acceptance and integration of my sexual orientation. Thanking for their support and sympathy.

Mon 20060522
* Acts of the Apostles 1,1-11: "Now, having met together, they asked Him: 'Lord, has the time come?. Are You going to restore the kingdom of Israel?'. He replied, 'It is not for you to know the times or dates that the Father has decided by His own authority, but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you, and then you will be my witnesses not only in Jerusalem but throughout Judea and Samaria, and indeed to the ends of the earth".
* My dearest Lord, it is not for me to know the times and dates that You decided by Your own authority. Let me not need to know so much but trust. Give me the power of Your Holy Spirit so that I don't need to know or understand fully.

Thu 20060518
* John 15, 9-17: "As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Remain in my love ... I have told you this so that my own joy may be in you and your joy be complete. This is my commandment: love one another, as I have loved you ... I shall not call you servants any more, because a servant does not know his master's business; I call you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have learnt from my Father. You did not choose me, no , I chose you; and I commissioned you to go out and to bear fruit, fruit that will last".
* Thank you my dearest Lord, for You loved us, for you love us. For You made known to us everything You learnt from Your Father. Thank you, for You chose me and sent me to bear fruit, a fruit that will last.

Wed 20060517
* Acts 10,25-48: "While Peter was still speaking, the Holy Spirit came down on all the listeners. Jewish believers who had accompanied Peter were all astonished that the gift of the Holy Spirit should be poured out on the pagans too, since they could hear them speaking strange languages and proclaiming the greatness of God. Peter himself then said: 'Could anyone refuse the water of baptism to these people, now they have received the Holy Spirit just as much as we have?' ".
* My prayer for Sxxx. May she find what she's looking for.

Sun 20060514
* 1 Jn 3,18-24: "If our conscience does not condemn us, we have whole confidence in front of God".

Fri 20060512
* About all those fraudulent transfers from my account to some other's account. Having my money stolen. About going to the police and report it. Not having much certainty of what is going to happen. I should be more careful (though I have been indeed very careful). Thank you my Lord, for I still have other resources. Think about all that money sent to Tiébissou or some other mission.
* Whatever You want, whenever You want, if ever You want.

Tue 20060509
* About not being accepted as a Christian group at the assembly of the gay community center in Madrid. Again, being rejected by the church for being gay and being rejected by the gay community for being Christian.
* I was let down after the assembly. However, we never know what is best for us. Maybe it is better to get out of them and be an association on our own. Again, our plans seem not be Your plans. Let us be open to Your plans. We'll need more structure, to spend more time and effort.
* About the email that a pre-noviciate of the jesuits sent me yesterday. Of how he is getting ready to say 'yes' to You. About thinking of abandoning his studies, parents, friends, closing the door to a woman he is dating. About him feeling small, limited, little. I pray for him. May You be very present in his life especially these days. So that he may receive you gift of deciding with clarity, without looking back.
* Psam 117:
"The stone which the builders rejected, has become the corner stone.

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, for his love has no end.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in men: it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princess.

I will thank You for You have given answer and You are my savior.
The stone which the builders rejected has become the corner stone. This is the work of our Lord, a marvel in our eyes.

Blessed in he name of the Lord is he who comes.
We bless You from the house of the Lord. I will thank You for You have given answer and You are my savior. Give thanks to the Lord for he is good; for his love has no end".

Wed 20060419
* About this Taizé song that is striking me these days:

"Confitemini, Dominum, quoniam bonum, confitemini, Dominum, Alleluya".

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, give thanks to the Lord, Alleluia".

* About reading again the Easter Sunday Psam.

"Give thanks tot he Lord for He is good, for His love has no end. Let the sons of Israel say: 'His love has no end'.

The stone which the builders rejected has become the corner stone. This is the work of the Lord, a marvel in our eyes".

Thinking of Mxxx, when I sent him this last part of the psalm about the stone which the builders rejected. I pray for him wherever he is, whatever he is doing, for the rejected stone becomes the corner stone. For this is the work of my dearest Lord. For it is wonderful to see it.

