About sexual orientation and spituality

About sexual orientation and spirituality

Is 50, 4-7:
"The Lord God has given me a well trained tongue,
that I might know how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them.

Morning after morning he opens my ear that I may hear; and I have not rebelled, have not turned back.

I gave my back to those who beat me, my cheeks to those who plucked my beard; my face I did not shield from buffets and spitting.

The Lord God is my help, therefore I am not disgraced; I have set my face like flint, knowing that I shall not be put to shame".

Today I address myself to you with an inspired tongue, not because my word is particularly initiated, bright, inspired, or well-trained but because it is my Lord who inspires it. It is Him who teaches me "how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them".

It was my Lord who two years ago made me realize with this same text, of a call to share an encountering experience with Him from an unusual perspective: that from a gay person. Being aware of how helpful it was for me to listen to people like me talking about their own coming out process, this dearest Lord of mine has never stopped to insist that I could not keep this experience just for myself, even if only a few people would take advantage of it. My dearest Lord has been recursively repeating this same message for the past two years. He has opened my ear and after opposing this idea for quite some time, I could not resist any more.

When deciding to come out, one gets exposed to be observed and pointed, not accepted, being unable to be oneself. Today, my dearest Lord helps me to become vulnerable and start getting exposed to this situation sometimes with a great joy and others with a deep sorrow.

The story I want to share with you starts at the end of my secondary education. There I met the person who would become my best friend that year. That friendship overflowed all possible expectations of what up to that moment I understood for friendship. He transformed me and made me feel a joy and burning of heart that I had never experienced before. I also started to realize of my ups and downs when he was not paying all the attention that I would have liked. It was quite a few years later when I realized that this friendship with this boy had never been a friendship. Indeed, it was the first time I was in love with someone. At that moment I was not ready to accept that I was gay.

It was at the age of 25 that I realized how and who I was. I decided to tell my parents and my brother. It was quick. I joined them together. My brother was telling jokes about so much mystery and formality. My words were: "I just wanted to tell you that I'm gay". After a few minutes of silence, my mother asked a few questions and the meeting finished at once. After telling my parents, I decided that I would not tell anyone else. I consider myself very lucky because my parents accepted it very well and they always offered their support and acceptance.

During those years I always experienced myself as someone different. Someone that did not follow the processes of everyone, that did not speak about girls and never had a girlfriend. During this time I never met anyone gay to share experiences with. I could have searched him but I didn't do it. Perhaps because I did not have a strong enough need of it and because I felt very close the presence of my dearest Lord, who never left me walking on my own. At that part of my life I kept busy with a lot of activities (family, friends, parish, Jesuit group, work) which progressively developed an intense intimacy with the one who up to that moment and from that moment on, had been and would always be around: my dearest Lord.

The second message that I want to transmit is said in another passage of Isaiah:

Is 55,6-11:
"Seek Yahweh while he may be found;
call to him while he is near.
Let the wicked abandon his way,
let him forsake his thoughts,
let him turn to Yahweh for he will have mercy,

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
my ways are not your ways, says Yahweh.
For as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts above your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down
from the heavens and do not return
till they have watered the earth,
making it yield seed for the sewer
and food for others to eat,
so is my word that goes forth out of my mouth:
it will not return to me idle,
but it shall accomplish my will,
the purpose for which it has been sent".

This is my experience after some years of walk of life. The experience of trust and starting not to consider my criteria and plans as the best for me and those around me. It is the experience of starting to open myself to other plans, other criteria that are not my own and discover that it is precisely through those plans how my dearest Lord reveals Himself. Being able to confirm after some time, how wise and appropriate these upsetting and initially unappealing plans were, and how much happier they made me than my own.

