Spiritual Sharing January 2008

Wed 20080102
* My little Axxx is jealous; jealous of You. For I feel very passionate for You and definitely not as much for him. May I get more passionate for him; but definitely not any less for You but still more; for my passion for him will be the true one the more I feel passionate for You. He liked my little present. Happy birthday, little Axxx.
* My prayer for my family. Thank you for my family. May all the noise that is now present starts with Your help to fade. My prayer for my aunt. May You give her and us the strength to stand to deal with my grandmother.

Tue 20080108
* Last Sunday I invited the whole family to come over for the Wise Men celebration. I prepared paella. It's been the best one I have ever cooked. Everyone enjoyed, the little Mxxx had a great time. It was well worth the effort.
* About dad having problems to see the good things and try to mitigate the not so good ones. My prayer for him. May he have some regular sleep and progressive mitigation of his breath recent problems. Maybe it is more about what he thinks than what he has but he cannot avoid it in the short term.
* I'm tired. I need a rest. I haven't taken any vacation during Christmas. Yesterday I worked the whole day (it was a holiday). I want to finish a report before taking vacation and it is taking longer as expected. I want to finish today and take some days off. I can see that I may get angry easier than other times. I should not allow this to happen as my family should not suffer my being tired. I should simply take some time off.
* I see my grandmother going progressively down and down. On Sunday, her voice reminded me the voice she had when she got out of the hospital at the beginning of last year. However, she was very happy with the gifts she received out of the Wise Men.
* The little Mxxx gave me a kiss before leaving on Sunday. I guess this is the first time she does such a thing and I liked it. About what a little child can do with a simple detail.
* Thank you for the New Years Eve with Mxxx, her sister, Rxxx and some other friends. I had a great time.
* About the birthday celebration of Mxxx Lxxx. I can see her very happy.

Thu 20080110
* Let me not forget to call dad asking for what the doctor told him. We are all getting too used to dad being sick, with pain, unable to sleep, tired. It is unfortunate for sometimes he might feel that we don't worry for him.
* Isaiah 42, 1-7:

Thus says the Lord:
Here is my servant whom I uphold,
my chosen one in whom my soul delights.
I have endowed him with my spirit
that he may bring true justice to the nations.

He does not cry out or shout aloud,
or make his voice heard in the streets.
He does not break the crushed reed,
nor quench the wavering flame.

Faithfully he brings true justice;
he will neither waver, not be curshed
until true justice is established on earth,
for the islands are awaiting his law.

I, the Lord, have called you to serve the cause of right;
I have taken you by the hand and formed you;
I have appointed you as covenant of the people and light of the nations.

To open the eyes of the blind,
to free captives from prison,
and those who live in darkness from the dungeon.

* Thank you my dearest Lord, for your sevant does not "cry out or shout aloud or make his voice heard in the streets". Thank you for He does not break the crushed reed nor quench the wavering flame. This is so much the way You have educated me. Thank You for being like this. Thank You for You "have taken me by the hand and You have formed me". Thank You for You have endowed me with Your spirit.

Tue 20080115
* My prayer for my family. My father, my aunt, my mother. These days, especially for my father. He's having a hard time with his health. For the little Pxxx who was just born a few weeks ago. There is a lot of noice, difficulties, things that get out of our control. Good relation among us though. Keep us all joined together.
* I went to my jesuit community yesterday evening. Pxxx was taking about being in a hurry as a lifestyle. I felt quite identified. I took yesterday the day off but I did not quite relax but took advantange to do a lot of those things that I cannot do when I'm working. By the end of the day, I was quite tired and found myself in this talk after being in a hurry the whole day. I closed my eyes while listening to the talk and thought of Axxx, hugging him and leaning my head on his shoulder. That was my symbol of the absence of hurriness. In the offerings of the mass after the talk, the people who prepared the mass offered some attitudes to drop in order to encounter the Lord. I internally did this offering: "The other day my boyfriend told me that he saw in me a remarkable absence of passion. However, he could see that the very big passion I had was for that from above and he was "jelous". I offer my dearest Lord that passion that Axxx was looking in me. I was not mine, I had received it from that who sent it and those fishermen who transmitted the message of my dearest Lord". I became quite emotional when doing this offering. Perhaps this one was also from my Lord.
* About writing the email to Axxx about how I enjoyed his conversation with this friend of him who was applying for a job. I enjoyed how he encouraged his friend. About the care and love of his conversation. He also liked his brighty eyes when he spoke to me about him thereafter.

Thu 20080117
* Prayer of a lucky man:
I'm lucky, my Lord, and I know it. I'm lucky to have met You, to know Your paths, Your will, Your law. Life is meaningful for I have met You, for I know that this hard world of us has a reason to be, that there's a loving hand who supports me, a friendly heart that thinks of me, an eternal presence day and night inside me. I know my way, for I have met You, You are the Way. Thinking of this makes me realize how lucky I am to have met You, to live with You.

Carlos G. Vallés S.J.

Fri 20080118
* About the email Axxx sent me yesterday. He preferred not to come to the invitation of the dinner with Sxxx, Exxx and Jxxx. He gave me a very good reason. His original passion for me is developing into affection, care, tenderness and perhaps friendship. For him, passion is very important and perhaps I have extinguished somehow his original passion. I'm unsure whether what he understands for passion is the same as what I understand. However, in my case, I develop that passion through time (am I being very rational?). He thinks that You, my dearest Lord, are his competitor. This breaks down my schemes as You (if it is really You and not some excuse on my side) will never be a competitor but the best supporter.
* My dearest Lord, let us speak about this. Let's clarify what's happening. Let me find out what he needs.

Mon 20080121
* Yesterday my little Axxx told me that he considered that our relationship does not have any future. His speech was loving, helping. We are not continuing, but I felt his love. His delicate way of telling me what he is feeling, his views. Finding out together what is happening. Listening to each other and reaching a level of communication that I only have with my best friends. He was very empathic. I wrote him yesterday night a thanksgiving email. Those that are written not expecting any answer. It is so true that one starts to value things indeed when they are gone. I'm happy that he entered my life. For his patience and love. Jxxx was right, I'm mainly looking for affection and he needs a lot more.

Wed 20080123
* Confusing feelings. Ups and downs under a down background. One thing that is clear: there's love in the midst of this situation. About my comment about the Divine Providence when we were discussing on Sunday. That brought tears into my eyes in front of him. He was very empathic. This comment was about not having everything under control and letting unexpected things happen. Those provided and not calculated. There is too much control and so little spontaneity on my side. I guess I'm afraid. But the other day I saw clearly my little Axxx's love for me, even in spite of the fact that he shutted down our relationship. He exited his side and tried indeed to understand my side. I learnt a lot from this conversation. Is there a real reason to be afraid? If ever something happened, I'd rather let it happen with my little Axxx; for he loves me.
* About the conversation with Jxxx Lxxx on Monday evening. I never thought that he would share with me what he did. Thanks for his sympathy; it did a lot of good in me. I saw that my stopping reasons are not that justified. Things are usually not perfect, but if there is love in the midst, it is different and there's love.
* Yesterday I went to Fxxx's mother funeral in ICAI. I saw many old faces. We usually see each other in this sort of event. Still, good to see them.
* "Thanks handsome! They are not hard, they are being estrange. Disorganized and estrange work. I don't want to heat up ... No way. Kisses". Keeping busy, mind and life busy. Not many chances to think too much. Letting some time go.