Tue 20060418. Isaiah 55,1-11.
"Seek the Lord, while He is still to be found, call to Him while He is still near. Let the wicked man abandon his way, the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn back to the Lord who will take pity on him, to our God who is rich in forgiving; for my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways not your ways (it is the Lord who speaks). Yes, the heavens are as high above earth as my ways are above your ways, my thoughts above your thoughts".
* My dearest Lord, may Your will be done, Your paths accomplished, for they are not much higher than mine. Let me know your will, your plans for my life.

Mon 20060417
* About the Easter retreat. I was expecting perhaps a little more intimacy. I did not find too many quiet moments to be peacefully with people and with my Lord.
* The most intimate moment happened in the adoration of the cross. I did not know that the dynamics were to lean on top of the cross all the things that we want to die with Christ. People approached the cross leaning their head on it. On the background, Taizé songs sung by the rest of the people.
* I did not lean my head on the cross to put all those things and attitudes which should die with Christ. I was not thinking of that. I realized of that later. I was leaning my head on the cross as John was leaning on Christ's lap in the last supper. As Mary might have been leaning when her son died. It was more about getting in "physical" contact with my Lord and asking so that His will be revealed and done in me: "May your will be done, your paths accomplished". May You tell me more clearly what You want in my life.

Fri 20060407
* About reading the encyclical letter "God is love". This is the first pastoral letter that moves my heart.

"No se comienza a ser cristiano por una decisión ética o una gran idea, sino por el encuentro con un acontecimiento, con una Persona, que da un nuevo horizonte a la vida y, con ello, una orientación decisiva. En su Evangelio, Juan había expresado este acontecimeinto con las siguientes palabras: 'Tanto amó Dios al mundo, que entregó a su Hijo único, para que todos los que creen en él tengan vida eterna' (Jn 3,16) ... Y puesto que es Dios quien nos ha amado primero (1Jn 4,10), ahora el amor ya no es sólo un mandamiento, sino la respuesta al don del amor, con el cual viene a nuestro encuentro".

* I cannot agree more with the idea that one becomes a Christian not as a result of an ethical decision or a lofty idea. But rather as a result of the encounter with an Event, a Person who strongly and happily changes our lives. I like so much the description of this event as: So much God loved the world that He gave his only Son so that all those who believe in Him have eternal life. Love is not only a commandment but the response to someone who loved us first.

Tue 20060404
* About this little prayer from Eva yesterday in our meeting at the jesuit group.
La vida sin amor no vale nada.La justicia sin amor te hace duro.La inteligencia sin amor te hace cruel.La amabilidad sin amor te hace hipócrita.La fe sin amor te hace fanático.Sea la expresión viva del amor de Dios.
Madre Teresa de Calcuta.
Life without love is not worth livingJustice without love makes you hardIntelligence without love makes you cruelFriendliness without love makes you hypocriteFaith without love makes you fanaticMay I be the living expression of God's loveVen y sé mi luz, no puedo ir soloCome and be my light, I cannot go alone.
Mother Theresa of Calcutta
* About this meeting about Easter from the perspective of the pastoral letter "God is love". About how the last part of this letter moved my heart. Of how much God's presence and inspiration I see from these texts. I read it during those five hours I spent in a train to Mérida. Of how I prepared this meeting during the five hours of my return trip on the train. Of how this helped me to interiorize what I read the previous day.
* 'Si comprehendis, non est Deus': if you understand it is not God (Saint Agustin). Of how I could acknowledge the truth of this little sentence.

Mon 20060403
* This weekend I went to visit a couple friends of mine in a town west from Madrid. I took a train that took about 5 hours each way. It is not very far but the train simply takes all that long. I read the pastoral letter "God is love" by Ratzinger (Benedict XVI).
* About my heart getting moved especially when reading the second part. I prepared a meeting for my jesuit group about Easter and the mystery of the Passion and Resurrection from the perspective of this pastoral letter.
* When facing an extreme situation in which unableness gets mixed with lack of answers: "Why has you forsaken me?" says Jesus. About the faith answer given by San Agustín: "Si comprehendis, non est Deus", if you understand, it is not God.

Fri 20060331
* Today is my grandmonther's birthday. The whole family will have a little celebration tonight. I visited her on Tuesday. I pray for her and thank for we still have her among us.
* About listening to Bach's Passion according to Saint John. I always get very emotional with this piece of music. During the performance my thoughts were constantly repeating this piece of a psalm:

"My heart is not proud, not haughty my eyes. I didn't go after things too great, nor marvels beyond me".