Some years later, I went to the US to study. When I graduated, I looked for a job in Oklahoma. This was a difficult decision that I did carefully. This job fitted perfectly in what at that time I understood as my Lord's plan for my professional life: get knowledge in an interesting area to be able to return back to the university in Madrid and develop my professional career teaching and researching. The contract for this job was rescinded two weeks before starting. I had already moved out. This fact that initially left me completely upset and out of place would become a very deep instrument to encounter my Lord. It is the perception that there is someone taking care of me. Someone who has designed a joyful plan for me with immense care and love. The steps of this plan are revealed little by little, at their right time. It is the experience of the delicate hand of the Lord who hurts and heals simultaneously. The hand that combines the Passion and the Resurrection. Using the words of Teresa of Ávila:

"He hurt me with an arrow
poisoned with love,
and my soul became
one with its Creator;
I don't want any other love,
for to my Lord I have given myself.
And my Beloved is for me
and I am for my Beloved".

After having my contract rescinded, I found another job in New York. There, it was where I came out: I found a gay parish, discussion groups, retreats for people like me and an environment where I could start to live and express myself as I was, without pressure or judgment, where I did not have to control who knew, who didn't.

Today I thank my dearest Lord very deeply, for He brought me to New York though I had firmly decided to go to Oklahoma, trying my best to do His will. Today I trust more his criterion, for it goes so much beyond mine, for it is so much wiser than mine. I thank very deeply my Lord, for having plans for me. They upset me, I don't want them when they show up. I would have preferred other things, in other moments. However, I realize of the great love that my dearest Lord put in them and how these plans make me much happier than my own.

I started Saint Ignacio’s spiritual exercises in everyday life in this Jesuit parish during my second year in New York. I realized of the painful but also so delicate and loving plan that my Lord had designed for me. I started the spiritual exercises motivated by a Principle and Foundation that my dearest Lord and I wrote two years before. The previous year before starting this experience, I did a silent retreat and my working topics were the prayer "Take Lord and receive" from the contemplation to attain love from the fourth week of the spiritual exercises and this Principle and Foundation:

"The foundation of my life is a collection of simple little things. Things that happen on an ordinary day. They follow through time and on another ordinary day one asks oneself whether life is worth living. Trying to answer once more about the foundation of my life, the simple little things come up again. How small is the foundation of my life! Indeed, when one collects a lot of simple little things, a big reason to give thanks keeps growing, a big foundation why life is worth living. There are times in which willing to say great things, the words fill out my mouth; they even choke my throat. But the words abandon my mouth without conveying a little piece of heart. On the other hand, the simple little things don't choke my throat and it is my heart who gets out of my mouth and not my words".

It was the experience of not being too much impressed by big events, great words or experiences, big commitments, pharaonical projects. The experience of not paying too much attention to first tier people: the famous, the handsome, the clever, those who everyone looks at. The experience of looking at small details, little acts of love, small words or absence of them, a silent presence, saying hello, kisses, handshakes, hugs to known people or not so well known. It was the experience of starting to look at second tier people: those who are not famous, those who do things though nobody knows, those who are silently close without drawing too much attention, those who are ready to do what no one wants to do.

In the parish meetings I realized that I don't want to hear discussions, or sermons or read intellectually acomplished writings. I just want the weep or joy or shout for peace from those who transcribe from the readings of their heart. Not about perfect feelings but those from their own life. Without caring of others' thoughts, but honestly sharing their own.

The spiritual exercises in everday life brought me that contact inicially less intense but more permanent with my Lord. Through time, this contact became significantly more intense as long as I was realizing of how my dearest Lord was acting in my life.

The most vivid moments of encountering my Lord during that time can be summarized in the following notes:

* The process of encountering the Lord is so much NOT about me (what I do or fail to do) and so much MORE about Him: what He can achieve in me, what He does, what He did and what He is so much willing to do for me.

* Thank You, my dearest Lord, thank You; thank You very much; thank You so much, for you chose this very way of giving You (death on a cross) to teach me how to love.

* How shall I make a return to the Lord, for all the good He has done in me?

During this time in New York I was not searching very actively for a boyfriend. I did not go very often to gay places and I kept myself to the people around this parish. I found people that interested me who became my friends. I started to fall in love with one of them. During the second year in New York I didn't tell him what I felt because he was thinking of becoming a priest. At some point he decided to enter the noviciate. He told me about this in a retreat when I was ready to ask him whether he wanted to start dating. I decided to get out of his path and not interfere in his own process.

