Spiritual Sharing February 2008

Mon 20080204
* I get back to my routine after almost 10 days of sickness with flu. I thought it would be shorter but the doctor of the Social Security told me to stay the whole week at home and she was right. I've needed all that time.
* Living once more with my parents during this week. Getting inside the dificulties and the situations. Letting them take care of me. Taking care of them on my side. Looking at what they do. Sometimes they put themselves up to the limit and that is not always good. They haven't had good health since a long time ago (August 2007). Getting slightly better and doing more things (that's why they never get well).
* Being in contact with Axxx. Things have got back to its place. I feel fine but would like to spend more time with him. He's not in his best moment from a working perspective. He showed firmly his love to me three weeks ago (when he didn't see much future in our relationship).
* This past Saturday, the meeting at CRISMHOM started with only 5 people. I led the meeting and at the end we were nearly 20. About enjoying being more people.
* My prayer for the family. May they find some possible ways of improving. Let me help them (my presence this week was helpful).

Tue 20080205
* Dad came by yesterday night to bring me the rest of things I left in their house. He told me again that he had enjoyed my presence when being with them last week.
* Yesterday I finished work very tired. Perhaps I'm still not fully recovered. I went to bed at 10:30. Woke up at 3:15 but could sleep again till 6:30.
* Inspire me the best way to work with Pxxx Pxxx. It seems to me that he does not follow or is not motivated.
* Corinthians 1,26-31
Take yourselves for instance, brothers, at the time when you were called: how many of you were wise in the ordinary sence of the world, how many were influential people, or came from noble families? No, it was to shame the wise that God chose what is foolish by human reckoning, and to shame what is strong that he chose what is weak by human reckoning; those whom the world thinks common and contemptible are the ones that God has chosen (those who are nothing at all to show up those who are everything). The human race has nothing to boast about to God. But You, God has made members of Christ Jesus and by God's doing he has become our wisdom, and our virtue, and our holiness, and our freedom. As scripture says: if anyone wants to boast, let him boast about the Lord.

* May my dearest Lord become my true wisdom. Not as much that of human reckoning. Thanks my dearest Lord for you chose those who don't consider themselves wise so that their wisdom is Your wisdom. Thank you for choosing those who consider themselves weak, for their strength is Your strength.

Wed 20080206
* My dearest Lord, my prayer for Jxxx Lxxx. He was willing to be with me on Monday and I told him to postpone our meeting one week (I was still recovering). May You be very close to him. He certainly loves You. Sometimes he feels lonely. May Your presence and mine and that of others make him not be lonely.

Thu 20080207
* It seems to me that my relationship with Axxx is indeed over as he already told me three weeks ago. Let me be patient as he himself has been with me. He might be thinking, waiting for me to fully recover from flu. He might be right after all. It cannot work out. Let me be acceptive and peaceful.
* About the Ash Wednesday celebration yesterday. I was quite emotional. Let me get into the Lent season. It's always been more intensive than Christmas.
* Dolor, sentimiento y confusión porque por mis pecados va el SeÑor a la pasión.

Fri 20080208
* Feeling a little estrange this morning. When I talked yesterday to Axxx, I think he was not willing to meet this weekend. Perhaps the following for a coffee. I think it is getting progressively more and more clear that he thinks that our relationship does not have any future. I thought of not sending more messages and let it go. Let me simply love, my dearest Lord. Maybe I can not give him what he needs but definitely I can give him what You gave me, my dearest Lord. The love of a friend, or perhaps something more. Let me offer what You, my dearest Lord, would offer.