Thu 20060330

"Es el orgullo el que no quiere la impotencia, es la soberbia la que no acepta ser pequeño".
It is pride that does not want to be unable; it is haughtiness that does not accept to be small.
"Ahora ya no lucho; trato de afirmarme, de considerar mi realidad sin sueños, sin novelas".
Now, I don't fight; I try to confirm, to consider my reality without dreams, without novels.
"Ahora pongo toda mi impotencia frente a la omnipotencia de Dios: el cúmulo de mis pecados bajo el sol de su misericordia".
Now I set all my unableness against the omnipotence of God, the sum of my sins under the sun of His mercy.

"En este encuentro entre el Todo de Dios y la nada del hombre está la maravilla mayor de lo creado".

This encounter between the thoroughness of God and the none ness of human beings is the greatest wonder of what was created.

Mon 20060327.
* About this weekend full of meetings. The counsel at my jesuit community, the meeting at the Commission of Religious Affairs and the meeting with this community in which a group of three came out and shared our gay experience.
* Thank you for the welcome at this last meeting. There are other people interested in knowing about the gay reality. Searching for the truth for the direct experience for the first hand information. Thank you for that.

* Philippians 2,5. Let my Lord have the same feelings of Christ Jesus. He didn't try to show others His divine nature but chose to be the unknown servant of all.

Fri 20060324. John 3, 14-21
"On these grounds is sentence pronounced: that though the light has come into the world, men have shown they prefer darkness to the light, because their deeds were evil. And indeed, everybody who does wrong hates the light and avoids it, for fear his actions should be exposed; but the man who lives by the truth comes out into the light, so that it may be plainly seen that what he does is done in God".
* About this very reason why in some occasions I don't mind what others may think. When I follow You, when it is not my own interest what I search, I don't mind what others may think. Being in peace and indeed beyond others thoughts and criticism. I know who I am to serve: my dearest Lord. Let me know who You are. Let me be available for what You want in my life.

Thu 20060323. Ephesians 2,4-10.

"Because it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith; not by anything of your won, but by a gift from God; not by anything that you have done, so that nobody can claim the credit. We are God's work of art, created in Christ Jesus to live the good life as from the beginning He had meant us to live it".

Tue 20060321
* On Sunday it was the celebration of the 50th anniversary of the start of the noviciate of a priest friend of my parents and myself. I went to the celebration and found some known people. Among them one of the university group in my jesuit community. The same one who I first met when going to the prayer for priest vocations organized by the dioceses at the seminary a year ago. It was estrange to find him there (and to find myself there too). After a little of talk, he told me that he was there because he was at the pre-noviciate meetings, discerning whether he, himself, was called to be a priest.
* About writing him an email sharing my spiritual diary. Encouraging him and myself to listen whatever are our Lords plans for each of us. Getting moved and giving thanks for the availability and generosity of this person and some others I met there. I bring them all to my prayer and hope You be well with them for whatever You want.
* About feeling very much connected with this person though I hardly know him, willing to give support and walk somehow beside.

Sat 20060318
* Thinking about what happened a few weeks after telling my opinion at work in that offsite we did. It seemed that people got offended and actually I presented my excuses a few days later (because offending was very far from my intention). I said what in my best conscience I thought I should say. A few weeks later, my boss told me that my comments were taken into consideration and that some decisions were taken in order to correct the situation.
* These are the ways of my Lord. They are not easy; they don't make me feel confident of what I think or even do. They make me doubt. If I had felt very confident about the situation, I may not have asked for excuses. Or perhaps I would have thought that everything was because of my own wit and talent. However, You did not allow this to happen. I felt unconfident and I did not take ownership of what does not belong to me. It is all Yours. I'm sure that that's the very reason why it worked out the way it did. If I had taken ownership on the situation I would have not encountered You.
* Thank You, my dearest Lord, for Your strength is manifested in which society calls weakness and Your intelligence in which everyone calls foolness. I'd rather be a weak fool around You than strong and smart in front of society.

Thu 20060316
* Thank you for this week of vacation in London. I was tired and needed some time out. Thank you for re-encountering Hxxx and Txxx. For the hospitality of Jxxx and the pleasure to be with him and Jxxx Rxxx again.