That weekend I felt quite lonely. I have lived many years alone, out of Spain and I'm used to this. However, that weekend I felt especially lonely. I started to realize that I felt like that because I decided to get out of his path. This decision was rational but my heart was still resisting. I thought that after going through all this process there was nothing left for me (I had given everything). The following day, when I was doing the spiritual exercises in everyday life, I read the prayer of generosity of S. Ignacio. I had read it before, but it did not draw too much my attention. That Monday my dearest Lord wanted to show me who He is through the last sentence of this prayer:

"Eternal Lord, only begotten son of God,
Teach me true generosity.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve.
To give without counting the cost,
To fight heedless of wounds,
To labor without seeking rest,
To sacrifice myself without thought of any reward
Save the knowledge that I have done your will.
Amen".

The last sentence of this prayer showed me the path towards not searching for a reward in our actions, save the knowledge of having done the will of our Lord. My dearest Lord wanted to move my heart very strongly when reading this last sentence. What was left for me after all, was simply the internal knowledge that I had done the will of my dearest Lord. That was enough, indeed it was plenty, much more than what I needed. After this encounter, I never felt lonely again or thought that the decision of withdrawing of his life was wrong.

Finally, this gentleman who I felt in love with, did not get into the novitiate. I started to make plans to get back to Spain after the second year in New York. My original intention was not to unveil my feelings towards him. On one side not to disturb, as it's of little help to say someone that one loves him and leave a few weeks later. On the other side, because I did not want to commit myself up to the point of considering the possibility of staying in New York some more years.

A few weeks before getting back to Spain, I came across him in a mass and we sat together (we did not usually do it). In this mass my dearest Lord wanted to vividly move my heart so that I would not get back to Spain without saying what I was feeling. When the mass ended I told him in approximately three minutes. He had to leave very quickly and I had something to say that could not wait. It was not only about saying "I love you" but also "I stay" for at least another year and a half in New York if he was willing to start up a relationship. He was not acquainted with what I was feeling (I had previously taken myself out of his path) and definitely not prepared to start a relationship with me. However, he told me that he would call me during the following week.

It is very difficult to express with words the Passover of my Lord during this mass or some other moments in which it happened. Moments in which one understands who the Lord is, because it is the Lord Himself who expresses with simple little things who He is. It is a knowledge that (at least in my case) comes a lot more from affection than from reason. To try to express what happened in this encounter, I borrow a few words from Saint John of the Cross:

"I entered where I knew not,
and stayed without knowing,
all science overflowing.

I did not know where I entered,
but, when there I saw me,
without knowing where I was,
great things I understood;
I won't tell what I felt
that I stayed without knowing
all science overflowing.

The one who sincerely there arrives,
tired of himself becomes;
all prior great knowledge
seems suddenly out of place;
and his science grows so higher,
that stayed without knowing,
all science overflowing

And if you want to hear it,
this highest science consists
of an exalted feeling
of His Divine Essence:
it is the work of his clemence
to leave us without knowing
all science overflowing".

Saint John of the Cross.

This text is the expression of allowing oneself to be led to an unknown situation, to get out of oneself, to be exposed to insecurity, to abandon having everything under control to start having nothing under control. In this situation one discovers that it is possible to understand without knowing. I did not know what my Lord wanted me to do. I knew what I wanted (not to say anything). But my Lord wanted to lead me to this upseting situation and I understood the message. All my reasons turned to second place.

The experience of reaching this situation sincerely makes me feel tired of myself. I cannot bear me any longer; I cannot bear any longer more of those so many reasons that implicitely look for my own interest. The most important is no longer what I want. All reasons seem out of place. It is that beautiful expression of Saint Paul: "I have everything for a loss in comparison with the Mesiah".

Finaly, "if you want to hear it", this overflowing science consists of an overwhelming feeling of His Divine Essence. For when one encounters the Lord (at least in my case), great ideas, or words, or thoughts, or reasons don't come out: only simple little things. They make us feel strongly who the Lord is, how He gives himself to us, how He loves us. A feeling that moves the heart when one thinks and remembers those little things. In this particular situation three simple words: "I love you", in others to write an email, or make a call, or contemplate a person in a difficult situation, or make a small prayer for someone and send it. All this is the work of His clemence. For even if it is only for a moment, one has to admit that this is a gift from God and the only thing one can do about it, is to give thanks.