Mon 20080211
* Feeling a little discouraged this morning and yesterday evening. I spent both Saturday and Sunday with my family. Trying to help and smooth out the situation with my presence. My grandmother could not eat by herself for the first time on Sunday. I had to feed her. She is becoming progressively more limited. She does not sleep and does not allow my aunt to sleep. My prayer for them, especially for my aunt. It is very hard to cope with all this.
* Yesterday evening I was willing to get back home to write a composition in german and study some papers I printed on Friday. I didn't study the papers but I wrote the composition. It was fine to stay with my niece and the little new born. I was playing with my niece and we were connecting. Perhaps I should forget about all those things to study and start to enjoy my family. My heart is not ready yet. It is willing still to do other things.
* About going to mass with Pxxx Cxxx, a jesuit friend of mine. He will baptize my nephew in two weeks time (I asked him to do it). It's been a long time since the last time I went to mass with him. I had a good time. I also saw Pxxx Mxxx.
* About the meeting at CRISMHOM. Jxxx Lxxx prepared the revision of life. I liked it. I participated quite a lot with brief comments. I felt very identified with the topic and the sharing.
* I think that part of my difficulty about starting the week again is that I'm missing Axxx. It became more clear to me at the end of last week, that he is not willing to continue. Perhaps keep our friendship but definitely not a relationship. I was thinking of perhaps a second chance. However, I think this is my learning: sometimes there is not a second chance. The opportunities should be taken at their right time. Axxx has taught me some important things. I should continue trying, though I may feel myself now discouraged.
* My dearest Lord, I like sticking to my plans and it is hard for me to change them and open myself for new plans. Let me enjoy the present moment and allow myself to change my plans and enjoy what I'm doing at a particular moment of time. Let me not think about what I planned but enjoy the livings of the present moment. I may be missing a lot of wonderful things, simply because when they happen, I'm thinking that I should be doing something else (something I had already planned).
* About the answer Mxxx and Mxxx gave me when I sent them my experience of encountering the Lord through the acceptance of my sexual orientation. I could have sent it some time ago. However, for some reason I haven't done it.

Tue 20080212
* Yesterday I went to see my friend and spiritual director. We shared with each other. I thank his comments and his sharing. He lets me into a perspective in which my barriers to have intimate relationships seem ridiculous.
* About learning how to spend time with no "efficient" use: be with friends or family. Learning how to waste time enjoying the simple presence, dull comments, or very profound ones perhaps. Nothing has been done, simply be with other people. Sometimes I find myself willing to do other things while I spend time with people. I'm not with them and I'm not doing the things I may want to do. Let me learn to organize myself not to think of doing other things while I'm with people or just let those things be.

Wed 20080213
* Yesterday, I didn't feel very well at work. I think this is about what I would like to do well, rather than what I can do well. I can still improve a lot if I work a little in it. Let's do that. Let me concentrate in what I can do well and not worry that much on what I cannot do that well.
* About going to see Cxxx Ixxx yesterday at the Galileo Galilei. I had a great time. It was a pleasure to see again Oxxx and other people.
* My dearest Lord, let me accept my limits and concentrate on what I can best do, rather than wish to have what I don't have.
* I was reading this after work:
"En paz me acuesto y en seguida me duermo, porque tú solo SeÑor, me haces vivir tranquilo".

"In peace I go to bed and I fall asleep at once,
for You my Lord let me live peaceful".

* Psam 12, 1-4a:
Our soul is waiting for the Lord.
The Lord is our help and our shield.
May your love be upon us, O Lord,
as we place all our hope in you.

Thu 20080214
* My prayer for dad. I went to a concert with my father yesterday. We went to the upper floor, where there are so many people. He had two days ago another choking bronquial spasm. He felt enclosed among all that people, feeling that if he needed to get out, he would not be able. In the second part of the concert, we moved to another seat with a better way out. He is getting afraid, thinking of not going again to a concert with that seat. May my dearest Lord inspire me the appropriate word or attitude to calm him down. My prayer for him. May he be in your hands. May all this have sence perhaps in the future. I know Your ways are above mine.
* My prayer for my aunt. She is reaching the limit taking care of my grandmother. Inspire me the way to support her.

Fri 20080215
* Genesis 12, 1-4

The Lord said to Abram, 'Leave your country, your family and your father's house, for the land I will show you. I will make you a great nation; I will bless you and make your name so famous that it will be used as a blessing.

I will bless those who bless you: I will curse those who slight you. All the tribes of the earth shall bless themselves by you'.

So Abram went as the Lord told him.
* May my dearest Lord bless those who have led me to the encountering of my dearest Lord.
* My prayer for my aunt and dad. I'm happy that dad is going with mum to a village near Madrid. I think that's the best they can do to improve.
* From the transfiguration of Jesus (Matthew 17, 5):

From the bright cloud the Father's voice was heard: 'this is my Son, the Beloved. Listen to him'.

Tue 20080219
* My prayer for Exxx. May you be with her, may I be with her, call her, support her.
* About Axxx taking iniciative to talk to me through the messenger on Sunday. That was unexpected to me. I liked his iniciative.

Wed 20080220
* My prayer for Exxx. May You be with her. May we all try to help her as much as we can.
* About sending an email to Axxx yesterday night to invite him to a concert.

John 4, 5-42:

If you only knew what God is offering and who it is that is saying to you: 'Give me a drink', you would have been the one to ask, and he would have given you living water.