* Corinthians 1,22-25
"For God's foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God's weakness is stronger than human strength".

* Let my dearest Lord be fool and weak as He is. I used to like being strong and clever. Actually, stronger and cleverer than the others. Maybe I don't need to be so strong and so clever. Maybe I need to be weak and fool to allow my Lord to tell me who He is. I now thank for those situations in which I feel weak and fool. I don't want them but when I go through them You show me so clearly who You are.

Mon 20060306
* About this weekend out in Valdejimena and Salamanca. Valdejimena is a little shrine in the middle of the fields where my parish group used to spend the Easter for many years. There is a small community of nuns there (about five) who have a hosting place where people come over to spend a few days of retreat.

* About re-encountering those nuns on Saturday. It was a short visit. They wanted us to stay for lunch but they had a big group and they were preparing lunch for them. They offered us a cup of coffee and a little chat. It was a nice encounter. One of them gave me her email and the following day, I send her the notes of my little talk about sexual orientation and spirituality. I felt very much like sharing with that community of elderly women my own experience. I don't want to scandalize them. I simply want to share.
* About the rest of the weekend in Salamanca. This beautiful city is striking. Being among friends, being with Exxx again. About coming out to Exxx. He accepted it well, very naturally and spontaneously.

Fri 20060224 Corinthians 3, 1-6
"Unlike other people, we need no letters of recommendation either to you or from you, because you are yourselves our letter, written in our hearts, that anybody can see and read, and it is plain that you are a letter from Christ, drawn up by us, and written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on stone tablets but on the tablets of your living hearts".
* My dearest Lord, your presentation letter is your love. Love that moves my heart. When my heart gets moved, I know who You are and I don't need any recommendation letter.

Psalm 102.
"My soul, give thanks to the Lord,all my being, bless his holy name.My soul, give thanks to the Lordand never forget all his blessings.
It is he who forgives all your guilt,who heals every one of your ills,who redeems your life from the grave,who crowns you with love and compassion".
Thu 20060216
* "Tell me, my Lord, who You are so that I may believe in You".
Fri 20060210
*
"In painful state, prayer becomes true and strong, though bleak like sand.Soul speaks to the Lord with her humbleness, with her pain; even more, with her unableness.Words become scarce, naked. Silence is reached, a step forward into prayer; for silence has no limits whereas every word has limits".
From Letters in the desert by Carlo Caretto.
* Having a hard time at work. I cannot manage well my priorities. My work seems slow, even useless. Let all this mean something to me. Let me hear what You want to say with this. "My heart is not proud, nor haughty my eyes. I didn't go after things too great, nor marvels beyond me".
Thu 20060209.
* My dearest Lord, the other day I said what I thought about something at work and some people got offended. My intention was by no means to offend. I talked to these people afterwards expressing what I wanted to say and asking for excuses if anyone had got offended.
* Let me not care about what others think about me. There's only one I should care for. That's my dearest Lord. I did what I had to do and there's not any more that I can do. Let me not care about what others think.

Mon 20060206
* Yesterday I had to do some shopping and I could not go to my regular mass. I went to my old parish instead. The time was convenient and I was near. There were not many people (as it used to be when I was there). I saw a few known people.
* About encountering Exxx. He came over me and I joined him and his mother. Exxx is a simple person who belonged to my group.
* I became very emotional in this mass. I think it was mainly about the presence of Exxx by my side. About the readings: "I do not boast of preaching the gospel, since it is a duty which has been laid on me" (Co 9,16-19). May my Lord never allow me to boast or take ownership of preaching the gospel.
* On Saturday, the coordinator of the Commission of Religious Affairs told us that one of the auxiliary bishops in our province wanted to get to know our group. Maybe it was because of my little talk. A priest gave it to the bishop last week. However, I don't want to think that it was the talk. Or maybe it was. I don't want to take ownership of what is only from my dearest Lord. That talk is not mine. It is His.
* After the mass Exxx joined me to go and see some other friends. Of how I was thinking of inviting him to do that for weeks but never found the right moment to do it. Yesterday, it was so spontaneous. I loved it.