After saying what I felt on that Sunday, I took ownership of my Lord's gift through a triumph spirit which flattered this big step. However, my dearest Lord wanted to show me to be humble when that suceeding spirit started to progressively descend up to the lowest, on the following Friday. For this person I declared to, did not call or say anything. The Lord make me feel little, small, the tiniest of all. Today I thank my dearest Lord. It was me who finally wrote him and we agreed to meet on Saturday afternoon.

On Saturday morning, in spite of my somehow hopeless state, I decided to go with a friend to the funeral of his father who had passed away a few days before. Previous to arriving at the church, we got his grandmother, his mother and a friend of the family on the car. They were somehow disputing. When I saw them I could hardly believe what was happening. When getting into the church I found myself sorrounded by strangers and my friend could not take care of me as he was talking care of the family. I found a small place in a little corner, praying for someone I hardly knew. The sister of my friend, full of humanity, started to talk about her father. Her words moved strongly my heart and those strangers started to be familiar. That nonsensical situation started to be full of sense. When I got back to Manhattan, I felt much better than when I left for the funeral.

After arriving in Manhattan, I met the person I declared myself to the previous week. He confirmed that he could not offer me what I needed but simply his best friendship.

I arrived home and there I found a very good girl friend of mine who was staying a few days at home. I told her what had happened and how I was. Only my dearest Lord knows how thankful I felt for her presence. In the early morning of the following day (I could hardly sleep) I wrote an email to the one who could not correspond my love. That message was not mine but my Lord's.

In the experience of the spiritual exercises in everyday life, those days I was going through the passion. That passion happened at the same time as my own passion. The email I wrote that early morning was the inflection point in which my passion turned into resurrection. This email healed me and from that moment on, I only evolved upwards. It was the fourth week of the spiritual exercises in everyday life what was starting: the resurrection.

I remember the comment of the director of my spiritual exercises in everyday life: "You have contemplated the passion of Christ and you have experienced your own passion. Why don't you contemplate Lord's concern for your own passion?". When I did this exercise, my dearest Lord wanted to move strongly my heart when I contemplated Him saying to me this little thanksgiving prayer:

"Thank you xxxx, thank you; thank you very much, thank you SO MUCH for you chose this very way of giving you, to show me how you love".

During Easter, I took a vacation week to do job interviews in Spain, anticipating my return to Spain after summer. I did some interviews for a company through a friend. Finally this company did not offered me a job. I realized that this person did not pushed much for me. He thought that perhaps I didn't fit in that department. Today I thank strongly his decision. However, at that moment I could not help feeling angry and out of place.

This friend had worked in a great company in London and decided to leave his super-job and get back to Spain because this father had cancer and was dying. In our last job interview, he told me that when he got back to Spain he could spend still six months with his father before his death. Those words moved strongly my heart but I didn't tell him anything. Perhaps because it was a job interview and after all, we didn't know each other so well.

When the company confirmed that they would not offer me a job, I felt angry and out of place. I brought the memory of this friend with some anger. However, I thought that if I were him I would most probably have done the same. On that night I wrote him an email. At the beginning I was feeling angry. However, as long as I wrote, my dearest Lord transformed my feelings, turning my anger in something very different:

"Dear xxxx:

In spite of the fact that at the end of the selection process there haven't been opportunities, I cannot but thank you for your interest and help. You have been the link that has given me at least the opportunity of knowing your group and lines of work (at first those were all my expectations).

Before accepting my job in New York, I found another one in Oklahoma which I thought was better for me. It turned out that a week before starting and having already moved out, they rescinded my offer (the company was doing Energy Trading and plunged after Enron's scandal). Two years later, I strongly believe that they did me a great favor. Today I allow myself thinking about the possibility that your company is doing me another great favor. I have very good reasons to think that things happen for some reason and the providence will explain why.