Whoever drinks this water, will get thirsty again; but anyone who drinks the water I shall give, will never be thirsty again: the water that I shall give will turn into a spring inside him, welling up to eternal life.

Believe me, woman, the hous is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know; for salvation comes from the Jews. But the hour will come (in fact it is here already) when try worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth: that is the kind of worshipper the Father wants.

Thu 20080221
* Yesterday I talked to Exxx over the phone. She's getting by only. She told me that she sees my grandmother worse and worse and probably it is better to wait a little before starting to think of other possibilities.
* The little Axxx is willing to have that promised paella that I prepared for him before he shutted down the relationship with me. After a month and a half without seeing each other, it seemed that this was not going to happen. I'm happy about this. He moved strongly my heart and I felt very loved when he broke with me. This is paradogical for most people feel the opposite. He was very delicate and loving in the way he did everything.
* My prayer for my brother. He's starting a new company and we are all a little uncertain of how is that going to work out.
* Let me contemplate all the happenings of my life from the perspective of several months. Let me see the action of my dearest Lord in this little piece of the map of my life. I guess that a deep praise and prayer would come up admired and saying: 'how well this is done'. Things happening at its right time not when I wanted but when You wanted. If I look at my life, I see the action of my dearest Lord all over the place and I praise admired saying: 'how well this is done'. Difficult and joyful moments are all necessary to reach happiness. Thank's for being there though I may not have seen you at that particular time.

Mon 20070225
* Going to the concert on Friday evening. That was excellent. Meeting Mxxx and Mxxx after sending them my writing about sexual orientation and spirituality. My mother got very angry when I said to her that I had told them. The following day, she regretted and asked me to excuse her. I didn't pay too much attention to all her complaints and I definitely excused her the following day. Mxxx told me a little comment, thanking for she had got closer to God after reading the document. Maybe the whole family on my mother's side will learn about who I am, and maybe not in the best context. On the other hand I don't think they will as receptive as Mxxx and Mxxx were.
* About the baptism of the little Pxxx and Ixxx. Many children running from one side to another. A lot of noise but worth seeing. I couldn't attend the CRISMHOM mass celebration.
* About the meal in Jxxx's house. Meeting once more after more than a month my group of close friends. That was good to see them again.
* About spending most of the evening with my grandmother, dad and my aunt. There is tension in the family for the situation is difficult but fortunately there's plenty of love. Spending some time with my grandmother. I was simply sitting near her. I took her hand and tapped it gently for some time. I found her quite good (taking into account that she is getting horribly bad). I could speak to her and she understood more or less. She was smiling when I was talking to her. My dad told me that she was saying a few days before that she was going to be very happy when arriving at heaven. This stroke us very much. Dxxx understood first and my grandmother repeated it again and this time my dad was listening very carefully and closely. Indeed my grandmother was saying that: "I will be very happy when I arrive into heaven".
* My prayer for my aunt. May she take some rest. May we all do our best to help. My prayer for my grandma. May she be happy and not terrified when passing away. May she feel somehow Your presence.
* About meeting Exxx at the end of Sunday. He is a man from Venezuela who has come to work in Spain. He came to CRISMHOM and I met him beforehand by email through a page of contacts in the internet. He is a good person with great dificulties but fighting and opening his way. He does not lack enthusiasm but still he is in a difficult situation. I think that our conversation helped him. It was a look from outside, from another context. I hope he may continue the best possible.

Tue 20080226
* My prayer for the father of Mxxx. She sent me a SMS message this morning asking me to pray for him. He has cancer since about a year and a half. The doctors have told her that he most likely won't go beyond Wednesday. May the peace invade him and also Mxxx. May he be ready to encounter You.
* My prayer for my grandmother and especially for my aunt. I don't know how long will be left for grandma, but she's reaching the end too. May the peace of my dearest Lord invade her and also my aunt.

Wed 20080227
* Yesterday, the father of Mxxx passed away. She sent me a message the previous day to pray for him. Yesterday evening she sent me another message to tell me he dad died. May prayer for him and very especially for Mxxx.
* Grandma is sleeping better and so is my aunt. Going down little by little. However, these days she is happier.

Thu 20080208
* Yesterday, the mother of Nxxx, Exxx, passed away. Nxxx has been taking care of her for many years. She has almost shut down her own life for her mother. My prayer for Exxx and very especially for Nxxx. May Nxxx recover her life and be happy. She indeed deserves it. She has done your Will the best she could. May the comfort and consolation of my dearest Lord be with her.