Wed 20060201
Corinthians 9,16-19
"I do not boast of preaching the gospel, since it is a duty which has been laid on me; I should be punished if I did not preach it!. If I had chosen this work myself, I might have been paid for it, but as I have not, it is a responsibility which has been put into my hands".

Mon 20060130
* My dearest Lord, I pray for Carmen. She sent me her experience of encountering You from the perspective of the acceptance of her illness.

"Me siento feliz al decir estas palabras: 'Tú eres mi Dios; en tus manos están mis azares'. Se me quita un peso de encima, descanso y sonrío en medio de un mundo difícil. 'Mis azares están en tus manos'. Benditas manos. ¿y cómo he de volver a dudar, a preocuparme, a acongojarme pensando en mi vida y en mi futuro, cuando sé que están en tus manos?. Alegría de alegrías, Señor y favor de favores".

Cxxx

"I feel happy when I say these words: 'You are my God; in your hands are my chances'. A big weight gets out of me, I rest and smile in the middle of a difficult world. 'My chances are in Your hands'. Blessed hands, and how should I worry, get scared thinking of my life, my future, when I know that they are in Your hands?. Joy of every joy, Lord, support of every support".

Cxxx

Thu 20060126
"Pourquoi aller vivre à quelques-uns dans de telles conditions et y rester de longues années, peut-être toute la vie?. Non pas pour apporter des solutions, mais avant tout pour être une simple présence d'amour. Oui, pour aimer et le dire par notre vie".

Frère Roger de Taizé

"Why living in some of those places with such conditions and stay there for long years, even the whole life?. Not to give solutions, but above all to be a simple presence of love. Yes, to love and say it with our life".

Brother Roger of Taizé

Wed 20060125
"Qué bien sé yo la fonte que mana y corre
aunque es de noche.

Aquesta eterna fonte está ascondida
en ese vivo pan por darnos vida,
aunque es de noche.

Aquesta viva fuente, que deseo,
en este pan de vida yo la veo
aunque es de noche".

San Juan de la Cruz

"So well I know that fountain which springs and runs
though it is dark

This eternal fountain is hidden
in this living bread to give us life,
though it is dark.

This living fountain, that I wish,
in this living bread I see
though it is dark".

Saint John of the Cross

Mon 20060123
* Some seven months ago my aunt showed me a big bag with plenty of little wool squares that she had been knitting for years. It didn't take her long to knit one of them. Maybe half an hour or a little longer. Each of these little squares was a small step. Relaxing, changing of activity, doing little by little but steadily. She mentioned me that she was willing to do a blanket.
* Yesterday I went to see my grandmother and my aunt with my parents. It was late, we were staying just for a little while. It was some sort of unexpected visit.
* I saw a blanket. It had all those little wool squares joined to each other. It was in the living room, where my grandmother was. My aunt was still in the kitchen talking to my mother. When my aunt joined us in the living room she excused herself for not having taken out the blanket. It was a present; a surprise for me. One of those presents that one does not receive in Christmas or on one's birthday but on an ordinary day: whenever she finished.
* About how my heart got moved when I left the house. My aunt thought that the best she could do about those wool squares was to make me a blanket.
* My grandmother mentioned that perhaps it was not very colorful, for my aunt had been using wool leftovers to do some of the squares. It was good for a guy she added at the end.
* I was thinking that the beauty of that blanket did not come from its colors but from each very knot and the love with which each one of them was knit.

Fri 20060120
"Lord, make me know your ways. Lord, teach me your paths. Make me walk in your truth, and teach me: for You are God my savior.

Remember your mercy, Lord, and the love your have shown from of old. In your love remember me, because of your goodness, O Lord.

The Lord is good and upright. He shows the path to those who stray. He guides the humble in the right path; he teaches his way to the poor".

* My dearest Lord, make me humble and poor, for those who are humble and poor listen to Your voice.

Mon 20050116
* Praying for Carmen. My mother told me that she had big allergic reactions during her treatment.
* Praying for Sxxx. I went with her on Saturday to Ikea. About the silent return. There's nothing wrong with silence but her silence stroke me.
* About the meeting of the Commission of Religious Affairs. Meeting new people. About the mass on Sunday at the church of my old university. Meeting known people there. Spending the morning with Axxx and Cxxx.
* John 1, 35-42: "Where do you live?", asked Andrew to Jesus when Jesus turned around seeing that Andrew was following. Jesus answered: "Come and see". Let me, my dearest Lord follow You, and ask where can I find You. Let me come and see.
* About Barenboim's piano recital yesterday night.