In our last interview, I did not feel confident enough, perhaps because we don't know each other so well, or perhaps because you were my interviewer. Now that the selection process is ended, I simply wanted to tell you that I strongly agree with your reasons to get back to Spain. They make me feel admired and respectful. I think that you will never have doubts about why you got back. In the last years I'm educating my decision criterion to choose with these type of priorities.

Finally (and perhaps this was what I was most willing to have told you at the end of our last interview), I'm so sorry for the death of your father.

Receive a tight hug,

xxxx".

With this email I simply want to express what my dearest Lord can achieve in my angry and out of place heart. After writing this email, I never again felt any anger or resentment against this friend. Indeed, what I started to feel from that moment on, was a deep feeling of thanksgiving.

When I returned back to Madrid, my original intention was to propose the possibility of creating a gay group in my Jesuit community. I arranged a meeting with one of the spiritual directors to check with him this proposal. I also proposed him to give this coming out talk in front of the whole group. This meeting was fixed at the end of November. At the beginning of October, someone told me that a person was necessary to lead the welcome group (a group to help the integration of new people). I thought that I could be called to do this. However, I preferred to lead the gay group. I thought of asking first whether my proposal was appropriate, and if it was rejected, then to offer myself to lead the welcome group.

I went to a retreat with another group called "Welcome and Sharing" and there my dearest Lord decided once more to change my plans. My heart got strongly moved for the fact of thinking that I could not make the welcome group wait for a month an a half to see if my will (creating a gay group) was satisfied. After that experience, I offered myself to lead this welcome group. A month an a half before speaking to the spiritual director.

It's again the expression of how my Lord changes my plans. Of how His plans are beyond mine and how more happy I am when I follow His plans. Of how this Lord has a plan for me carefully developed with immense love. A few months after deciding to lead the welcome group, I found a Christian gay group within the gay community center in Madrid (COGAM).

A few weeks ago, when I was reading the psalm of the Sunday mass, one of these simple little things I was talking about before came up:

Psalm 130:

"Guard my soul in peace before you, O Lord

O Lord, my heart is not proud
nor haughty my eyes.
I have not gone after things too great
nor marvels beyond me.

Truly I have set my soul in silence and peace.
A weaned child on its mothers' breast,
even so is my soul.

O Israel, hope in the Lord
both now and for ever".

My context when I read this text was a strong feeling of being limited and unable in my work. A context in which I cannot progress forward at the rhythm I would have liked. The message received was a deep thanksgiving, for in this situation my heart is not proud nor haughty my eyes. I'm not willing to go after things too great nor marvels beyond me.

With respect to my relation with the hierarchical church, I can only say that I know who I trust and that who I trust is God, God himself. My criterion to act is given by what my dearest Lord and I sincerely discern in my best conscience. This discernment process is carried out with the help of people inside and outside the church. This is perhaps the reason why I have avoided many conflicts with the hierarchical church. I feel than from a sincere and loving search of the truth, the condemnation from the hierarchical church to the gay community has not affected me as much as to other people. I know many who have left the church. And many of those who still stay in the church, live their relation with the hierarchical church in a very conflictive and belligerent way. Feeling guilty and excluded. I think (and I can be wrong) that this situation arises because these people haven't received or accepted the immense gift of discovering and encountering the Lord. This can be explained to a certain extent because some sectors of the hierarchical church have not succeeded to show who the Lord is. I have been very lucky to have found a part of the church who has shown me who my dearest Lord is. To them I'm deeply grateful.

To end, I wanted to clarify that as a gay man, I don't feel that my condition is a consequence of any dysfunction, failure or illness which must be avoided or corrected. Certainly, I haven't chosen to be gay. However, I think that it was my dearest Lord who decided to create me as I am and I certainly think that He didn't do any mistake. I think that He decided to create me as I am with a purpose, a vocation. He had already thought of a plan to express Himself to the world through me, as I am. I think that my Lord takes advantage of the gay community as any other even more marginal, excluded, humiliated and poor communities, to show us who He is and express his love for the world.