Wed 20060111
* "Mon âme se repose en paix sûr
Dieu seule".

* My soul rests peacefully on God only.

Sun 20060108
* Christmas is over. About the things that have happened during these days. I didn't find my regular moment to be with You. Too many things, too many activities.
* I pray for Cxxx (a woman friend of my mother). I have been praying for her during the last couple of years. I start my prayer everyday saying "I pray for Cxxx". About how my heart got moved when my mother told me she was going with her for cancer therapy. I was on vacation, I could go too. About going to see Cxxx. We don't have that much relationship but she was very pleased to see me and I was very pleased to see her. She told me about her hard situation but fortunately she didn't have a depression. We talked a little about the Divine Providence. Of how she lets herself be led by this Providence. I gave her a CD with my little talk about sexual orientation and spirituality. She could not go to the talk, though she would have loved to.
* About having lunch with Sxxx yesterday. I guess she was feeling a little lonely these days. Her coming was very spontaneous. It was about a friend who invites another friend to have lunch at home. About talking of superficial and deep things all mixed together, changing from one to the other so smoothly.
* About organizing all my accounts.
* About sending the text of my little talk and the link of the blog spiritualsharing to the Commission of Religious Affairs to be put in their web page.
* About going to see Dxxx and Axxx in Robledillo. Wishing them Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
* About hosting the meal of the family on Kings day.
* About not praying during these days. I guess I could have enjoyed more the things I have done. Because You would have shown me your presence more clearly. I would have searched your presence more explicitly. I'm not realizing of the things that have happened until now.

Thu 20051229
* About this little text I sent to Lxxx and Mxxx.
"My son, support your mother in her old age, do not grieve her during her life. Even if her mind should fail, show her sympathy, do not despise her in your health and strength; for kindness to a mother shall not be forgotten but will serve as reparation for your sins".

Wed 20051228
* May my dearest Lord make me small, tiny and little. Let me not be proud, nor haughty, nor too ambitious. In my evaluations at work, I was told to be more aggressive, not allowing doing other's work. Sometimes it seems to me that I cannot stop doing what is urgent and I never do what I like most. Let me find a balance between both.
* Thank you for yesterday concert. It was great.

Fri 20051223
* Thank you, my dearest Lord, for a son is given to us, for dominion is laid upon his shoulder, for his name is Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace (Is 9, 1-7).

Mon 20051219
* May your will be done, your paths accomplished, for You know better than me, what it is best. I have been struggling to be able to deliver the recording of my little talk by email. I haven't succeeded. At least during this week, let's let it be. If it doesn't go through, let me not struggle too much. Maybe it should not be done yet.
* About the trip to Argentina. We had to cancel it for the strike in Argentinean airways. We had to change plans but it was fine. We don't need to go to Argentina. I'm sorry not to be present in the wedding I was going for. When things don't succeed, let me ask myself whether it is more convenient that they don't succeed.
* About Mary's response to the invitation of the angel for her Lord's plan: "I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let what you have said be done to me".

Fri 20051216
* About the call that Carlos Carretto received to go to the desert:: "Come with me to the desert. I don't want your action; I want your prayer, your love". "Come with me to the desert. There's something more important than you action: your prayer; there is a strength greater than your words: your love".

Thu 20051215
* I thank for the availability of the presidents of young professionals in my jesuit group to continue one more year. It's a lot of work. There was a voting to ask them to continue one more year. Everyone voted yes. About the comments of the president in the mass after the voting. He was thanking for the support that all those voters were giving to the presidents. I thank them once more for their availability and the availability of their partners.

Sun 20051211
* "El deseo que tenemos de Dios es la antesala del encuentro con Él".
* "Our desire of God is the hall to encounter the Lord".
* May I ask to desire You, for desiring You is the hall, the previous step, before encountering You.

Thu 20051208
* About taking ownership of what is not mine but Yours. About thinking that the gifts that You give me are mine and not Yours. About thinking that the experience of encountering You is mine and not a gift from You. About this self-praising spirit coming into my mind (not my heart), praising my sharing on Monday November 28th. It does not come into my heart, for the only one who moves my heart is You, not me. There are good reasons to praise. That sharing was really great. Praise, but not to me. It's not about me. I'm only the messenger. The message is not mine but from the One who sent me, who moved my heart to share how we met, how we continue meeting, how our love for each other develops. My dearest Lord, don't allow me to take ownership of what is Yours. I want it to be Yours, for You know how to have it.

Tue 20051206
* Yesterday I sent an email to the new person who is taking care of the welcome group (Pxxx). It was not my message but Yours. I was reading a passage from Isaiah and I felt very much like sending it to this person.

Is 61, 1-2a; 10-11
"The spirit of the Lord God has been given to me, for the Lord has anointed me. He has sent me to bring good news to the poor, to bind up hearts that are broken; to proclaim liberty to captives, freedom to those in prison;
to proclaim a year of favour from the Lord, I exult for joy in the Lord, my soul rejoices in my God, for he has clothed me in the garments of salvation, he has wrapped me in the cloak of integrity, like a bridegroom wearing his wreath, like a bride adorned in her jewels.

For as the earth makes fresh things grow, as a garden makes seeds spring up, so will the Lord God make both integrity and praise spring up in the sight of the nations".

* Of how I see this person anointed by the Lord to bring good news to the poor, to bind up broken hearts through the welcome group.

Tue 20051129
* Thank you for our sharing yesterday. This is what You wanted. I'm happy to be your messenger. For Your presence invaded the mass after the sharing. For how I liked the sharing of Exxx. Something simple, hard and full of your presence.
* I feel how a stage of my life finishes and a new one starts. Thank you so much for being there in the middle.

Thu 20051124
* About my motivations for sharing my spiritual journey and encountering process with my Lord from the acceptance of my sexual orientation. About finding that feeling of self-praise, taking ownership of what is not mine, but my Lord's. My dearest Lord, don't allow me to take any profit out of this.
Fri 20051118
* My situation at work is again a little pressed. I see myself slow, unable to progress as I wanted. I find myself limited in comparison with others (let my Lord not allow me to compare myself with others, that never helped anyone).
* Thank you, my dearest Lord for maybe You wanted my heart not to be proud, not haughty my eyes. Thank you for you show me not to go after things too great, nor marvels beyond me. Thank you, my dearest Lord, for showing my limits, for not allowing me to be proud nor haughty to others. Thank you for showing me to be humble and little. For my strength is not mainly in myself but in others and in You.

Wed 20051116
* My prayer once more for Fxxx and Cxxx.
* About this readings from "Letters from the dessert" by Carlos Carretto:

" For many years I had thought of being 'somebody' in the church. I had even thought of this sacred living building as a temple sustained by many little and big columns and under each column, the shoulder of a Christian (...)

After 25 years I had realized that there was nothing leaning on my shoulders and that the column was false, fake, unreal, created by my imagination, my vanity. I had walked run, talked, organized, worked thinking that I was holding something; in reality I was holding nothing. All the weight was leaning on Christ Crucified. I was nothing, nothing at all".

Tue 20051115.
* My prayer for Fxxx. May you be with her. For she is in need of help and she is willing to listen. May she encounter You and may you comfort her. I'll chat with her on Friday.

Tue 20051108. Wisdom 12-16
"Wisdom is bright, and does not grow dim. By those who love her she is readily seen, and found by those who look for her. Quick to anticipate those who desire her, she makes herself known to them. Watch for her early and you will have no trouble. You will find her sitting at your gates".
* Thank you my Lord, for You hid your Wisdom to the wise and the learnt and you showed her to the simple. For those who love and look for your Wisdom, she makes herself known. She is waiting at their gates.
* Thank you, my dearest Lord, for the dinner at the president house. Talking about coming out and transmitting an experience of encountering with You. Thank you for their welcome. For all the last hour changes. For You chose once more that things would not be done when I wanted, in the way I preferred, with the people I chose. For it was hard to compromise a last hour change of plans due to a misunderstanding. However, I prefer thinking about the very positive reaction of Sxxx and Exxx and how they moved my heart and encouraged me to go on in spite of all changes. Thank you, for the difficulties helped me to understand your Wisdom, to think the way You think. About how my plans are not Your plans. Of how higher Yours are.

Mon 20051107
* About reading a little fragment of the presentation of "Letters in the desert" by Carlos Carretto. About the call of this person to go to the Sahara:

"Leave everything and come with me to the desert. I don't want your action, I want your prayer, your love".

"Déjalo todo y ven conmigo al desierto. No quiero tu acción, quiero tu oración, tu amor".

"Come with me to the desert. There is something greater than you action: your prayer; there is a force stronger than your word: your love".

"Ven conmigo al desierto. Hay algo más grande que tu acción: la oración; hay una fuerza más eficaz que tu palabra: el amor".

Of how these words moved me. So long concentrated in actions, activities, results. Let me talk to You without doing anything but simply spending time with You.
* About the email I sent to José Luis with these words and others.
* Thank you for the weekend, the concert on Friday, the concert on Sunday with a few friends.

Thu 20051103

Fragmentos sobre la oración del hermano Roger de Taizé.

* Déjà avant le Christ, un croyant exprimait son attente: "Mon âme t'a désiré pendant la nuit, Seigneur; au plus profond de moi, mon esprit te cherche".

Ya antes de Jesús, un creyente expresaba su espera: "Mi alma te ha deseado durante la noche, Señor, desde lo más profundo de mí, mi espíritu te busca".

* Tres siglos después de Cristo, San Agustín escribía: "un deseo que invoca a Dios es ya una oración, Si deseas rezar sin cesar, nunca dejes de desear".

* El deseo de una comunión con Dios está situado dentro del corazón humano desde tiempo inmemorial. El misterio de esta comunión toca lo más íntimo y el fondo mismo del ser.

* Habitando en el centro de alma de cada uno, Dios no tiene necesariamente un lenguaje traducible en palabras humanas. Él nos habla antes de todo mediante intuiciones silenciosas.

* Estar en la presencia de Dios en un silencio apacible, es ya orar. En ocasiones un simple suspiro puede ser una oración. Ese silencio no parece ser nada. Sin embargo, el Espíritu Santo nos puede conceder poder acoger la felicidad de Dios.

* Cuando rezamos y nada parece ocurrir, ¿Nos quedaremos sin recompensa?. No. En una confianza apacible en Dios, toda oración encuentra sus progresos. Es posible que sean diferentes a los que suponíamos ... ¿No recompensa Dios en vista de un amor aún superior?

Cuando nuestros labios se cierran

Inmutable en su fondo, la oración despierta expresiones diversas. Algunos rezan en un gran silencio. Mantenerse en silencio, en presencia de Dios con el deseo de acoger su Espíritu Santo es ya buscarle.

Los hay que se expresan con muchas palabras. Santa Teresa de Ávila escribía: "Cuando hablo con el Señor, muchas ocasiones no sé ni lo que le digo".

Otros rezan con algunas palabras solamente. Dichas lentamente o cantadas, cinco veces, diez veces, del fondo del corazón, estas palabras pueden sostener una vida en comunión con Dios. De la misma forma lo hacen breves oraciones: "Dios no puede más que dar su amor, nuestro Dios es ternura", "Mi alma se reposa en paz sobre Dios sólo".

Al rezar, buscamos expresar lo que hay más personal en nosotros. En ocasiones sube del fondo de nuestra persona una inspiración, una intuición. Pero no nos preocupemos si no nos vienen palabras. Puede haber en nosotros resistencias, opacidades, momentos en los que en la oración, nuestros labios están cerrados.

San Agustín nos recuerda: "Hay también una voz del corazón y un lenguaje del corazón ... Es esta voz interior la que constituye nuestra oración cuando nuestros labios están cerrados y nuestra alma abierta delante de Dios. Nosotros nos callamos y nuestro corazón habla; no a los oídos humanos, sino a Dios. Estad seguros: Dios sabrá escucharte".

Wed 20051102
* About visiting my grandmother yesterday. Of how happy she was of my presence. Maybe we should have waited for my aunt to come back before having dinner.
* Feeling a little anxious about work this morning. There's no real reason. It's just a feeling.
* Remembering Ixxx's mother and the family. She was operated on Monday.